He was the center of my world.
When he was born it was just the two of us against the world. A single mom and her beautiful, cheerful, perfect little boy.
He did everything he was supposed to…when he was supposed to. Goals were met in perfect ‘according to the books’ timing. In an eerie fashion, he followed the clothing sizes exactly…he was in 0-3 mo clothes until he was 4 months old, and then until 7 months for the 4-6, etc and so on.
He was rarely sick. The only problem we had with him was his BM’s….but that self-corrected at the age of 3 and so potty training was complete.
Then Archie came along and became the Daddy. After a period of some rough adjustment typical to most blended families, everything started to smooth out. Our family unit was settled into a nice routine.
Archie & I tried to have a child for a year to no avail. So we accepted that Brandon would be our one & only child. We were good with that. We were happy with that.
SURPRISE!
I was pregnant. Riley was added to the mix. And she started having troubles, and started to slip away. And then…
SURPRISE (Again)!!!
I was VERY pregnant, six months along with Angel. And she was added to the mix, and within a year HER issues grew and became severe and intense.
Somehow the ‘perfection’ was lost behind the struggles. Coasting along under our radar. Good grades, quiet, stuck in the background. relegated to the ‘neurotypical’ ‘doesn’t need as much of our help’.
I’m not proud of it, but it’s true.
Sometimes I wonder just how much he hates us for the place he’d ended up in our family. From being the center of my universe to the background.
In the past six months we’ve been working on this more. Brandon shares my love of photography, so we share that. We’ve cheered on his Cross Country, his Boy Scouts accomplishments (he’s a patrol leader now!), and his grades (straight A’s!! WOOHOO)…
Tomorrow he goes in for something that’s gone by the wayside for 3.5 years.
When Angel was diagnosed w/ CF it was recommended that all of our kids get tested. We immediately got Riley in and she was cleared with flying colors…but as always Brandon went by the wayside. Getting him out of school was just such a hassle…and since he had a different biological father it didn’t seem as important.
Until he came down with his 3rd case of walking pneumonia in 3 years, not to mention the bronchitis he had a couple years ago…and the fact that his asthma is pretty darn bad…and remembering that 3 year span after he was born with the BM issues (yup, when/if he reads this he will strangle me)…
It suddenly hit me that we never tested him. And it became imperative that we DO test him.
Luck was on my side since they had an opening this week. I don’t have to worry for ages. By this time tomorrow I’ll know.
If we have 2 CF babies.
If my casual dismissal was too much. His regularity made me expect him to be fine, perfect as always.
So for now I worry. I try not to blame myself without just cause. By this time tomorrow it may be a different story…
No matter what the outcome, he will not be the forgotten any longer. I just hope it’s not too late.
You are being too hard on yourself. It doesn’t matter what the dr. says, he is still a perfect boy. I love him, the girls, and you most of all. Don’t despair.