Over the past few (difficult) days, my mind has been lingering in the past. Not the long ago past, but just a few months ago.  Before the sometimes-daily struggle for calm that exists now.

Back when there was a balance and a quiet routine to the day.

Not structured…by any means (something I need to start soon)…but routine.

Sibling rivalry existed, but not in the extreme sense we have now.

Fits were had, pouting and hiding in our room fits, but not so often.

Craziness occurred, but in fits and spurts not constant.

Nothing was ‘perfect’, but we were content in our days, in our everyday world.  The group of kids in our neighborhood, while older, were known to the girls, and so Riley felt comfortable playing, laughing, cheering and screaming with them.  She felt safe.  We felt safe.

Now in the world of unknowns, constant change, and fighting to keep our heads above water I linger in the past.  If only to get me through the current haze of extreme behaviors erupting.  New and sometimes unnerving behaviors.  We’ll deal with them all as they come…but sometimes it’s easier to disappear into the ‘then’ than it is to live in the ‘now’.

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Update: In the efforts being made to move Riley to all-day Kindergarten the Special Services director said the word we’ve been needing (and dreading) to hear: Autism.  In order to facilitate her move they are taking many steps, including consulting the ‘Autism Specialist’.  We haven’t had our IEP meeting, but this confirms that they are heading in the direction we’d expected, and down the line steps will be made.  It’s both good and bad…Good because having a psych say it will help us get the state assistance  we need…bad because even though we’ve “known” for a long time…confirmation is always hard.

In the week since we’ve made the decision and tried to start prepping Riley for the change to all-day kindergarten we’ve been dealing with some extra chaos and thus this post.  The switch, no matter how fast we rip off that bandaid, is not promising to be smooth.