Sarah | Redefining Perfect

I’m Not Good At This.

by Sarah | Feb 10, 2011 | All About Me, Crap, Special Needs

Way back when this picture was taken I sure thought I was. (Picture credit goes to my mom who had the fancy camera way back then…in FILM *Gasp*)

Back, 11 years ago, when Brandon was only 2. When I only had the one. When my co-parent was my own parents. When the biggest problem I dealt with was chronic BM issues (yeah, he’ll kill me if he ever reads this). When he was cute and adorable and obedient and kind and polite.

When life was “easy”.

Now there are three.

There is school. Homework. Teachers. Doctors. Specialists. Special Medicines. Bills. Cleaning. THREE kids. Doctors. THREE kids. Quirks. Hospitals. Marriage. Home repairs. Car maintenance. Cleaning. THREE kids.

Oh, did I repeat myself once or twice? Yeah. I know.

I don’t want to use the term “bad mother”…because, you know…it’s such a debate trigger.

Sometimes, though. Sometimes I look at myself and I see that I’m not good at this.

I don’t have patience.

I don’t have answers.

I don’t do the things that you’re supposed to. I love to read to myself, but get bored reading to my kids (shameful, I know).

I don’t have patience.

I don’t check homework every day after school.

I always miss deadlines for snack week, permission slips, all those things.

I don’t have patience.

I don’t give my kids daily baths. Or every couple of days. (But in my defense, my baths were 1x/week)

I use the TV as a babysitter.

I’m online too much (I’m trying to do better…some days I do better than others).

I don’t have patience.

…..

Are we detecting a common theme?

Sometimes I wonder what part of my brain actually thought growing up that I would grow into this ‘perfect’ mom. I saw myself doing it all. Crafts, dinner, cleaning…the perfect little household.

My ‘perfect’ has redefined itself into something that feels far from perfect for me.

It’s a process.

I’m working on redefining myself as a mom.

To snap less. To breathe and have patience. To do more cleaning. More cooking. Making sure I’m more involved in what my kids are doing in school.

I want to feel like I’m good at being a mom. Like I DESERVE the title. EVERY day. Not just now & then.

Bacon is evil.

by Sarah | Feb 9, 2011 | Crap, Random

I’d call this Wordless Wednesday, but I don’t participate and really…me? No words? IMPOSSIBLE.

Now, before I get down to it, I have two quick notes to make.

1) In case you missed it, I have a writing blog. While I don’t normally direct traffic there, I wrote a post the other day that is just made of smiles. I want everyone to read it. So go there now and read TOUGH LOVE.

2) A very dear, very very good friend of mine has opened a blog. She’s just finding her footing, so she needs some love. Please stop on by her blog and leave her a comment. She has the best blog name ever: USING MY OUTSIDE VOICE.

I was making dinner for the family. Trying to create a wonderful meal for us all to sit down and eat.

Out of nowhere I was attacked. Senseless violence. The bacon built up a well of grease and out of nowhere hurled it at my face.

BURNS.

Ouch.

BACON IS EVIL.

*~*~*

*I can firmly attest that my husband will not agree with my statement.

**I can admit that while it is EVIL…it still tastes darn good…I totally ate the carcass of the bastard after it attacked me.

***EVIL

Tough Love

by Sarah | Feb 8, 2011 | Writing

Last week I was frustrated.

I’d spent 4 months NOT writing anything but blog posts.

My muse kept flipping me the finger and downing margaritas (and who knows what other recreational drugs).

My list of queried agents on QueryTracker had dwindled to one unanswered partial (4 months old) and about 6 unanswered queries.

I’d tried to write. Several chapters had actually been completed. A few of fluff, one, maybe even two of non-fluff.

Still, I wasn’t excited.

Doubts hung low over my head.

I still LOVED my story. My characters. (Just as I still love my first novel)

But me and Writing?

We were on the skids.

Not even speaking terms, apparently.

Then one morning last week, during the long days of the icepocalypse here in the mid-west, I was online (as per my usual). On twitter one of my friends had tweeted: “Can you do me a favor? While I’m sleeping, tweet me one thing you love with a passion, so I can learn more about my friends tomorrow. #love”

I hit ‘reply’ and started to answer with writing. Then I stopped. Why would I put that? I was in such a bad place with it. Writing didn’t love me back, why should I love it? Then I realized I didn’t have a choice. I was in love with writing. I had been for years – even when not actively participating in it. Words were my passion. So I hit reply.

I said:

@SarcasticMomLC One thing that I #lovewith a deep passion? Writing. Creating characters, worlds, stories. It makes me happy.

And I meant it. I felt it down to my toes.

When she replied with a high five, I added just a little bit to it. I mentioned that I had almost NOT written it because: “Srsly, I hesitated putting it down b/c it’s not easy, but it is #love. Who said that was easy?”

It was time to give Writing love, whether it repaid me or not. Writing was going to get some Tough Love. I would love it. I would continue to push out chapters. Words, my worlds, my characters, they are all a part of me. They help me vent stress, anger, love, and hope.

Apparently, love was all it needed. From that moment, when I embraced that it might remain unreciprocated, it decided to return the love.

An hour after my original tweet good things started to happen. In the past week I’ve been writing again with LOVE, ENTHUSIASM, JOY. Chapters have poured out (others have trickled). My reading has picked up (although I still struggle with the same frustrations I mentioned last week). Other happy events have occurred, but I won’t speak of them in fear of jinxing them.

Apparently Writing was giving ME some tough love – and I just didn’t see it.

Thank you, Writing for the tough love.

Thank you, Lotus, from the bottom of my heart. You might not have planned it that way, but your tweet sparked a much needed revolution in my heart & soul.

*~*~*~*

Over at Redefining Perfect, I am feeling beautiful on the Flip Side.

Feeling Beautiful (Flip Side 1/52)

by Sarah | Feb 8, 2011 | All About Me, Photography

This past weekend I got a haircut/color, and a new dress. I was feeling infinitely beautiful & so taking self-p’s was easier than usual:

Dead On
*I never do the whole ‘look right at the camera’ angle….

From behind
*Had to show the full 360 effect of the cut 😉

This is my angle…
More often than not

THE DRESS
I had no reason to buy it. I have nowhere to wear it. I was looking for something different when it caught my eye. I tried it on just because I liked the color. But when I put it on…I.Felt.Beautiful. I had to buy it. And I did. Now…I just need somewhere to wear it.