This was what she’d wanted. There were no regrets. There never had been.
The choice was gone, the grip of menopause growing ever tighter. She dealt with the hot flashes, the swinging moods as well.
She focused on the joy of it. The relief of not dealing with pain and ick.
Then it hit. Unbidden. Unwelcome.
Tiny movements. Kicks. Little grasping fingers. Giggles. Smiles.
She’d had them. 3 times.
But they would never be hers to feel again. Not through any means but memory.
It was what she’d wanted.
So why did it hit her so hard now? Years later?
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I do the 100 word challenge regularly over at my writing blog. For some reason this week I was inspired twice over. This came out so I posted it over here.
In just a few weeks it will be the 4 year anniversary of my emergency hysterectomy. I never regretted my choice once it was made, even lying in the women’s center recovering, listening to the sound of newborn babies crying. Not once in the past four years. Until recently when I had a moment. A moment where regret hit me hard…before going away again.
Thus this post.
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Please, visit Velvet’s site to check out other more worthy entries…
Wow. I’m currently working with my doctor to figure out the best time to have my tubes tied (It’s medically necessary–too dangerous for me to get pregnant again), so this post hits hard. I’ve known for a year and a half that I can’t have more and I’ve made peace with it, but sometimes, out of the blue, it hits me, too.
I’m sorry we can’t do that again.
@Jen L.,
{{{HUGS}}} It is always an emotionally challenging decision. I’d had my tubes tied prior to my hysterectomy (after my ‘oops’ baby we thought it was prudent)…but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Hitting that hard in 100 words is hard to do. Well done. And on a personal note – I’m sorry for the emotions in you that brought that out.
@lceel,
Thank you, Lou. It’s never easy to bring out emotions…but it’s always cathartic.
the emotions coming through this piece are powerful. Thank you.
@barbara,
Thank you. I was surprised when both the emotion and this piece hit me…I’m glad I was able to capture it.
You were able to express so much in so few words. I can’t say I know how you feel since I’m single, but somehow I feel like you allowed me a glimpse of your heart. Thank you for sharing.
@Evenstarwen,
I’m glad you feel that I was able to reveal a piece of my heart like that. That’s part of what writing is about 🙂
I’m really glad you explained this, because I was going down the abortion road for a minute there, and I was thinking WTH?! Not that I would judge you for that, but I’m just sayin’…
I mean, yes, I WOULD judge you for having an abortion after feeling movement like that. I have lost my danged mind. Sorry to have done it on your blog, haha
@Mrs4444,
LOL! Nah. You didn’t lose your mind…I got your meaning 🙂
Nope, not the abortion road for me. No regrets for NOT having one either 😉
I can’t even imagine. My two children are almost grown and I get the baby pangs from time to time. Particularly now that a few of my younger friends are just having babies. I know in my head I don’t want to have another child, but not having the option would create a whole different dynamic.
Very emotional…good job!
Wow, such an honest piece of writing. I appreciate you sharing it. My identity was so shaken when I had my daughter, in a good way. Now I’m divorced and deeply desiring more children, but ….
Its amazing how the ability, honor, responsibility to bear children shapes our identity.
I KNOW that I’m done having kids. Two is enough. If not, I would adopt – I don’t need to be pregnant again. Yet, I know that when my husband finally gets around to scheduling his vasectomy, I’ll have at least a moment or two like this.