I’m the silver lining girl.
I feel the tug of depression sometimes…not severe, not all-consuming, but present.
Stress rips at my skin so regularly I’ve formed a thick hide.
Chaos exists in every corner of my house. From the over-filled kitchen cabinets, to the baskets of laundry not put away, to the toys strewn across my girls bedroom, even the clutter under our bed.
Yet I am still the silver lining girl.
In 98% of the cases I am able to find the good and put it out there. For myself, for my husband, for my kids. It’s a necessary part of who I am. In this world we have.
That’s who I’ve put onto this blog.
Even the past six weeks where I’ve put out there my current battle with melancholy – I still push up my positive views.
Before my world got new levels of insanity in December, I started to dive deeper into who I am. I mentioned that I had come to a realization about my blog and where I wanted to take it. I never got the chance to dive deeper into that. I’m going to.
There are things I never say.
I never talk about.
I have issues with this in my real life.
I don’t know what the switch in my head is that turns me into a bundle of nerves. So afraid to put my real feelings out in the open. What sets my mind spinning into circles, shutting my mouth so tight you couldn’t pry one word out of me. Not willing to hurt the feelings of those around me. Or suffer rejection or pain myself.
It has carried onto my blog.
Things I won’t talk about for fear of upsetting my husband. (This has been met and discussed. Once he is feeling better, both he and I will be confronting and discussing this right here on this blog).
It got worse on my blog when the internet world got smaller. When I got onto Facebook and my family started reading the blog.
Things I won’t talk about because I don’t even have the guts to talk about it to their faces. To confront things that have happened.
Part of me has always been like this. Part of me is a result of events in my life. Part is something I don’t understand about myself, hate about myself, want to make better about myself.
I don’t want there to be things I never say.
On my blog.
In my life.
Ever again.
Think you pointed out how a lot of us feel. How we get stuck in what we can and cannot post. Glad you and Archie are working through the one together.
@Jessi,
You know as well as I do…Without Archie participating and knowing what was going on it could be a very back and painful situation for us. Hopefully this will help us both.
And yeah…Once my family got regular visible access and made it known they were reading…I struggled with what I could and couldn’t post…until I realized that that wasn’t going to work!
*huggles you*
Sometimes I think telling my family about my blog was my biggest mistake.
Since I got sick I’ve been just putting it out there. Since the hubs encouraged me to write about my experience and the day to day experiences I’ve been writing the raw and honest truth.
Some days it’s cathartic and others I worry myself sick that someone will take it upon themselves to offer mom information that I’ve posted on Facebook or Soapboxville. It’s hard to be blatantly honest and not hurt someone’s feelings.
There are so many things I don’t say, I am getting better at saying them and I find it is freeing. But, still…
That’s a tough one. When we blog publicly, we give up some freedom. I’m okay with that for me, 99% of the time.
Here’s to a sunny week 🙂
P.S. At least the laundry is done!haha