Except on days that end in Y.

Ugly. Stupid. Shut up. Jerk. (B)Witch. Lazy.

We never judge.

Except when it’s our ‘perfect’ sensibilities that have been offended.

We would NEVER assume.

Except when we are facing something we believe to be a slight against us.

****

In recent weeks I’ve begun to face a hard fact about myself.

I claim to be the one always looking on the bright side. Finding the silver lining.

In some ways that might be true.

But in many others, it’s not.  In many other ways I’m ugly. I’m bitter.  I’m thrusting grudges that should have been released years ago off on innocent bystanders.  I’m assuming looks mean one thing when they might have meant something else.

I assume that someone is a (B)Witch that instantly disliked me and felt herself better. That I was once again ‘not good enough’ for the ‘cool’ crowd.

Only to realize months or years later that I may have inadvertently hurt that person without fully thinking about what I said before I prattled on needlessly about a ‘funny’ story that wasn’t so funny to them.

I’ve judged others around me, been nasty and snarky when it’s likely I didn’t know them at all.

After years of being so ‘good’ with my speech around my eldest (‘We never say shut up’, bad language was never used)…my daughters use phrases like “What the hell?” and “Dammit” frequently.

****

When did I get so ugly and jaded?  Just because the past few years have been hard, difficult for us?  Because we have so many struggles?

That doesn’t give me a right to turn a blind eye to others struggles.  To ignore the fact that they have difficulty too.  To assume based on my own painful past that others are judging me…when my assumption of their judgement is a judgement in itself.

***

I want to be better.

I need to be better for my girls.

I don’t want them to feel ugly like I do.

I want them to be more beautiful than I could ever be.  They’ve already got a great head start on me…

****

A partial continuation of my I Am Real post. More coming soon, I hope.