I am the queen of holding grudges.

No, really. It’s kind of sad, actually.

I still hold a grudge toward a former best friend from middle school that pretty much destroyed every hope I had of having friends by spreading a ridiculous rumor to make herself more popular. It worked, and I definitely still get a visceral reaction to the memory of her. I know this because the other day we had a patient with the same name (clearly wasn’t her because she’s from Buffalo, I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years now).

There are a couple other grudges that I’ve held onto for a long time…but I won’t go into details.

We’ll just say…

QUEEN OF GRUDGES.

My faith, unlike some others, doesn’t have a specific “rule” about forgiveness.  It’s not a commandment or anything.

However, if you look at the Wiccan Rede (An’ it harm none, do what thou will), or the Rule of Three (Whatever energy you put out comes back to you; threefold)…those grudges can affect both principles. Holding grudges might not harm them, but it harms me. It’s only causing myself pain.  Holding grudges, gives that negativity, that harshness, its own room, its own space to grow and build and turn back onto myself.

I think my biggest issue is that most of my grudges aren’t so much out of anger, but out of deep-seated pains.

If I take a hard look at what I’m holding onto and letting block me from others…

It’s because of the pain I was caused. How deeply I was hurt.

Instead of healing that pain, I’m holding onto the grudges, letting myself separate from the pain by declaring anger and using that grudge like a shield.

It’s not the way I want to live my life any longer. I want to find the joy. I want to live an Oola life. And while cutting out toxicity is necessary to attain some level of Oola…

Sometimes I think I’m doing that wrong.

I’m letting go with pain, sorrow, loss, and sometimes anger.

I’m not forgiving the actions or the people as I release them.

I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.

I don’t want to make room for pain any longer.

I want to make room for joy.

I need to find the space to forgive.

I need to gather all of my grudges and fill them with helium…

And release them with love.