I’m sure you all remember Archie. My husband of 9 years now.

He’s been a little absentee in mentions lately here on the blog (our anniversary notwithstanding, of course).  Not for lack of events revolving around him – just the opposite, actually.  He’s going through a few changes of his own. In deeply personal and dark struggles of his own.

For those that didn’t know, Archie struggles with severe depression.  For most of his life he’s been on medication for depression or bipolar disorder.

Every medication has side effects.  Many medications are addictive. Some medications make the anger part of depression go into extremes. Some just make you more depressed then when you began.  Others still give you horrible hallucinations until you’re sure you’re going to go insane.  Many medications eventually lose their effectiveness. Especially for someone that has always been on meds.

Recently Archie went in to see about finding a more effective medication.  In a now familiar pattern he was weaned off one, and started on another.  The new medication is one that’s very new on the depression scene.  The side effects listed were a bit scary, but from everything we read it seemed a 50/50 shot that he’d get them.

Unfortunately, he did.

All of them.

The worst was the nightmares. Nightmares so extreme he didn’t sleep for 3 days.

One night he woke from a nightmare only to continue in it with waking nightmares – hallucinations so severe I was terrified for him.

That medication was immediately weaned off and we’re onto another one.

The constant change is painful to him.

Physically painful. Stressful on his body.

On his mind.

On his soul.

Struggling to get through until we know if the meds will even help.  To be “normal” so that the kids don’t see the severity of his pain…and sometimes failing.  If he has a bad day, the guilt layers on top of what he goes through.

He’s hurting.

I know he is, and I know there is nothing I can do for him.  Except continue to love him, and be there when he needs me. And wait by his side for the upside down to become right side up again.