I like to act like I have all the answers.

It’s better to be in the know.

But I’m a fake.

There’s so many minutes of every day that I’m lost.

I don’t know how to handle all of the things life has thrown at me lately. Sometimes the littlest thing sets me off in a tizzy and I’m gone for hours.

My mind eventually catches up to my panic and eases my internal panic, but in the interim I’m lost.

The past month has been overwhelming in a seemingly never-ending stream of issue upon issue. Most of which I have no answers for, no way to resolve in the real world in any matter of real time.

99% of the time I do my best not to show it (this past month has been an exception).

I’m a great actress in this respect. I’m great at the “fake it ’til you make it”.

When all I want to do is cry.

Scream.

Hide.

Crawl into a dark hole until the worst passes.

I wish I had all the answers. I work better with facts. Knowledge. They say knowledge is power, and in most ways it’s true. Unfortunately, too many of the current events are great unknowns.

What will happen with my dad’s Parkinson’s?

Will my sons CF issues crop up again this year?

Will my daughter’s erupt in a way they haven’t in years?

Did we make a mistake putting the middle on meds?

Will SSI resolve fast or do I have more fight ahead?

Will my new (old) job really help us out? Or hinder us in some way?

Too many questions and not enough answers.

If I could get some solid answers, maybe I’d be better off.

Until then, I’ll keep faking it until I make it, I guess.

*~*

Written for Things I can’t Say’s Pour Your Heart Out