*~*

A few weeks ago I posted about my ability to hold a grudge.

One phrase has stuck in my head since I wrote that surprisingly cathartic post:

I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.

In my attempts to get into that Oola state, I was more focused on “this is toxic, cut it out” than HOW I was taking action. By writing it down, my brain latched onto it in a way I didn’t expect.

Then something wonderous happened.

I filled a few grudges with helium.

Initially I likened it to an epiphany…but I don’t think it was.  It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was that phrase working its way through my mind. Helping me to process some of the feelings I’d been holding onto so tight.

I realized that I’d chopped at that toxic relationship and received nothing in return. Nobody bothered to miss me…

But then…I never thought about if my actions…or inaction, as it were…might have hurt them just as much.

I saw only my side. My pain. My anger. My suffering.

I caught glimpses of happiness in their life and I was bitter that my departure had no effect on that happiness.

The moment I saw what I’d done, how I’d acted and reacted, that grudge expanded with helium.  It went from being a dense boulder to a much lighter load.

I’m not saying it’s gone, floated away in the breeze.

It’s still there, but it’s bobbing along with me as I work my way through the rest of my feelings with less pain and anger.

I’m able to say “I miss you” without any malice or bitterness.

I can mean the words.

I can truly miss someone, and not want to re-enter the relationship.

In some cases, maybe I do want to build on the relationship again. In some cases, I have.

I don’t have to.

And that is oddly freeing to know.

I’m feeling much lighter now with fewer boulders, and more balloons.

One day I know a few of them will float away completely. I may not even realize they’ve gone until they’re well out of sight.

And that is just fine.

Because I’ve gone from a brutal axing, to a departure of love.