by Sarah | Oct 12, 2011 | All About Erik, All About Marriage, All About Me
He was the first to ask US on a date. He included my beautiful three year old on our first date. He thought of us before he thought of me. He took us to an appropriate kid-friendly place. He talked to Brandon, he made Brandon laugh. And when dinner was over, Brandon looked at Archie and said, “Are you coming home to see Mimi and Papa?” The deal was sealed…he was special.
I held back, afraid to give up my heart. I couldn’t tell him I loved him…I was terrified of my past repeating itself. But once I was able to make that step, everything fell into place. Engaged and a wedding date planned before we’d hit the six month point. A fall wedding, as I’d dreamed.
There wasn’t a doubt…WE would be married. Not just Archie, and I…but Brandon, too. He asked Brandon permission to marry me, and he had Brandon give me the ring – sending my mother into a fit of tears. The ceremony would involve Brandon, and we’d be announced as a family.
And so we were. Our small family embarking on new territory. Making a path none of us was too sure how to follow. But we trudged ahead and forged it together.
The first year was tough as I pursued roles in Community Theater as well as marriage and mommy-hood. But from there, community theater was put on hold to focus on family.
We’ve had our struggles…financially, and emotionally. But we’re now at nine years and stronger than ever.
He’s the one that’s supported me, no matter what my dream or desire. He believes in me when I’m not so sure I believe in myself. He tells me daily that I’m beautiful, or a good wife, or both. He is proud of me as his wife, and as a mother.
So Archie, thank you for nine years of wedded bliss (and miss)…our struggles made us stronger…and your love makes me better.
by Sarah | Oct 5, 2011 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Marriage, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”5293689107″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Cross Country season is drawing to a close. The final (County-wide) meet is in less than a week. Coming up there is nothing but PTO meetings, Parent/Teacher Conferences and life in general.
This also means that the teen will be home before 4PM every day.
I always thought once the girls were both in school I’d go back to work. Nothing so dramatic as full-time day jobs (and definitely NOT banking again ~gag~). I figured I would return to waitressing. With the teen old enough to babysit in short spurts, I’d be able to get a job at a real restaurant with real tips since I could now actually get into work before 6PM. Maybe we could get a (slightly) steadier increased income. Maybe we could leave SSI and its unreliable, and ever decreasing, amounts behind. Become self-sufficient again. Maybe even one day live the dream of giving up Child Support (or actually putting that in savings).
Now that day is here.
Yet we hesitate.
Last year Angel ended up in the hospital for the first time ever. It was five days where our only focus was her and making sure we saw the other two kids. Last year she wasn’t even in school. Only exposed to those hundred of viruses on the periphery.
It could happen again at any time.
We are six weeks into the school year and Angel has already missed five days due to illness. That’s one week out of six. Most of them in the past three weeks.
So now we toss up in the air whether I would even be able to maintain a job or if I’d constantly have to take off for illness or hospital stays or whatever.
I know, we can’t live life hanging by that ‘what if she gets sick’ thread…but it is a fact and a factor in everything. Having to weigh the consequences of not just being away from home several evenings a week – versus the likelihood that I will have to call in at least a couple of times, maybe more.
The thought of working again only scares me peripherally. I actually like the thought of having adult interaction, even if it is only as server to customer. I worked in banking for about eight years. It sort of ripped out my soul and stomped on it and I never wanted to work again after it. But I did, and I found a job at Bob Evans (the only place that would hire me w/ the hours I could work). The tips weren’t horrendous, but they weren’t top of the line. BUT. But…I loved my job. Even when I didn’ t like my new manager, and the employee turnover brought in some people that weren’t my favorites…I loved what I did. It was fun. It was interactive. It made me happy.
There are positives, many of them, to me going back to work…
But there are so many balls up in the air I’m afraid tossing in one more would be too much. Plus, I’d really hate to get a job I love, maybe even start earning enough to lose SSI…only to lose that job because of things well beyond my control.
We can’t live in the what-if’s…
But we can’t ignore them either.
by Sarah | Jul 5, 2011 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, Random
[flickr id=”5502918424″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] Brandon left on Sunday.
Boy Scout camp for a full week.
Riley & Angel left this afternoon.
Gone to their grandparents for 2 days.
Archie leaves in the morning.
Off to work. Then to Family Night at Scout camp. Then work the next day.
The house is empty, save for me.
I sit in silence.
I will most likely be cleaning – something I always do when left alone.
During the in-between I will sit and soak up the silence.
Stuck between content and disturbed.
Normally chaos and noise fill this house.
The silence is disconcerting.
But rare enough that I will take some time to enjoy it.
I have a stack of books to read. Trying to meet my 50 books read in 2011 goal (15 read, several partially read).
I have 6 rooms that all need cleaning – one that needs a splash of paint on the trim.
I will complete what I can.
And enjoy some time off.
by Sarah | Mar 10, 2011 | All About Erik, All About Marriage, All About Me
For the first time in a while I’m using a prompt from MamaKat. One of her prompts this week was: Write a poem about a time you were left behind.
Vows were made, sealed with a kiss.
Onto the reception they were whisked.
Dinner, dancing, a bit of drinking.
Family, friends, the party was shrinking.
Tired, worn out, the day was ending.
Time to depart, the honeymoon pending.
Bride and groom gathered their things,
Bits and pieces in the wings
Then returned to the hall to go home
Only to find themselves all alone
Everyone had left in a rush
Leaving us in the dust.
