When you have your first baby.

When you have surgery.

When your baby is sick.

You’re in the hospital.  In a careful bubble designed to protect and heal.

The ‘real’ world falls away.

Bills are forgotten.

Family drama – gone.

Medicines are administered by trained professionals.

Problems are solved by caring nurses or hospital staff.

You have nothing to do but care for the illness (or newborn).

Safe.

Then they say “You’re going home.”

And delicate as it is, that bubble pops.

Fear attacks you.

Can you do this at home? What if something goes wrong?  The REAL world is out there….waiting with responsibilities and things to do OTHER than care for the illness (or newborn).  You have to divide your attention.

On Thursday we were granted leave. We were going home.

My cabin-fever-filled husband was jumping for joy.

I was trembling in fear.

It has turned out all right.

But on Thursday I was crippled. I was afraid. We had to administer PICC meds at home. There was Christmas. Two other kids. Family. Responsibilities.

It was so hard to be joyful that my baby would be going home – free of the hospital.

All I could focus on was the fear that we’d mess up her carefully maintained schedule. That a dose would be missed. That a child would play with a picc line. The other two kids would add to the chaos, feel jealousy over the constant attention to Angel’s schedule (they have). I couldn’t handle even looking at the PICC line, much less administering a dose. It wasn’t fair to make Archie do it all…but I couldn’t handle it, could I? Everything could and would go wrong.  We were no longer ‘safe’. SHE was no longer ‘safe’.

It was crippling.

I felt guilty.

I should be happy she’s improved so much so fast.

I should be jumping for joy that we would all be together at home for Christmas.

But I couldn’t.

I was too afraid.

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*I wanted to post this last Friday, but it didn’t seem like a great Christmas Eve post. Over the next couple of days I’ll update on how we’re doing…how I’m doing…how she’s doing…how the other two are coping…how much of a pit our house currently is…all of it – the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful (there’s quite a bit of that – & that needs to be covered).  It’s all here. Coming over the next few days.  Her follow up visit with her pulm is on Wednesday and we’ll know more about when the medicine will stop & the picc line will be removed.  Over the next week, I’ll tell it all….