by Sarah | Mar 19, 2014 | All About Denver, All About Family, Blogging Life, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect, The Teenager
As a baby he was all Mama’s boy. I was a single mom and he was my world.
As he grew, he stayed that way. He listened to my musicals in the car with me.
Everything was shared, no secrets kept.
Over time, and with age, the world began to shift.
Sisters were born.
School got harder.
Life got busier.
He became a pre-teen.
The hugging slipped away.
The talking disappeared.
Sullenness crept in where sunshine had lived.
And then we had a teenager.
Over the past few years, the ever-changing relationship has left me at time joyous, befuddled, angry, and sad.
The need for independence, coupled with the distance already formed, has left some gaps in the relationship.
I don’t understand him, although I try.
He is a sensitive one, like I always was, and I find myself now understanding my dad’s frustration when I was that age.
There are ways Denver is just like me—and ways he is nothing like me.
I don’t know how to parent a teenager. I don’t know how to let go and hold tight. I don’t know how to keep his trust as he tests mine.
Yet, in the frustration and pain, there are moments.
Times we share laughter. Times we have a playful battle of wits (or wills).
There are some subjects we share an enjoyment of (raising a Geek when you’re one helps).
Some days I think I’m losing him and will never get him back.
Some days I worry I didn’t do a good enough job raising him.
But these days, as he’s getting a little older—a little closer to good-bye—we are starting to find that middle ground.
There are times I think he might actually like his parents (heaven forbid).
And so I think there is hope.
Just so long as he knows how proud we are of him (we are, so much).
So long as he knows how smart he is and how much potential he has.
Then I am happy, and think maybe I didn’t do such a bad job in raising him after all.
*
Are you ready for the teen years? I still have two kids to go through, and they’re girls. I don’t think I’m ready for that.
*~*
Written for Things I can’t Say’s Pour Your Heart Out
by Sarah | Mar 10, 2014 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, Redefining Perfect, Special Needs
Every day I wake up, and my first thought is of my kids.
My first emotion is fear.
Will today be the day Kennedy gets sick? Maybe sick enough for the hospital?
Will today be the day Molly has a breakdown? Will I need to go to school because she isn’t manageable?
Will today be the day Denver ends up in the hospital…again?
Every parent has fears and worries, and mine aren’t “worse” – they’re just different.
But they’re real.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t suffer through the torments of worry. Whether through a passing thought, or an entire run through of possible calamity. Whether for one child, or another, or even all. Whether triggered by a cough, or a teacher email, or just my overall sense of awareness.
It’s always there, lurking, leering, waiting to pounce.
Every day I wake up afraid.
Every day I shove the fear aside and face the day.
I don’t have a choice, and I don’t want one. So long as I can push the fear aside I will. It’s a defense mechanism. Preparing me for the worst, so the every day can feel better for me. So I can see the bright side when things look horrifically dark. So when the worst does happen, I am prepared. I am ready for the hospital check in. I am ready for the teacher meeting. I am ready for the specialist appointment.
I’ll embrace the daily fear, as long as I can continue to see the daily joy.
*~*
Written for Things I can’t Say’s Pour Your Heart Out
by Sarah | Jan 24, 2014 | All About Denver, The Teenager
As a teenager, Denver refuses to get his picture taken…So this post is a nearly identical repeat of the last two years and chock full of embarrassing baby photos in hopes he’ll let me get some NEW pictures to use. Happy birthday, brat. 😉
Time sometimes flies like a bird, sometimes crawls like a snail; but man is happiest when he does not even notice whether it passes swiftly or slowly.
~Ivan Turgeney
Sixteen years ago this minute, as I was in labor, I still thought he was a girl. The ultrasound said girl. Everyone said girl.
My dreams said boy.
My morning walk to induce labor I stopped not at the girls clothes rack, but at the tiny little suits, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the teensy little ties.
After three false labors I was forced to sit in the hotel room my Mom had reserved until I “Finally” stopped screwing around and gave birth already. (For the record, Denver was only 1.5 hours “early” for his due date.) When my contractions were finally 3 minutes apart, my mom called my OB, who then demanded to know why we waited. She, in her dry and sarcastic glory informed him that she wasn’t about to take me in if I wasn’t going to actually have the baby.
And so Denver made me a parent. With his perfectly round head and surprise appendage that made him decidedly NOT a girl, & made me wonder how in hell I was going to raise a boy.
But he was perfect.
The gorgeous blue of his eyes made me fall in love in an instant.
Everything on time. Every milestone reached at JUST the right moment. Every clothing size changing right at it’s declared time (0-3 months? Gone at three months. 3-6? Gone at six…it was eerie).
He was happy. Smart. Playful. Loving.
He was my world.
He was my mom and dad’s world.
The first born grandchild. The first born great-grandchild.
The star.
Our family grew. It changed.
Not always in the best, most fair ways for him. In truth, sometimes he was forgotten, because he was so ‘perfect’. So easy in comparison. (I hate myself for it, but it is true).
It never made him less loved.
