by Sarah | Dec 3, 2010 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Kennedy, All About Molly, Fatherhood Fridays
The holidays are always hard on me. I wasn’t the happiest or sunniest child, and that has carried over to adulthood. It always felt as if they snuck up and hit me in the back of the head, but then didn’t run away but stayed to continue doing it until February or March. There is some SAD to it, mixed with my own general depression/anxiety/obsessive-compulsive traits. Having kids has made it a lot better and I enjoy our Christmases together. As a parent, one of my biggest struggles has been to be upbeat and excited about the holidays throughout the year. Each year, I persevere, yet feel as if I leave too much for my wife to do. Sometimes it’s the way duties are separated in the household, each having mostly consistent roles and chores to be done. But nothing is ever written in stone.
Sadie is a SAHM, so most of the household duties fall to her; like dishes, laundry, cleaning, & cooking. I will occasionally do some of those, but never cooking(I’m a horrible cook). I usually take care of maintenance on the house & cars, do yard work, and of course, go to work daily to support all of us.
But when it comes to administering to the kids needs, physically and emotionally, both of us handle it together. Sadie is a bit more of a nurturer than I, but there are certain situations that I am better suited to address. And as for Sadie and myself, we have mostly balanced each other out well over the years. When I am struggling, she is able to keep from bottoming out. And when she is stressed past the limit, I am able to help her back to even ground.
What is hard about this year, and we try not to focus on the negative, is that our kids are having struggles with things we can’t help them with. We’re both still shell-shocked about Brandon’s preliminary diagnosis of CF, the reality is settling on us slowly, heavily. It was just so out of the blue, we thought to have him tested, but knew that nothing would come of it. I blame myself, but most parents do when something goes wrong for their kids. I know Sadie blames herself too, just a natural reaction. He is still getting high grades, wants to continue sports in the spring, and loves Boy Scout campouts. We think he is happy, or at least as happy as a twelve year old can express.
Angel having complications with her CF is not unexpected, but still is unsettling. How her function can go up and down so fast is scary, and makes us wonder if we’re not watching her close enough. Now she may have strep, although I don’t know the full ramifications of this yet. She gives us no symptoms or complaints until she is already well into sickness. However, she still has the brightest smiles and chatters about everything constantly. She can be read like an open book, but a book that you enjoy so much, you never want to put it down.
Riley is,…..well….we love Riley. As Sadie has posted, she has advanced and regressed at the same time. Riley is a whirlwind at home; usually blond hair flying behind her, fighting with and screaming at her sister, and talking so fast you can’t make anything out. In school, the reports are all saying that she is remaining on task better and learning LOTS of things. Infrequently at home, Riley withdraws into herself and just seems to vacate her body. This is usually when she is peaceful at home(not often). But she is slowly coming around to talking with us(REAL CONVERSATION MATERIAL). And she can be so loving sometimes, that her issues fade into the background.
I’m not saying that we have any more to deal with than any other parent. I’m just saying it’s tough, tough to be everything all the time. I have more respect now for my parents than I ever did before. Being a parent of children of special needs children is a hard job, but I have a feeling it won’t be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. That will be when they grow up and leave their mother and me.
I guess all I am really saying is love your kids. Love their strengths. Love their weaknesses. Love them as much as you can. Special needs or not, we are the lucky ones. Our children are alive and fighting, and we are in there fighting even harder along with them.
Enjoy your holidays!
by Sarah | Nov 12, 2010 | All About Erik, Fatherhood Fridays
Thanks to a little prodding early enough in the week, we’ve been granted a visit from Archie this week. I need to try to prod him more regularly. His posts are always a pleasure. This week he gives us a bit of a ‘state of the union’.
My wife likes me to write a guest blog occasionally, I lack the initiative to make it a regular thing. But I made it here today, so let’s see what obnoxious thoughts we can pour out of my head, without tainting you all further.
Sadie’s dad and I took Riley and Angel to the Father/Daughter Fall Ball this past weekend. I’m hoping that this will be the start of many, and that the girls will come to view it as special time with the old man. Right now, they were more interested in balloons and dancing to some teeny-bop music than slow dancing to “Butterfly Kisses” with their dad. But they had fun. I did too.
We then started the week with a meeting with the school psychologist for Riley. Nothing particularly revelatory, stuff we have known for a while and have been dealing with. But every time the diagnoses and the accompanying criteria are spelled out in front of us, it hurts just like the first time I heard my little gator was not okay. Monday was no exception. But the school has an IEP meeting scheduled for us next week to address Riley’s issues and how proceed in her best interest. I have more faith in our school system than Sadie, but that’s tentatively based on how Riley accepts the adjustments. What it really boils down to is that we are both concerned that Riley will fall in the cracks and get forgotten, and we are working to find the best option for her with the least amount of collateral damage.
The other kids are well. Sadie posts often that the boy is really growing up, and I couldn’t agree more. He is turning into a fine young man, and humility and decency are really starting to come out in him. He has always been smart, and he doesn’t seem to be afraid to use his intelligence. We couldn’t be prouder. Right now he has a broken arm and pneumonia, and although I am tired of hearing Nintendo DS and Mythbusters marathons, he still makes me very happy to have as a son. Unless he were to clean his room. Ever.
Angel is……..well, we love Angel. She has the widest range of emotion in all of us. She is the most charming child in our household, and represents our happiness at its core. We are lucky to have been given such a bright ray of sunshine, to light our faces and warm our souls. She alone represents the best in us, and sometimes the worst. I worry about her sometimes, but she usually makes me forget that by smiling in the most disarming way.
This week at Angel’s cf clinic, we discovered that her overall lung function has dropped alarmingly. She is now back on a whopping dose of medicines that she neither likes nor wants, and we as the parents have to make sure she toes the line. Thing is, we have not noticed any of the usual signs that she might be in distress including labored breathing, wheezing, tiredness, lethargy, etc.. She has less than a month to improve, and if she doesn’t, she will have to be admitted to the hospital. See why I worry about her? With her brother sick, I feel like hovering over her, even though that will likely irritate her. I love Riley Children’s Hospital, but I don’t want my baby there for Christmas. She needs to be home with her family. If she can’t be, then we will have Christmas at the hospital with her. Period.
A sometimes blessed, heartbreaking, chaotic, neurotic, emotional, and never quiet household. It helps to take my mind off the world at large, with all of the horrible things people do to each other in all forms. My heart bleeds when I read the news, but when I come home, I only need the three faces of my loved ones to smile at me and it all goes away. Even if just for awhile.
I am trying to write(fiction), but it is tough. I had a really good thread started, but it disappeared from my computer and I’ve been reluctant to start again. I envy my wife’s ability to create, but then women are made to create. I like working with old cars, although my skills are limited to finish work. I like to blow sh!t up sometimes too. Or shoot something with a gun. And drink a beer while doing any of the preceding. I belong to a good family, that always has room for more, if not in our house then certainly in our hearts. Come see us sometime.
by Sarah | Nov 1, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Me, Holidays
It is very rare an occasion that the husband and I can get Christmas presents for each other. In fact, the last time was 3 years ago and we had maybe a $50 budget. We focus on the kids, and making the day about them.
This year, thanks to some planning ahead (like starting to buy in June and actually putting money away for this reason)…we can actually buy each other Christmas presents. Our budget is a little more roomy…room for one larger ticket item, and a few small things.
In making my Christmas list I have two bigger ticket items on it. Just about everything on my list revolves around my camera…and since we can’t afford a new camera or lens, I have two things that I really want and I can’t get them both…unless I win this giveaway.
See, I’ve been eying the idea of a nice camera bag for a while. When I saw this Rose bag in the color Clementine from Jo Totes, I fell hard. Archie thinks I’m strange for wanting this orange color, but I’ve been falling in love with orange slowly over the past couple of years. And this bag is beautiful in orange.
Then there’s an extension tube for my camera. I really would like it for a number of reasons…and though I’ve been coveting it for less time, it’s still something I really want.
So, when I saw the giveaway at Lotus’ review site I had to enter…because if I win, the conundrum is solved. Otherwise one of these items has to wait longer, until I can afford it out of pocket.
Choosing between two big wants is very much not easy…and winning this giveaway would ease that so much 😉 Cross fingers.
P.S. Archie, so you know…the other things I want for Christmas are here:
Wireless Remote, Tripod, EAS Sports Active, Cook or Be Cooked, Lens Hood, a gift card to Knit Picks, Truly Victorian, or Barnes & Noble, of course, a new robe and slippers are always good 😉
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*Yup, I hardly ever blog about giveaways…despite the extra entries it can get you…but this giveaway was too good to pass up….plus the post also served a dual purpose, by giving the hubby my Christmas list in one place. So forgive me for my indulgent post…we go back to semi-regularly scheduled posting tomorrow 😉
**Oh, and please don’t go to Lotus’ for this giveaway…no matter how AWESOME it is…The few people that enter, the more likely I am to win…I know…you’re already on your way over. I’m so screwed *G*
by Sarah | Oct 18, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Marriage, All About Me
For 45 hours….
There was no autism.
No CF.
No band practice or concerts.
No grades.
No screaming.
No tattling.
No doctors.
No therapists.
No tests.
No school.
No homework.
No racing, pounding little footsteps.
No punishments.
No attitudes.
No worries.
*****
For 45 hours…
We crossed a wine tasting off my 45X45 list.
We had adult conversation.
Toured a museum at our pace.
Walked the streets of the city we live so close to but hardly ever see.
Watched what we wanted to.
Ate at new places.
Held hands.
People watched.
Slept without alarm clocks.
Laughed.
Reconnected.
**
Our anniversary was this past week. This weekend we dumped the kids with their grandparents and had 45 hours to ourselves. It was wonderful, peaceful. We plan on doing it again much sooner than later.
It isn’t until you get away from it all that you realize how wrapped up in it you are.
Everyone needs a break. We took full advantage of ours.
And.
It.
Was.
Wonderful.
by Sarah | Oct 11, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Marriage, All About Me
He was the first to ask US on a date. He included my beautiful three year old on our first date. He thought of us before he thought of me. He took us to an appropriate kid-friendly place. He talked to Brandon, he made Brandon laugh. And when dinner was over, Brandon looked at Archie and said, “Are you coming home to see Mimi and Papa?” The deal was sealed…he was special.
I held back, afraid to give up my heart. I couldn’t tell him I loved him…I was terrified of my past repeating itself. But once I was able to make that step, everything fell into place. Engaged and a wedding date planned before we’d hit the six month point. A fall wedding, as I’d dreamed.
There wasn’t a doubt…WE would be married. Not just Archie, and I…but Brandon, too. He asked Brandon permission to marry me, and he had Brandon give me the ring – sending my mother into a fit of tears. The ceremony would involve Brandon, and we’d be announced as a family.
And so we were. Our small family embarking on new territory. Making a path none of us was too sure how to follow. But we trudged ahead and forged it together.
The first year was tough as I pursued roles in Community Theater as well as marriage and mommy-hood. But from there, community theater was put on hold to focus on family.
We’ve had our struggles…financially, and emotionally. But we’re now at six years and stronger than ever.
He’s the one that’s supported me, no matter what my dream or desire. He believes in me when I’m not so sure I believe in myself. He tells me daily that I’m beautiful, or a good wife, or both. He is proud of me as his wife, and as a mother.
So Archie, thank you for eight years of wedded bliss (and miss)…our struggles made us stronger…and your love makes me better.
**********
*My anniversary is actually tomorrow, but as that’s the day for the Flip Side post, I’m posting this a day early. It’s mostly a re-post of one I made 2 years ago…but it’s still posted with the same heart.
by Sarah | Sep 3, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Molly, Autism, Crap, Fatherhood Fridays
This is not our first Fatherhood Friday. It’s just been a long time since Archie stepped up to this plate. I asked him to write a post on this subject, and have asked him to try to continue writing posts as time/inspiration allows. It’s always nice to get the other perspective from time to time 🙂
I’m writing this for a second point of view on our concerns for our daughter who has just started school.
I would like to say first of all that although my wife and I don’t agree on every aspect, I love her and respect what she has to say. No exceptions. I love our kids the same way, with no exceptions. Maybe I love them in different ways than each other, but no more or no less than the others. This will be about our middle child, Riley.
I knew the day would come where Riley would be old enough to go to school. My wife championed homeschooling, while I am a public education proponent. We both had sound logic in our choices, but eventually one of us would have to give way. Being small and comforting, the h/s milieu would provide stability and support as well as routine for Riley, as she loved things to be repetitious and consistent. Public school would give her interaction with other kids, lots of them, and would help her to mainstream, just be a standard kid.
By sheer persistence, I wore down Sarah to the point she would go along with me, albeit unconvinced I was making a good decision for Riley. So, she went to school.
Within the first few weeks, Riley lost her ability to remain calm. At school, the excessive noise(holy god, kindergarten is insanely noisy), the shuffling of many small bodies, the closeness of the setting, and the newness of it all burned through her coping mechanisms like wildfire. She literally hasn’t any defenses left. Any accomplishments she might make, are made nil by erratic behavior. She is suffering, trying desperately to keep from drowning, while the waves are just getting bigger.
At home, Riley isn’t much different. At times, she is silent, inconsistent, demanding, inconsolable, loud, and will take her stress out on the rest of us without warning. Those are a lot of harsh adjectives to describe my sweet, little girl. Make no mistake, I love my Riley more than the human heart is actually capable of handling.
And that was my downfall. I so wanted the “perfect”, “normal” life for her, that I became blind to who she was becoming in her own right. Before school began, we had a little girl, who despite being diagnosed as autistic, was capable of emotions and moods in the range of everyone else. Yes, at times she was a pistol. And there were some problems we were not capable of handling. But she was the best little girl she was ever capable of being, and more. And I overlooked it.
It’s easy to see where I went wrong, because I just wanted the best for Riley and didn’t want her to be burdened with the struggles I encountered at her age. But she isn’t me. She is her own, beautiful little person that has her own path to make. We will find the best way for her, with her as a guide to help us make sure we keep her first and us second. And her sister is coming along right behind with other special issues that will need to be met. So, this will help in the long run.
But I have the guilt of betraying my daughters faith and trust in me, I let her down. And I also have the guilt of letting my wife down by not listening to what she was telling me. As a parent, we all silently beat ourselves up over things we do to our kids that we wish didn’t.
So, here I am. I’m sorry, Riley, for not keeping you first and putting you in bad situation. And I’m sorry, Sarah, for not being the husband and father I should always strive to be. But, I promise to do better. I love you guys.
****
*Must note – the picture above is a meld. On the left is Archie as a young boy, on the right, Riley.
