Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.

~Ann Bronte

There have been plenty of posts for me to write in recent days.  Recaps of 2010. Dreams of 2011. The kids are back in school. Life is returning to our level of normal. All PICC lines are gone, casts…

But my fingers haven’t typed a letter.

I’ve been sick.  Sick as a dog for the third time in 2 months.

And to be honest, 2010 sort of sucked.  We had some highs, to be sure.  Some wonderful notes…but we had a few pressing lows, and some that haven’t even been dispelled yet.  Areas where we linger in the hellish limbo of unanswered questions.

I lost my grandmother this year. My spunky, vibrant, bossy, stubborn grandma was taken within a week of a cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, cruelly ripped from our lives.

My Angel faced her first real level of illness at the same time. Her first severe round of massively strong antibiotics to defeat an infection that is beyond unique to CF patients.  And then she was admitted to the hospital six months later for the first time. We had isolation, PICC lines, IV antibiotics…so many new and frightening evidences of her illness.

We heard the ‘official’ word “Autism” with both relief and tears.  Riley faced kindergarten and challenges within herself…and gave us more challenges than we were sure we could manage.

Brandon broke finger in the beginning of summer, his wrist at Halloween. He got straight A’s…and then became faced with a possible CF diagnosis for himself as well.

For the last two months of 2010 there was someone injured or sick at all times. There was no break, no respite. I, who by law as a mom am NEVER allowed to get sick, as I said above I’ve gotten sick 3 times in the past 2 months. Right now it’s so bad, I’ve been laid up since Saturday. I haven’t been able to talk for a week. It sucks big time.

My husband has been struggling against his depression with as much strength as he can muster.  The end of the year between his birthday and the holidays are always soooo hard on him, and the added stress of constant illness…I fear he’s ready for a massive break.

I’m tired of crying – but then again, I still don’t think I’ve shed a tear.

I’m exhausted from the constant beat down.  I’ve taken maybe 5 pictures in 2011 because I’ve been sick for all of it…and the picture above is one of them.  I had to find the beauty somewhere…and I did in the gorgeous flowery pattern of frost on our truck’s windshield.

And I’ve found it in my Riley’s beautiful way of taking care of her sick Momma (which she has taken to calling me over Mommy). In Angel’s snuggling with her Daddy, sad because we can’t dare to let her snuggle with me.

Once I am better I can take the reins and find the silver lining again.  I can free up my husband to release his restraints and rid himself of some of the burden’s beating against his fragile wall of strength. I can recover my house from the clutter of Christmas. I can make sure each of my children know I love them, and I’m not just the grumpy witch on the couch that semi-yells at them to be quiet w/ her non-existent voice (seriously, it’s SAD how I sound).

But right now…

I’m not there.

I only hope tonight is the night I am able to SLEEP. To get past the worst.

Because I don’t like being here.

I want to be there.

Where I had my sh*t together. I was “ready” to face whatever.

Right now I can’t even face myself. (seriously, be glad there’s no self-portrait here today. *shudders* It would give you nightmares)