In many ways, being the parent of a teen is infinitely harder than raising the young ones. He isn’t satisfied with easy answers. He sees the world around him in such a different light. He sees things that a younger child wouldn’t. He understands and absorbs everything. Things that I sometimes haven’t the slightest idea how to explain to him, to clarify.
Right now he is struggling, battling against an internal battle I can’t resolve for him. Fighting against the common, and always unique and personal pain of being a teenager.
But in his heart – he is a good kid. He is smart. He is still loving.
He is annoyed with his parents. Embarrassed that his mother has a tattoo and plans more. He hates failure. He strives to do his best and no one is harder on him when he fails than himself. Interested in photography. Science. Math. Writing. Cross Country.
He dreams big dreams. Of being a doctor at Riley so he can help other kids like him.
He achieves big things. Advancements in Boy Scouts, Junior Honor Society.
He struggles to fit in.
He is 16.
In so many ways.
He is my baby.
In so many ways – he always will be.
Happy birthday to my oldest, my first born.
16 is a big number. But you’re just getting started.
by Sarah | Nov 30, 2013 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Blogging Life, Clever Girls
Up until now our Wii got most of its use from watching movies, or the teenager playing one of his games. There was only one or two games that we could all get into.
Then we got a hold of this one…Just Dance Kids 2014.
I have to admit when I first read the back I got a little excited when I saw “Make it Shine” from Victorious on there…plus a song by Ariana Grande. I’m such a closet (or not so closet anymore) Victorious lover. It’s one of the shows I miss now that we aren’t on cable. 😀
So this week we brought out the Wii for something we all could play – and play we ALL did…even the teen!!
The girls, of course, got first run and boy did they tear it up, to several songs, including “Make it Shine”.
Then it was time for Erik and I to play.
And wouldn’t you know…we did THE HUSTLE!! It was a laugh-riot getting Erik into the mix and doing The Hustle with me. Both of us were laughing by the time it was done, and were reluctant to return the remotes back over!
Then, with a little nudging and encouragement we actually got the teenager to play along. It was only for a game, but I know that he’d never admit how much fun he had.
The girls kept playing for another good hour before we settled down and got ready for bed. By the next day they were begging to play again…and we were all too happy to oblige. The game is addicting, and clean fun, and everyone enjoys playing it. I have a feeling the Wii will stay out of hiding for a good long while now.
As you can see, the girls LOVED it. They were all too happy to lend their review once I managed to get their attention away from the game!!
I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.
by Sarah | Nov 13, 2013 | All About Denver, All About Learning, All of Us
We all remember those reading lists from school. I always enjoyed getting it – except the year The Iliad was on it.
This year the teen has a list. I wasn’t given the list, he just comes home and asks if we can pick up a book for him…because the school issues the books on their iPads. Denver doesn’t like reading on electronic devices. He wants paper and pages.
The last book was To Kill a Mockingbird. A great classic novel I read in school myself. I was happy to run up to Half Price books and pick him up a copy.
Then last night he came to me again and asked if I could pick him up another book at Half Price. He said it was from his reading list…and that it had replaced another.
I said, of course I would and what book did he need.
“A Painted House.”
I wracked my brain attempting to remember this great, classic novel.
Nothing. I asked him to repeat himself.
“A Painted House by John Graham or something like that.”
Erik and I both said, “John Grisham?” At Denver’s agreement I stared at him flabbergasted.
“The school is having you read a Grisham novel? Seriously?”
It was at this point that he informed me that the original story was Huckleberry Finn…”But a bunch of kids complained so they changed it.”
I’m sorry, but WHAT? What has this world come to that a school will change a reading list because kids are complaining? What happened to the set reading list and you either read or you failed (You should see my grade for the test on The Iliad…eesh)?
I’m beyond disgusted by this turn of events. I can’t imagine replacing a long-standing, time-tested classic novel like Huckleberry Finn. Certainly not because KIDS were complaining.
I have a feeling my kid will be reading Huckleberry Finn too…because I don’t want him robbed of that opportunity because a school backed down to children.
Why do we give our kids this much power? Aren’t we the ones that are supposed to be in charge?
by Sarah | Nov 12, 2013 | All About Denver, Cystic Fibrosis, Hospital, Special Needs
The teen was in the hospital recently.
A brief (in our book) stay at the hospital kept him out of school for approximately a week.
That was, unbelievably in some ways, almost 2 months ago.
Since then his struggle to get back into his previous stellar grades has been immense.
Whether a genuine struggled to get “Back on the horse”
or just general rebellion
the grades have remained low,
assignments unfinished,
and general malaise has centered around school.
I’m sort of ashamed to admit I broke out the story.
The age-old old-farts beginning sentence of “When I was your age”.
Because I once had an 8 week bout of mono.
Out of school for 8 weeks and my grades were BETTER than they’d ever been with me in school.
So I broke out that story.
And ended it with the general rule of thumb in this house.
We don’t let our labels define us.
We don’t let them lead our lives.
No.
Illness isn’t an excuse.
It never will be.
So buck up.
Suck it up.
Do your homework.
And don’t let CF or hospital stays win.
As a baby he was all Mama’s boy. I was a single mom and he was my world.
