This is not our first Fatherhood Friday. It’s just been a long time since Archie stepped up to this plate. I asked him to write a post on this subject, and have asked him to try to continue writing posts as time/inspiration allows.  It’s always nice to get the other perspective from time to time 🙂
I’m writing this for a second point of view on our concerns for our daughter who has just started school.

I would like to say first of all that although my wife and I don’t agree on every aspect, I love her and respect what she has to say.  No exceptions.  I love our kids the same way, with no exceptions.  Maybe I love them in different ways than each other, but no more or no less than the others.  This will be about our middle child, Riley.

I knew the day would come where Riley would be old enough to go to school.  My wife championed homeschooling, while  I am a public education proponent.  We both had sound logic in our choices, but eventually one of us would have to give way.  Being small and comforting, the h/s milieu would provide stability and support as well as routine for Riley, as she loved things to be repetitious and consistent.  Public school would give her interaction with other kids, lots of them, and would help her to mainstream, just be a standard kid.

By sheer persistence, I wore down Sarah to the point she would go along with me, albeit unconvinced I was making a good decision for Riley.  So, she went to school.

Within the first few weeks, Riley lost her ability to remain calm.  At school, the excessive noise(holy god, kindergarten is insanely noisy), the shuffling of many small bodies, the closeness of the setting, and the newness of it all burned through her coping mechanisms like wildfire.  She literally hasn’t any defenses left.  Any accomplishments she might make, are made nil by erratic behavior.  She is suffering, trying desperately to keep from drowning, while the waves are just getting bigger.

At home, Riley isn’t much different.  At times, she is silent, inconsistent, demanding, inconsolable, loud, and will take her stress out on the rest of us without warning.  Those are a lot of harsh adjectives to describe my sweet, little girl.  Make no mistake, I love my Riley more than the human heart is actually capable of handling.

And that was my downfall.  I so wanted the “perfect”, “normal” life for her, that I became blind to who she was becoming in her own right.  Before school began, we had a little girl, who despite being diagnosed as autistic, was capable of emotions and moods in the range of everyone else.  Yes, at times she was a pistol.  And there were some problems we were not capable of handling.  But she was the best little girl she was ever capable of being, and more.  And I overlooked it.

It’s easy to see where I went wrong, because I just wanted the best for Riley and didn’t want her to be burdened with the struggles I encountered at her age.  But she isn’t me.  She is her own, beautiful little person that has her own path to make.  We will find the best way for her, with her as a guide to help us make sure we keep her first and us second.  And her sister is coming along right behind with other special issues that will need to be met.  So, this will help in the long run.

But I have the guilt of betraying my daughters faith and trust in me, I let her down.  And I also have the guilt of letting my wife down by not listening to what she was telling me.  As a parent, we all silently beat ourselves up over things we do to our kids that we wish didn’t.

So, here I am.  I’m sorry, Riley, for not keeping you first and putting you in bad situation.  And I’m sorry, Sarah, for not being the husband and father I should always strive to be.  But, I promise to do better.  I love you guys.

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*Must note – the picture above is a meld. On the left is Archie as a young boy, on the right, Riley.