There is no way I can handle this.
I’m not strong enough.
How horrible a Mom am I that I can’t help my own baby?
I’m so weak. I can’t even hold her hand when she’s screaming in pain and fear.
I ran from the room, bursting into tears.
How can they think I can do these meds at home?
We were on our way home. I was trembling in fear. We arrived home and Archie kicked into “Super Hubby” mode. Trying to do everything to make the transition run smooth for me. To ease my panic, despite his own level of it.
His attempts were valiant.
I was just not having much success coping.
The rest of the evening and night was a disaster. I was very short-tempered. So was wonder-hubs. All 3 kids were wired, over-stimulated, jealous, hyper, impatient. It was a mess.
Archie had to do her meds…and I got stuck having to hold & distract Angel – who was unhappy with the PICC line in general.
There was no way this was going to work. I went to bed un-satisfied, un-resolved, almost depressed.
The next morning the panic had subsided. I made myself to busy work – preparing for our Christmas Eve ‘party’ at my house. The neighbor had asked Archie’s help with something…and he was preparing to go right around medicine time.
While Archie took a shower, I stared down the meds.
I dug down deep and called over Angel.
I started the process.
I cleaned the line, and started the saline…and then the meds.
I had done it.
With minimal sensation of nausea…I had administered her medication into the PICC line.
And through it all, Angel hadn’t freaked once.
Maybe…just maybe…there was a way…
*********
Tomorrow, a little bit more of the ugly…how the others are handling Angel’s doses of attention…how we’re handling the schedule (not always so good)…and so on…
learning to handle the things that you never thought you could is so often a part of parenthood. But, there are somethings, like PICC lines, that should not have to be a part of a parent’s learning…
One day at a time.
I”m so sorry you’re having to do this. It’s infinitely worse than the nebulizer treatments I consider torture every time I administer one. (Though it’s gotten better as Dean’s gotten older. Plus they don’t hurt at all.) Summon up that amazing strength I know you have inside of you. You’re doing great. Just take one step at a time, one day at a time, one treatment at a time.
You will be able to do this soon without that moment of panic. You are stronger than you give yourself credit.
If there is one thing I know, it’s that you CAN do this. You’re stronger than you realize.
You’ve got the strength in you to do this, obviously. little by little until it just becomes routine.
*hug*