So we favored the still open bar
Until family arrived in a car
****
True story. Hubby & I got left behind at our own reception. We’d used a limo to get from the church to pictures and then the reception…and not one person had planned on how we would get home to our cars so we could leave for the hotel. We had to call my parents and remind them of our existence.
Thankfully they only lived about 5 miles from the reception location!!
by Sarah | Jan 14, 2011 | Fatherhood Fridays
I always feel lousy this time of year. And it is almost always depression, sinking its sharp teeth in me, and shaking me like a dog with a new toy. Even if I didn’t have the armload of mental issues that I do, this is always a tough time of year. The pressures of the holidays, the pressures at work, everything just becomes more intense in the winter.
I do love the winter, the hush that falls with the first snow early in the morning (I often go outside early just to experience this); bundling up my girls in scarves, hats, and coats; the refreshing chill in the morning. I don’t really care for the angry motorists who don’t scrape their windshields; the cars that blow up on their owners (personally speaking); the nasty brown slush that gets left behind; wet socks from all of the snow tramped in the house; and the claustrophobic feeling that occurs after hearing your kids tear around the inside of a very small house for weeks on end.
It does give me time to catch up on movie watching, of which I am and addict. It drives Sadie and the kids nuts because I like movies with blood, guns, action, guns shooting, gore, guns shooting people, kung fu, sci-fi, boobies, war epics, and scary flicks. Sadie usually puts on headphones and averts her eyes, as the sound of bone crunching mayhem makes her nauseous. Not me, the louder the better. Most of you readers are women as well, and will sympathize with my wife’s plight. Other have husbands who don’t watch such stuff, and I feel bad that they don’t know what they are missing. For example; in the new Rambo movie, blood doesn’t run, it explodes. I know, cool, right? I actually like some dramatic movies, but I can’t watch rom-coms/chick flicks. Sadie always wants me to write movie reviews, but I think most women would be bored to read about my take on “Troy”. If anyone were interested, let me know and I’ll try it.
I have a few things that I want to do this year, but I don’t want to call them resolutions. I hate new year resolutions, they never get resolved. But I would like to improve myself this year. Here are a few things I want to try:
- Exercise often and eat healthier. I can do this, but I haven’t been able to sustain very well. Right now, my overall health is horrible. I need to get a new ipod/mp3 player with an armband holder and I’ll be set.
- Play with the girls more often. I’m guilty of not sharing enough with them, and I want to fix it.
- Play, spend time with, try to understand the boy better and spend more time with him. Right now my patience is very short with him, and I feel a little(not a lot) bad about that.
- Groom and maintain my yard better. It looked great for several years, but the last two years it has looked like crap. A nicely filled out and trimmed yard makes me very happy and peaceful.
- Have a better all around attitude, especially at work. I’m a naturally negative person, and it’s tough to be smiley. But I can do it.
- Be better to my wife. I’m a very difficult person, owing a lot to my ocd habits, and she gets the brunt of it. She deserves better, and I should be capable of doing better for her. I love her.
That’s a few of the things I want to do. Maybe I can share more later. Wish me luck, I’m off to wok on ‘em. We’re due for a good year.
**********
When I approached Archie about writing this week, he didn’t know what to write. He felt “uncomfortable” writing aobut something outside of the kids. After a little explanation that this blog is about Redefining Perfect in every way, including our own lives…I managed to wrangle a post out of him. For those that don’t know, because I generally only mention it in passing on this blog – Archie has severe depression & anxiety disorders…as well as we believe that he actually is the genetic blueprint for Riley * her autism.
That being said, I always love having Archie post on my blog, and I hope you’ll all show him some love. He deserves it most of the time 😉
by Sarah | Dec 28, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Kennedy, All About Me, Cystic Fibrosis, Hospital, PICC
There is no way I can handle this.
I’m not strong enough.
How horrible a Mom am I that I can’t help my own baby?
I’m so weak. I can’t even hold her hand when she’s screaming in pain and fear.
I ran from the room, bursting into tears.
How can they think I can do these meds at home?
We were on our way home. I was trembling in fear. We arrived home and Archie kicked into “Super Hubby” mode. Trying to do everything to make the transition run smooth for me. To ease my panic, despite his own level of it.
His attempts were valiant.
I was just not having much success coping.
The rest of the evening and night was a disaster. I was very short-tempered. So was wonder-hubs. All 3 kids were wired, over-stimulated, jealous, hyper, impatient. It was a mess.
Archie had to do her meds…and I got stuck having to hold & distract Angel – who was unhappy with the PICC line in general.
There was no way this was going to work. I went to bed un-satisfied, un-resolved, almost depressed.
The next morning the panic had subsided. I made myself to busy work – preparing for our Christmas Eve ‘party’ at my house. The neighbor had asked Archie’s help with something…and he was preparing to go right around medicine time.
While Archie took a shower, I stared down the meds.
I dug down deep and called over Angel.
I started the process.
I cleaned the line, and started the saline…and then the meds.
I had done it.
With minimal sensation of nausea…I had administered her medication into the PICC line.
And through it all, Angel hadn’t freaked once.
Maybe…just maybe…there was a way…
*********
Tomorrow, a little bit more of the ugly…how the others are handling Angel’s doses of attention…how we’re handling the schedule (not always so good)…and so on…
