[flickr id=”5293689107″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Cross Country season is drawing to a close.  The final (County-wide) meet is in less than a week.  Coming up there is nothing but PTO meetings, Parent/Teacher Conferences and life in general.

This also means that the teen will be home before 4PM every day.

I always thought once the girls were both in school I’d go back to work.  Nothing so dramatic as full-time day jobs (and definitely NOT banking again ~gag~).  I figured I would return to waitressing.  With the teen old enough to babysit in short spurts, I’d be able to get a job at a real restaurant with real tips since I could now actually get into work before 6PM.  Maybe we could get a (slightly) steadier increased income.  Maybe we could leave SSI and its unreliable, and ever decreasing, amounts behind. Become self-sufficient again.  Maybe even one day live the dream of giving up Child Support (or actually putting that in savings).

Now that day is here.

Yet we hesitate.

Last year Angel ended up in the hospital for the first time ever.  It was five days where our only focus was her and making sure we saw the other two kids. Last year she wasn’t even in school.  Only exposed to those hundred of viruses on the periphery.

It could happen again at any time.

We are six weeks into the school year and Angel has already missed five days due to illness.  That’s one week out of six.  Most of them in the past three weeks.

So now we toss up in the air whether I would even be able to maintain a job or if I’d constantly have to take off for illness or hospital stays or whatever.

I know, we can’t live life hanging by that ‘what if she gets sick’ thread…but it is a fact and a factor in everything.  Having to weigh the consequences of not just being away from home several evenings a week – versus the likelihood that I will have to call in at least a couple of times, maybe more.

The thought of working again only scares me peripherally. I actually like the thought of having adult interaction, even if it is only as server to customer.  I worked in banking for about eight years. It sort of ripped out my soul and stomped on it and I never wanted to work again after it.  But I did, and I found a job at Bob Evans (the only place that would hire me w/ the hours I could work).  The tips weren’t horrendous, but they weren’t top of the line.  BUT.  But…I loved my job.  Even when I didn’ t like my new manager, and the employee turnover brought in some people that weren’t my favorites…I loved what I did. It was fun. It was interactive. It made me happy.

There are positives, many of them, to me going back to work…

But there are so many balls up in the air I’m afraid tossing in one more would be too much.  Plus, I’d really hate to get a job I love, maybe even start earning enough to lose SSI…only to lose that job because of things well beyond my control.

We can’t live in the what-if’s…

But we can’t ignore them either.