Every day I wake up, and my first thought is of my kids.
My first emotion is fear.
Will today be the day Kennedy gets sick? Maybe sick enough for the hospital?
Will today be the day Molly has a breakdown? Will I need to go to school because she isn’t manageable?
Will today be the day Denver ends up in the hospital…again?
Every parent has fears and worries, and mine aren’t “worse” – they’re just different.
But they’re real.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t suffer through the torments of worry. Whether through a passing thought, or an entire run through of possible calamity. Whether for one child, or another, or even all. Whether triggered by a cough, or a teacher email, or just my overall sense of awareness.
It’s always there, lurking, leering, waiting to pounce.
Every day I wake up afraid.
Every day I shove the fear aside and face the day.
I don’t have a choice, and I don’t want one. So long as I can push the fear aside I will. It’s a defense mechanism. Preparing me for the worst, so the every day can feel better for me. So I can see the bright side when things look horrifically dark. So when the worst does happen, I am prepared. I am ready for the hospital check in. I am ready for the teacher meeting. I am ready for the specialist appointment.
I’ll embrace the daily fear, as long as I can continue to see the daily joy.
*~*
Written for Things I can’t Say’s Pour Your Heart Out
I know fears like this well. I hope things get better for you. xo
Sending a hug your way my friend.
I used to have this fear… for ten years I would wake up just like you- afraid. In angst waiting for the inevitable. Oh, dear mama- I get you.
I am now live liberated from my daughter’s tragic medical issues that plagued us for 9 years… but BUT there will always come a time, when I wake up with worry about something. That’s what us mothers do. Because, there is ALWAYS something to worry about! Sigh…..
I found you from Pour Your Heart Out, and don’t know anything about you, but I know fear. I know how it feels. Mine is a different kind of fear, but the same feeling. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. I’m your newest follower!
my oldest was diagnosed with a kidney disease at the age of 2, we spent a lot of time in a children’s hospital so I definitely know those fears, its scary, but finding the light in the darkness will always push you forward!
it’s so hard when you have kids not to worry endlessly about them. thinking of you.