by Sarah | Oct 11, 2011 | All About Me, Crap, Random
[flickr id=”6234929839″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]On those weeks when everything happens at once.
When you are certain that if one more thing happens, you’ll just cease to exist.
Even the most together person, the strongest person can snap.
Have a bad day.
I’m not the strongest person.
I play it well.
But I’m not.
Yesterday was the day I snapped.
Almost threw my expensive camera…at someone’s head.
It wasn’t pretty.
Today I’m recovering.
Feel a million times better.
But it lingers.
Tomorrow will be better.
I won’t accept less.
by Sarah | Oct 5, 2011 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Marriage, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”5293689107″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Cross Country season is drawing to a close. The final (County-wide) meet is in less than a week. Coming up there is nothing but PTO meetings, Parent/Teacher Conferences and life in general.
This also means that the teen will be home before 4PM every day.
I always thought once the girls were both in school I’d go back to work. Nothing so dramatic as full-time day jobs (and definitely NOT banking again ~gag~). I figured I would return to waitressing. With the teen old enough to babysit in short spurts, I’d be able to get a job at a real restaurant with real tips since I could now actually get into work before 6PM. Maybe we could get a (slightly) steadier increased income. Maybe we could leave SSI and its unreliable, and ever decreasing, amounts behind. Become self-sufficient again. Maybe even one day live the dream of giving up Child Support (or actually putting that in savings).
Now that day is here.
Yet we hesitate.
Last year Angel ended up in the hospital for the first time ever. It was five days where our only focus was her and making sure we saw the other two kids. Last year she wasn’t even in school. Only exposed to those hundred of viruses on the periphery.
It could happen again at any time.
We are six weeks into the school year and Angel has already missed five days due to illness. That’s one week out of six. Most of them in the past three weeks.
So now we toss up in the air whether I would even be able to maintain a job or if I’d constantly have to take off for illness or hospital stays or whatever.
I know, we can’t live life hanging by that ‘what if she gets sick’ thread…but it is a fact and a factor in everything. Having to weigh the consequences of not just being away from home several evenings a week – versus the likelihood that I will have to call in at least a couple of times, maybe more.
The thought of working again only scares me peripherally. I actually like the thought of having adult interaction, even if it is only as server to customer. I worked in banking for about eight years. It sort of ripped out my soul and stomped on it and I never wanted to work again after it. But I did, and I found a job at Bob Evans (the only place that would hire me w/ the hours I could work). The tips weren’t horrendous, but they weren’t top of the line. BUT. But…I loved my job. Even when I didn’ t like my new manager, and the employee turnover brought in some people that weren’t my favorites…I loved what I did. It was fun. It was interactive. It made me happy.
There are positives, many of them, to me going back to work…
But there are so many balls up in the air I’m afraid tossing in one more would be too much. Plus, I’d really hate to get a job I love, maybe even start earning enough to lose SSI…only to lose that job because of things well beyond my control.
We can’t live in the what-if’s…
But we can’t ignore them either.
by Sarah | Sep 21, 2011 | All About Me, Random, Story of Me
Once upon a time….
I was having a miserable several years in teen land (as many of us did). In 6th grade I went from having a decent amount of friends to being tagged as the biggest nerd in the school. The sudden shift was shocking and painful. It was aided by braces, glasses and the world’s worst case of acne.
In essence my self esteem was in the toilet (and still suffers to this day).
Summer before my freshman year my bro and Dad went college visiting one weekend and my Mom thought it would be a great idea to take me to her friends campground.
I was less than thrilled.
I didn’t realize it would change so much.
That weekend I met Kathy. She was pretty, confident, popular…everything I wasn’t. In that weekend, in that place it seemed like what I was back home didn’t matter.
We became fast friends.
For the next several years Kathy and I talked almost every day for about an hour and a half, and every weekend hanging out with our campground buddies. When school started we were on the phone every day after school. Met up on holidays, spent weekends at each others house.
It was a sorely needed friendship for me. Probably more than she even realized.
As time often does, it moved on. Life pulled us apart. I moved to Indiana (the first time). Then I moved to North Carolina, and when I moved to Virginia she went to Florida. We lost phone numbers and contact info. We drifted apart.
She found me 9 years ago and we managed to reconnect briefly. But it was one, maybe 2 phone calls and life got in the way again. We both had kids and husbands and jobs and were living life.
Just a couple of days ago after an exchange of a few facebook messages my phone rang.
It was Kathy.
9 years after our last conversation. 13 years after the last time we met face to face.
We talked for an hour and a half, just like old times. We talked about everything. Big and small.
Our conversation was about budgets and babysitting, home and family, jobs and mothering. A far cry from our conversations about boys, homework and school.
Yet, it was exactly the same.
We ended the conversation in smiles, promising to do it again soon and proclaiming each how it felt like absolutely no time had passed at all. That while life had led us in different directions that core of our friendship still held on strong. A chain as solid as steel, forged in the difficulty of teen years.
True friendship lingers even when life pulls us apart.
by Sarah | Sep 6, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”6110555951″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] One day will they look back and think of their childhood with a smile like I do?
Or will they remember the screaming Mommy monster.
Will they feel they were robbed of delights and joys because our money is so tight?
Or will they think we gave them everything they truly needed?
Hindsight is 20/20 and there are days I have such regrets. I feel like such a failure.
Then I turn around and see them thriving in their own areas and ways. And I again think I’m not as bad a parent as I fear.
Right now I’m in the abstract. There are more tomorrows than there are yesterdays…then again for Brandon there are more yesterdays than tomorrows in his time under our care.
I struggle. I worry. I fight for the happy memories and try to look past what might not be so good.
