Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for
I’ve talked about this before. It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted about it. I still haven’t forgiven myself.
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes. I never cared for the taste of them, but I would have spurts of smoking. I’d smoke for a few months, quit for a year, or two. Then go back. Then quit. All I would have to do was think, “I’m going to stop”…and I would.
Once I started drinking I’d smoke on the rare occasions that I drank (I do mean rare).
Being a social smoker – all it took was me working in food service to really get on the smoking bandwagon. I was drinking more too. I was 20. I had a great group of friends that I worked with. We all smoked.
Then I got pregnant with Brandon. Before I even knew I was pregnant I quit. Suddenly the taste was even more appealing and I was done. Then I found out I was pregnant and was relieved.
It happened the same way with Riley. Before I realized I was pregnant I was done.
With Angel – I didn’t have the same good fortune. I was once again working in the restaurant biz, hanging out with my coworkers in the smoking section. Riley was so young, so very very young, when I got the job. I was working nights. I had a newborn and I was stressed and the call of social smoking pulled me in.
I had no idea when I started smoking again that I was pregnant.
I had no idea for five and 1/2 months that I was pregnant.
I know – I have to forgive myself. After all, I DIDN’T KNOW. But even now, with my smiling young angel, my happy, crazy, beautiful little baby here…running and playing and doing everything the other kids do. Even now there is guilt that eats at me.
I have to forgive myself.
But what if I am the reason? What if my smoking deprived her of enough oxygen to cause her hypotonia?
I still blame myself.
Finding forgiveness is not always easy.
Not when it’s your baby that’s hurting.
Not when you think it’s all your fault, and the forgiveness is for yourself.
Day 4 of this challenge is the hardest. I had to stop many times because I would just start crying.
I smoked off and on from the age of 14 to the age of 25. I’m 28 and haven’t had a cigarette since I got pregnant with Ella. I’m happy that I am now to the point that I know I will never go back to it.
You didn’t know. There are women out there that CHOOSE to smoke their entire pregnancies. You simply didn’t know you were pregnant. I hope you can forgive yourself {{{HUGS}}}
@Amanda {Enchanting Havoc},
I know. I’m staring at Day 4 running over and over what to write about. It’s not easy for sure. That’s why it won’t be posted tomorrow or the day after *lol*
Thanks, Amanda. Every day I try to forgive myself a little more. I don’t succeed every day – but I try.
What’s done is done, and you didn’t know. I hope you’re able to forgive yourself, because it will free up that part of you for something new.
@Rachael,
I think every day I forgive myself a little more. Every day that she’s a little stronger, I feel a little better. On her weaker days or more difficult days I feel it. 🙂