I blame myself…

Jan 21, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Me, Crap, Hypotonia

Which is really hypocritical of me because I constantly give Archie grief for blaming himself.  It isn’t his fault…and it isn’t my fault…and our brains know this…but our hearts bleed. 

His heart bleeds because Brandon was the ‘perfect’ child.  He was never really sick (a minor bowel issue until 3yo, but otherwise) – Brandon is neurotypical.  ARchie is not biologically his father.  Our two special needs children are his biological children.  He draws the line of coincidence and though his head tells him that it isn’t his fault…his heart aches and bleeds thinking it was somehow his fault – his genes that did it.

For me, it’s an old vice.  One that still haunts me…and one that I abused when I was pregnant…not with Brandon, and not with Riley…but with Angel…

I smoked until I was five and a half months pregnant with her.  In my (very weak) defense I hadn’t the foggiest idea I WAS pregnant (seriously I REALLY had no idea…both me and my OB were shocked)…but I was, and I did. 

cigarettes1

I had my first cigarette at 11.  At 16 I really started smoking – and started hard with reds.  I smoked off an on for years.  I’ve always had a knack of just deciding one day that I’d quit and that would be it – for months and years at a time.  When I started drinking (at 18), I’d almost always have at least one cigarette when I drank – which worked since it was only once every few months.  But I was a horrible social smoker…when others smoked, I joined.  Working in food service – a LOT of food service workers smoke…so when I started waitressing after Riley was born, I started smoking – like a frickin’ chimney. 

Truth be told, with all three of my kids I smoked right up until the day I found out I was pregnant.  Brandon I stopped as soon as I saw the test – and never looked back, in fact they made me sick.  With Riley, I quit before I knew I was pregnant…they just made me nuts, so did alcohol (not that I was ever addicted to that). 

But when I got pregnant with Angel, I had no idea I was pregnant.  I was using three forms of birth control (four if you count the new-parent exhaustion-created near-abstinence).  I was working at Bob Evans (yum) and smoking like a chimney with my friends and coworkers. 

I’ve always felt guilt about it – but pushed it aside as best as I could. 

But when I hear the doctors say “Something happened neurologically while she was in utero.  Something minor, but enough to cause this…”  As they have since we first started looking for reasons for her left-sided weakness.  Every time I hear “neurological event” and “in utero” – I blame myself. 

And my heart bleeds. 

And bleeds…

And tonight…my heart bleeds…and again I blame myself…

Sarah

3 Comments

  1. Must Be Motherhood

    Oh boy. Well, like you said, you didn’t know you were pregnant. And before you beat yourself up further, have you researched if there is any connection between smoking and her various problems? If there’s no medically proven connection would that ease your mind at all? And, if there is, I think it’s important that you let go of your guilt and remember that you didn’t do anything deliberately. You have to forgive yourself. Peace!

    Must Be Motherhood´s last blog post..Disturbia

    Reply
  2. Sarah

    I have done a little research, and have read that smoking can cause a depletion of oxygen, which can lead to neurodevelopmental difficulties (such as hypotonia). It cannot cause CF, but it can cause all of her other issues.

    It’s the letting go that I have trouble with…and times like last night…it’s impossible.

    Reply
  3. Carla Smith

    I knew Archie in high school and can tell you this. Blame is as useless as pride or envy. God could have took them home just as quick as he gave them life, but he knew that in your arms they would be safe and loved.

    You two have some radiantly beautiful girls. Let those big blue eyes of theirs be your fuel for strength. I truely believe that God gave you these blessings not as a punishment, but as testiment of your faith. He knows that the both of you have the heart, soul, love, and courage to raise these two darlings.

    No one knows your children more than you and only you knows what is best for them. Your family will be in my prayers and just know that not only are you so blessed to have them, but they too are so very blessed to have you and Archie.

    Keep up the good work and I hope to read more soon. God Bless and take care. – Carla

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Redefining Perfect » Blog Archive » 30 Days of Truth – Day 3 - [...] talked about this before.  It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted…

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *