This is Me

by Sarah | Jan 7, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, I am a Geek, I Am Polish, I'm A Reader, I'm A Writer, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me, The Geek

Everyone puts a face on. They put out a persona on social media, or in real life, of who they want to be, how they want to be seen, a way they think people will like them. We’re extremely adaptable in that way. It’s not wrong, but sometimes we get lost in the shuffle.

I sure as hell did.

I’ve spent a lot of years chipping away at myself to mold myself in a way I thought I would fit. It started in 6th grade when the bullying started (another post for another time, but it was BAD)…and even today between my social anxiety and my chipping away at myself I’d become someone I didn’t recognize.

Oddly enough, the trigger point for me deciding to abandon this practice was the supreme court nominee and the subsequent uproar.

Let me tell you one thing, as a person who hates confrontation and is easily triggered into anxiety by political/religious discussions, discussions of assault, discussions of race…well, it’s a slow process to emerge from that tiny little shell I’d built for myself.

So here I am…taking a step to tell you who I REALLY am behind that facade I so carefully built.

I am a mother of three who sometimes feels completely inadequate as a mother.

I am a former dancer who misses the dance.

I am an author who writes sometimes dark, but always complex romance.

I was born and raised Republican in a suburb of Buffalo…but turned full on liberal in a gradual course that’s led me to not recognize how I could have been raised by such staunch Republicans.

Human kindness and decency win for me over greed and controlling – thus I = liberal.

I may be a part of a cult…okay, not really but for the first time in my life I tout that a self-help book changed my life (you know, that Oola thing)…because it HAS.

I am a Wiccan/Pagan who draws tarot cards and oracle cards. I have studied under a shaman I’m happy to call my friend and an Ojibwe Medicine Woman whose course has had another profound effect on my life.  In the past several months I’ve made big steps forward in my faith and feel myself growing because of it.

^^I have ALWAYS hidden my religion unless I’ve felt truly “Safe”…because I live in the bible belt. My parents all but disowned me when they learned about my religious preference. I was raised without church, but my parents went bible-thumping crazy when we moved to Indiana.  I joined them for a while but several events made me step back from that faith and find one that spoke to my soul.

I don’t care what your religious preference is, I care what sort of human you are. If you offer to pray for me or wish me a Merry Christmas, I am NOT offended. Love and support is welcome no matter the form.

I am a survivor of sexual assault. I was date-raped by my high school boyfriend on several occasions (including being forced to lose my virginity). I was being groomed by my aunt’s husband for who knows what. This is still VERY triggering for me.

I didn’t tell my mother until 15 years after the grooming about my uncle. It took two more years to tell my father. I’ve never told either about my high school boyfriend.

I love my kids beyond compare – and am way too easy on them sometimes, and way too hard at other times.

I believe my kids should follow their dreams and their happiness – not go to college just because it will “help” them. In fact, if it will send them into debt, I don’t see the point.

I have let things slide I never should have to make & keep friends. I’ve ignored racism, assault, and drama just to belong. Years of bullying left me desperate. I’m desperate no longer.

I’m learning that sometimes you just have to cut people out. I suck at it, but I’m learning.

I currently hate my body. I went from being harassed for being overly skinny, to not recognizing myself with the weight I’ve put on. I know it’s unhealthy to hate my body that’s done so much good (hello, three kids)…it’s just where I’m at.  I’m working on it – and being healthier to take care of it.  If I’m not treating my body like shit I could love a healthy size 10 or 12 or 14 instead of hating whatever size I am (I’m afraid to try anything on to find out what it actually is).  I’m working out and eating better, but it’s baby steps to the elevator.

I am a GEEK. Seriously…Star Trek, Harry Potter, Star Wars…the things I was picked on for in high school are stupid popular in some ways now…or maybe I’ve found my geek tribe? Either way, I’m proud to be a geek.

I’m a sometimes voracious reader (154 books in 2017…only 26 in 2018…it’s a roller coaster), who will now read a wide variety of books. I used to hate non-fic, but I’ve found several that worked for me. I love my books.

I’ve raised my kids to be proud of their otherness, their weirdness.  Though I’ve struggled with that outside feeling for so long…I’ve never wanted them to. It seems to be working.

I only hope it does. Because the world would be boring if my kids weren’t their weird, dark, geeky, glorious selves.