I hate the abstract…
But I am working to enjoy every moment of it that I can. It’s the only way we can hope to give them happy hindsight.
by Sarah | Aug 10, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us
[flickr id=”6030468849″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] “Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations.” ~Henry David Thoreau
Last night on twitter I dared someone to give me a topic to blog about. Knowing how much I’ve been reading lately, Emily suggested I do a post on books. “Like a 10 best reads,” was her suggestion. I’m not good at narrowing…I like to talk WAY too much…but it seemed like a good challenge. So this won’t be my 10 best reads, per se…we’ll see what I make of it.
First I’ll start with books I’ve read this year (I challenged myself to read 50. I’m half done. See me on Goodreads 😉 ). Non-series books that really made me sit up and take notice.
- Still Missing – Chevy Stevens. The story of a woman that was abducted and what her life and relationships became afterwards, not to mention how she lived with and handled the abduction itself. It’s told through sessions with her therapist in first person. Very wrenching, thought provoking with a satisfying ending.
- Thirteen Reasons Why – Jay Asher. A girl commits suicide and leaves behind cassette tapes detailing thirteen reasons (and people) that led to her suicide. It grabbed me by the throat and held me fast, wrecking me emotionally after (I had to switch and read a few light & fluffy books to come down). I could relate to the girl and what she went through. Told from the point of view of the 10th person on the tapes as he listens to them.
- Speak – Laurie Halse Anderson. Another book about a teen dealing with an emotional event. While I figured out what the event was early in the book – before it was really said or pointed out – it was still an emotional read. The girl deals with an ostracizing event by closing down. She gets to the point where she pretty much never talks. While it didn’t rip me open as much as 13 Reasons did…it was still an emotional read.
- Confessions of a Prairie Bitch – Alison Arngrim. My husband calls me un-American because I didn’t watch the Little House TV series. I never watched it because I loved the books and the show didn’t stay true enough. BUT, I felt completely compelled to read this book. I’m so glad I did. Alison details life on and off the set, before, during and after Little House. With a bit of sarcasm, wit and a certain amount of fire, she tells about great pains and joys. I came out liking Alison and admiring her.
- Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children – Ransom Riggs. Okay, I may have cheated putting this here…but since there’s been no formal announcement of this turning into a series I can. This book was very interesting. Told by integrating old pictures, it’s a surprisingly different read. A 16 year old boy has learned to dismiss his grandfather’s fanciful stories until his grandfather is murdered by a monster straight out of them – that only the boy can see. From there he ventures into a world he never expects.
- A Reliable Wife – Robert Goolrick. Another cheat – I read this in 2010, but I have to include it on this part of the list. It’s a gothic romance. Much darker than what I’d read in the past – and definitely stirring. It had an ending I definitely didn’t expect, and ended up being very satisfied with. I won’t say more – except to read it.
There are a couple of series I recommend…and in these you’ll see my bent toward the paranormal/urban fantasy type of story. In previous years I would have recommended the Sookie Stackhouse stories by Charlaine Harris. Now? Not so much. She’s lost a lot of my love…and I would NEVER recommend the sparkly books…they make me hurl (them across the room).
- A Discovery of Witches – Deborah Harkness. Only 1 book published so far and it’s this one. And I’m chomping at the bit for book 2. In this book we meet a descendant of Bridget Bishop (look up Salem Witch Trials if you don’t know who she is and if you don’t I have no hope for you :P)…in a world where magic/witches and vampires are living among us. It’s a six hundred page book that I read in 2 days. It’s that good.
- Mercy Thompson – Patricia Briggs. Starting with Moon Called this series stars a half-Native American “Walker” (shapeshifter that takes the shape of a coyote), her nearby Werewolf pack, her “friendly” neighborhood vampire, her fae ex-boss, and a cast of other preternatural creatures. Like my formerly loved Sookie series, each book has a mystery of sorts, and the heroine is a kick-ass non-whiny heroine. I really like Mercy, she’s exceedingly intelligent – and takes step to learn what she doesn’t know especially when she realizes it’s necessary. Love the pack politics and learning about the creatures in that universe.
- Fever – Karen Marie Moning. I’ve heard that these go downhill after a couple of books…but I’ve only read one (Darkfever) and really enjoyed it. In this series there are Fairies, but they aren’t cute and cuddly. Definitely a page turner.
- House of Night ~ P.C. Cast. These are also starting to go downhill, but I don’t hate them yet (except for a plot point in the last book and the one due out soon). BUT, this is yet another vampire series that’s written for YA, but it contains much more mature content than the stupid sparkly books. I love these for the different take on vampire lore and they are quick and easy reads.
Well what do you know that’s a combined list of 10 (sort of). I’m sure I’ll have more read very soon (considering I have 6 unread books sitting in my kitchen, and 1 I’m 1/4 of the way through sitting next to me right now, not to mention the 5 unread books on my Nook).
Tomorrow – a post about the PB&J sushi fun lunches that I make for my girls…that actually gets them eating. 😀
by Sarah | Aug 9, 2011 | All About Denver, All About Kennedy, All About Me, Crap, Cystic Fibrosis, Special Needs
[flickr id=”5770111250″ thumbnail=”medium” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]
Tomorrow we have an appointment for CF Clinic.
I don’t want to go.
I don’t want to hear what she has decided for my kids this time.
After the ‘new’ and ‘definitive’ test.
After the genetics counselor.
After so much hell.
I’m tired.
Of doctors.
Of tests.
Of changing diagnoses.
After the last appointment (w/ genetics) I declared I was done. I never wanted to take any of them to a doctor again.
But I will.
I will find that strength again.
I will listen again.
And make sense of their decision.
And put trust in her because she is their doctor.
But I will still be tired.
