by Sarah | Jan 19, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
It was a “magical” cure my Mom told me to take every time I was on the ‘verge’ of getting better from a cold or a flu.
It did help.
At one of the online hangouts I go to there’s a running joke. “Look Normal!” is the call. One person has a picture of a (normally) stunning actress faking a smile so comically it looks photoshopped into a Jim Carrey/The Mask-ish twist of her features (it isn’t, I’ve seen the scene the screen capture came from).
That…is what I feel like now. I’m crying out “Look normal!” I’m pushing myself into taking care of house and home, husband, kids. Getting into life-breathing activities like reading, writing, food.
But it’s a mask.
I don’t feel okay.
Archie has picked up on this…and in his current state of mind…he thinks it’s his fault or I’m mad at him. I’m not a shiny, happy person right now.
I don’t know how to get back to that.
In the past few months life has been hard, my sense of reality has been turned on its head…but we’re all here. We’re together, happy, nothing catastrophic is happening right this minute.
So I should be happy.
But I’m struggling to return to “normal.”
I went through a bout like this a couple of years ago. I tried getting some anti-depressants from the doctor.
Let’s just say the treatment was worse than the problem.
Out of the handful of antidepressants I’ve tried (for different reasons, over the course of many years)…I haven’t reacted well to any of them. From tremors to NOT sleeping (literally. I didn’t sleep for 1 whole week once – it wasn’t pretty)…drugs & I do not mix.
So, I’m afraid to try again. Terrified, actually. I didn’t like not sleeping, and I didn’t like the way my brain felt on them.
Plus.
I’ve seen depression.
I see it on an almost daily basis. I support it. I live with it. I’ve seen what it is like to NEED medications.
That isn’t me.
I’m just in a funk.
A lousy funk that I haven’t been able to fake my way out of.
Remember that good cry I said I’d never had?
I think I need it now.
Otherwise things might get ugly.
by Sarah | Jan 15, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us
We are knee-deep in snow. I’m loving it.
2010 is GONE. I’m SO loving that.
I originally had a whole diatribe written out about what sucked in 2010, and how 2011 hasn’t started out great…but this post is supposed to be about hope. Starting it with nastiness and negativity isn’t conducive to the post.
So here is to the future. 2011 is going to rock…even if it kills me *G*
To that end, here are some things I’d like to see happen in 2011. Goals, not resolutions, because I can’t keep a resolution to save my life.
* Get a large team together for the Cystic Fibrosis walk this coming May. Help raise LOTS of money for this supremely worthy, and important to our family, cause. The team will be forming in February once we have a definite yay or nay on Brandon. After that walk is over, start asking at the hospital about what sort of volunteer work is available for the CF area. Once all kids are in school, I want to start getting more involved & giving back.
* Get back in shape. I started last year doing C25k and loved it – but fell off the wagon. This isn’t about weight loss – it’s about the fact that I feel like hell…and I really just want to feel good about myself and what I’m doing for my own health and happiness.
* Feed my family healthier. My husband has diabetes, his diagnosis was years ago and I changed very little about our diets. Bread, potatoes and pasta are huge staples in this house and that has to stop…Archie is already OLD (teasing, he’s 9 years older than me & I always pick on him for it)…I don’t need to shorten his life span by cooking him crap. Also, we could all stand to eat healthier. Riley could stand to start eating…PERIOD (another post for another day there).
* Get on a budget. Living hand to mouth isn’t good for us. It’s horrible for hubby’s depression and it’s horrible for emergency situations. I say this every year – this year Archie is on board. Living on a TIGHT budget is going to be tough. We’ll be strong, somehow.
* Complete at least 3 items from my 45X45 (i.e. Bucket) List. I’ve already taken the first step to getting one item knocked off…We’ll see what else I can’t wrangle this year. This goes back to what I said earlier – I want to feel good about myself. Doing some things for me is part of that.
* Get a decent haircut. In 34 years I’ve not succeeded at this. I loved having my hair really long, but I had have it shorn off last year in a very brutal and traumatic way (I know it sounds silly, but it WAS traumatic, still is). Right now I’d be happy to get a not-too-short style that suits my features. I’ve NEVER had this. I REALLY want it.
* Be more loyal to my blog(s) {yes I have more than one}. Be more true to myself WITHIN those blogs. I have started to do that here and have seen a definite & positive change in the past few months because of it.
* Build my community. In December I was able to witness first hand the power of community. My heart has been filled by this event, and I want to work harder to keep the communities I have and build on them. This means I can’t be afraid to use the phone to call people. I have to reach out, not just expect to be reached out to – because that doesn’t happen.
* Re-establish a deeper connection with my family. Including being honest with them about how I’m feeling about certain things. Be honest about events in the past. Make it a point to see them more regularly than “events”. Set up a regularly monthly lunch date w/ my mom and sister-in-law…don’t make it an event that only happens when my aunt is in town.
* Work on my photography with more diligence. Make it a point to go out on photo-walks at least once a month. Once a week once the weather gets warmer. Take my little one with me if I have to during the week while school’s in. Take my eldest when I can, and nourish his love of photography that is building. Finish my book on my camera and cross fingers for a lens that I’ve been eyeing.
* CLEAN MY HOUSE. The dream is to kick out my kids for a week. Shove everything out of the house and only bring back in the necessaries. Both Archie & I dream of doing a mass cleaning like this. Our house is just disgustingly full of clutter. It doesn’t help that it is SO TINY.
* WRITE MORE. Okay, not more than I did last year – I got insane w/ the writing & had no sleep or house cleaning because of it. That’s bad…but I haven’t written in 3 months and I hate that.
* READ MORE. I need to settle in and enjoy reading again. I want to read some classics, and some guilty pleasure newer novels. The more I read, the better writer I can become.
* FIND BALANCE. This…wow, this one is big. I’m bad at this. When I do something I do it big and everything else falls away…and suffers because of it. I struggle to pull away from the computer just to do housework. Part of this goal is definitely backing away from the computer to focus on other things more. In order to do this I have to stay up when hubby leaves for work. I have to schedule my days for a change, and get things done. Once I get the mass cleaning of the house done – I don’t want it to get like this again. I will need to be diligent.
* BE HAPPY. I know this year is going to bring me more and bigger challenges. For all the challenges 2010 brought me, I made it through…but I didn’t always make it through HAPPY. Even now I’m still grousing about it. I have always been one to try to find the silver lining, but lately I’ve been content to wallow. I don’t want to wallow this year. Whatever the struggle, I know we can face it. Just like we faced every struggle of 2010.
by Sarah | Jan 5, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.
~Ann Bronte
There have been plenty of posts for me to write in recent days. Recaps of 2010. Dreams of 2011. The kids are back in school. Life is returning to our level of normal. All PICC lines are gone, casts…
But my fingers haven’t typed a letter.
I’ve been sick. Sick as a dog for the third time in 2 months.
And to be honest, 2010 sort of sucked. We had some highs, to be sure. Some wonderful notes…but we had a few pressing lows, and some that haven’t even been dispelled yet. Areas where we linger in the hellish limbo of unanswered questions.
I lost my grandmother this year. My spunky, vibrant, bossy, stubborn grandma was taken within a week of a cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, cruelly ripped from our lives.
My Angel faced her first real level of illness at the same time. Her first severe round of massively strong antibiotics to defeat an infection that is beyond unique to CF patients. And then she was admitted to the hospital six months later for the first time. We had isolation, PICC lines, IV antibiotics…so many new and frightening evidences of her illness.
We heard the ‘official’ word “Autism” with both relief and tears. Riley faced kindergarten and challenges within herself…and gave us more challenges than we were sure we could manage.
Brandon broke finger in the beginning of summer, his wrist at Halloween. He got straight A’s…and then became faced with a possible CF diagnosis for himself as well.
For the last two months of 2010 there was someone injured or sick at all times. There was no break, no respite. I, who by law as a mom am NEVER allowed to get sick, as I said above I’ve gotten sick 3 times in the past 2 months. Right now it’s so bad, I’ve been laid up since Saturday. I haven’t been able to talk for a week. It sucks big time.
My husband has been struggling against his depression with as much strength as he can muster. The end of the year between his birthday and the holidays are always soooo hard on him, and the added stress of constant illness…I fear he’s ready for a massive break.
I’m tired of crying – but then again, I still don’t think I’ve shed a tear.
I’m exhausted from the constant beat down. I’ve taken maybe 5 pictures in 2011 because I’ve been sick for all of it…and the picture above is one of them. I had to find the beauty somewhere…and I did in the gorgeous flowery pattern of frost on our truck’s windshield.
And I’ve found it in my Riley’s beautiful way of taking care of her sick Momma (which she has taken to calling me over Mommy). In Angel’s snuggling with her Daddy, sad because we can’t dare to let her snuggle with me.
Once I am better I can take the reins and find the silver lining again. I can free up my husband to release his restraints and rid himself of some of the burden’s beating against his fragile wall of strength. I can recover my house from the clutter of Christmas. I can make sure each of my children know I love them, and I’m not just the grumpy witch on the couch that semi-yells at them to be quiet w/ her non-existent voice (seriously, it’s SAD how I sound).
But right now…
I’m not there.
I only hope tonight is the night I am able to SLEEP. To get past the worst.
Because I don’t like being here.
I want to be there.
Where I had my sh*t together. I was “ready” to face whatever.
Right now I can’t even face myself. (seriously, be glad there’s no self-portrait here today. *shudders* It would give you nightmares)
by Sarah | Dec 28, 2010 | All About Erik, All About Kennedy, All About Me, Cystic Fibrosis, Hospital, PICC
There is no way I can handle this.
I’m not strong enough.
How horrible a Mom am I that I can’t help my own baby?
I’m so weak. I can’t even hold her hand when she’s screaming in pain and fear.
I ran from the room, bursting into tears.
How can they think I can do these meds at home?
We were on our way home. I was trembling in fear. We arrived home and Archie kicked into “Super Hubby” mode. Trying to do everything to make the transition run smooth for me. To ease my panic, despite his own level of it.
His attempts were valiant.
I was just not having much success coping.
The rest of the evening and night was a disaster. I was very short-tempered. So was wonder-hubs. All 3 kids were wired, over-stimulated, jealous, hyper, impatient. It was a mess.
Archie had to do her meds…and I got stuck having to hold & distract Angel – who was unhappy with the PICC line in general.
There was no way this was going to work. I went to bed un-satisfied, un-resolved, almost depressed.
The next morning the panic had subsided. I made myself to busy work – preparing for our Christmas Eve ‘party’ at my house. The neighbor had asked Archie’s help with something…and he was preparing to go right around medicine time.
While Archie took a shower, I stared down the meds.
I dug down deep and called over Angel.
I started the process.
I cleaned the line, and started the saline…and then the meds.
I had done it.
With minimal sensation of nausea…I had administered her medication into the PICC line.
And through it all, Angel hadn’t freaked once.
Maybe…just maybe…there was a way…
*********
Tomorrow, a little bit more of the ugly…how the others are handling Angel’s doses of attention…how we’re handling the schedule (not always so good)…and so on…
by Sarah | Dec 15, 2010 | All About Me, Holidays
I have a really bad habit.
I believe I’m Super Woman. I can do EVERYTHING.
Then when it all fails, or life gets in the way (like I forget it has a tendency to do), I crash hard, hate myself a while and wallow in ick.
Two months ago I was ready.
For Christmas.
I’d started to pre-set everything for Christmas. Most of the shopping was done. I’d pre-made cookie (batter) so that baking wouldn’t take any time.
I was sooo good to go.
So I took on a few (dozen) extra projects.
Then life fell apart.
Everyone in the house got sick (including ME twice – and I don’t get sick), had disastrous doctor’s appointments, or decided to stop eating. Our car died. The eldest’s grades went from straight A’s to WTF? Chaos erupted and everything fell apart.
I was still determined to do it all.
Then this morning ONE.LAST.THING. happened. I snapped. Burst into tears on my poor Archie (who was just trying to leave for work and made the mistake of asking if I was okay). I realized I’m exhausted. I’ve been staying up until 3AM every day trying to get it done, and waking up at 5AM to continue getting it all done. It was too much.
So I’ve decided to focus on my family. The other stuff will work out and get done in time.
Now is supposed to be the time for peace. I don’t know what’s going to happen next week, so I’m going to get MY family’s stuff done this weekend…and if nothing comes out of the doctor appointments I will have lots of free time to relax and enjoy the holiday. If we end up with a hospital admission, everything is done and I have no need to panic.
One of these days I’ll learn to leave behind my Super Woman syndrome…I hope it’s sooner rather than later. I don’t want to feel like I have today again for a long time.
by Sarah | Dec 8, 2010 | All About Me
Except on days that end in Y.
Ugly. Stupid. Shut up. Jerk. (B)Witch. Lazy.
We never judge.
Except when it’s our ‘perfect’ sensibilities that have been offended.
We would NEVER assume.
Except when we are facing something we believe to be a slight against us.
****
In recent weeks I’ve begun to face a hard fact about myself.
I claim to be the one always looking on the bright side. Finding the silver lining.
In some ways that might be true.
But in many others, it’s not. In many other ways I’m ugly. I’m bitter. I’m thrusting grudges that should have been released years ago off on innocent bystanders. I’m assuming looks mean one thing when they might have meant something else.
I assume that someone is a (B)Witch that instantly disliked me and felt herself better. That I was once again ‘not good enough’ for the ‘cool’ crowd.
Only to realize months or years later that I may have inadvertently hurt that person without fully thinking about what I said before I prattled on needlessly about a ‘funny’ story that wasn’t so funny to them.
I’ve judged others around me, been nasty and snarky when it’s likely I didn’t know them at all.
After years of being so ‘good’ with my speech around my eldest (‘We never say shut up’, bad language was never used)…my daughters use phrases like “What the hell?” and “Dammit” frequently.
****
When did I get so ugly and jaded? Just because the past few years have been hard, difficult for us? Because we have so many struggles?
That doesn’t give me a right to turn a blind eye to others struggles. To ignore the fact that they have difficulty too. To assume based on my own painful past that others are judging me…when my assumption of their judgement is a judgement in itself.
***
I want to be better.
I need to be better for my girls.
I don’t want them to feel ugly like I do.
I want them to be more beautiful than I could ever be. They’ve already got a great head start on me…
****
A partial continuation of my I Am Real post. More coming soon, I hope.
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
