Dreams Change…

by | Sep 9, 2010 | All About Home, All About Me

When I was growing up I would dream of the perfect home.  The delusions of grandeur always led me to a Victorian/Queen Anne style of home.  I would pour over floor plans in magazines, imagining the ‘perfect’ house.

<<<–It always looked similar to this one. I would have a sewing room/library. A playroom for our children.  The house would be decorated in vintage furniture.  It would be in the middle of nowhere – but close enough to town that we wouldn’t be isolated.

I had everything planned out.

Perfection.

What dreams I had.

These days I look at a home like this and still wonder at it’s beauty…

But the realist in me snorts and says “But who’s going to clean it?  Not me.”

These days my dreams are different. Our house is meant as a starter home, not for a family of five. Yes, as my Mom and Aunt pointed out this weekend their family of five did it with 150sqft LESS than we have – but this is about my dream home…

I don’t want a lot of space. Just a room or two more than we have now.  Room for the kids to breath, the girls to have their own rooms, an office for the computers.

These days my dream home looks a lot more like this.–>>

Funny enough, it’s almost identical to the home I grew up in. A simple cape cod, a second story with the Master on the first and the kids upstairs.  I’d survive w/ one bathroom (we do anyhow, we never use our second), but would love two.

Enough room to breathe. To not trip over each other.

Where would this home be?

Well, right here of course.  In the exact same place our current house is.  This neighborhood and our neighbors are not anything I want to give up.  I love it here. I have my issues with Indiana (really, hoosier is NOT a real word, people…and my issues w/ the school district we’re in are documented)…but I love my neighborhood. My friends. Our property taxes cannot currently be beat (*knocks on wood*).

Why would I want to be anywhere else?

Just a simple home for our family.  That is the dream.

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This post was brought to you thanks to MamaKat’s prompts.  Head on over to check out some others!!
Mama's Losin' It

Bucket List – 45 before 45?

by | Sep 2, 2010 | 45 before 45, All About Me, Bucket List

By this point we all know what a bucket list is.  Many have made one, and I got to thinking this would be fun.  On that note, I’m not sure I can come up with 100 things to do before I die – plus that seems so (hopefully) far away at this point.  I thought I’d try to narrow it down to 45 things to do before I turn 45.  With a bit over 10 years before I hit that marker, I hope nothing is too ambitious!

45 X 45

  1. Take a real vacation. (Not to Buffalo, not w/ the kids)
  2. Take my kids to Disney World.
  3. See my name in print.
  4. Have a novel published.
  5. Get a degree (this is following up on a long ago promise made – I must keep it)
  6. Get back to my target weight.
  7. Take a photography class (or 2 or 3)
  8. Perform on stage again
  9. See Colorado
  10. Camp – really camp in the Rockies
  11. See Yellowstone
  12. Grow my own garden.
  13. Go to a blogger’s conference.
  14. Go to a writer’s conference
  15. Get on a regular exercise regime & stay on it for more than 3 months
  16. Take my dad to see a show on Broadway
  17. Make a complete Victorian era dress from skin out. (underthings complete, corset 50% complete)
  18. Help Archie find his birth mother.
  19. Read the Little House series aloud to my girls.
  20. Learn how to draw
  21. Get on a bike – and use it regularly
  22. Pay my house off (long shot – but I can dream)
  23. Get a car that is less than 2 years old
  24. Have my feet fixed so I can…
  25. Run a 5k (or in the mini here in Indy)
  26. See the butterflies at the Indy Zoo (I always seem to miss them)
  27. Be a reenactor at Conner Prairie
  28. Swim with dolphins
  29. Go on a hot air balloon ride
  30. Play the piano again (translation – GET one)
  31. Ride a horse – not a trail horse. A real ride on a horse.
  32. Volunteer at Angel’s CF clinic
  33. Stop drinking pop
  34. Make my house beautiful (landscaping, decorating inside, everything)
  35. Get a tattoo
  36. Go on an Alaskan Cruise
  37. Go on a wine tasting
  38. Go white water rafting
  39. Take my husband to swim with whale sharks
  40. Fly first class
  41. Read at least 50 of the 100 Greatest Novels
  42. Have a real spa day
  43. Visit a real haunted location
  44. Sell a photo
  45. Visit Salem, MA

That’s it for now.  I’ll cross things off as I get them done.  I’ll also be making a page for the list and adding to it as I think of things I’d like to do – for a full true bucket list!

30 Days of Truth – Day 3

by | Sep 1, 2010 | All About Me, Crap

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for

I’ve talked about this before.  It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted about it.  I still haven’t forgiven myself.

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes.  I never cared for the taste of them, but I would have spurts of smoking.  I’d smoke for a few months, quit for a year, or two.  Then go back.  Then quit.  All I would have to do was think, “I’m going to stop”…and I would.

Once I started drinking I’d smoke on the rare occasions that I drank (I do mean rare).

Being a social smoker – all it took was me working in food service to really get on the smoking bandwagon.  I was drinking more too.  I was 20. I had a great group of friends that I worked with. We all smoked.

Then I got pregnant with Brandon. Before I even knew I was pregnant I quit. Suddenly the taste was even more appealing and I was done. Then I found out I was pregnant and was relieved.

It happened the same way with Riley. Before I realized I was pregnant I was done.

With Angel – I didn’t have the same good fortune. I was once again working in the restaurant biz, hanging out with my coworkers in the smoking section.  Riley was so young, so very very young, when I got the job. I was working nights. I had a newborn and I was stressed and the call of social smoking pulled me in.

I had no idea when I started smoking again that I was pregnant.

I had no idea for five and 1/2 months that I was pregnant.

I know – I have to forgive myself. After all, I DIDN’T KNOW.  But even now, with my smiling young angel, my happy, crazy, beautiful little baby here…running and playing and doing everything the other kids do.  Even now there is guilt that eats at me.

I have to forgive myself.

But what if I am the reason?  What if my smoking deprived her of enough oxygen to cause her hypotonia?

I still blame myself.

Finding forgiveness is not always easy.

Not when it’s your baby that’s hurting.

Not when you think it’s all your fault, and the forgiveness is for yourself.

30 Days of Truth – Day 2

by | Aug 30, 2010 | All About Me

Day 02 – Something you love about yourself

On the surface, this should be so much easier to write. In fact, it’s the opposite. As a person that’s normally very hard on myself, it’s more difficult to find something to love.  That, and I always feel like I sound so vain when I try to talk myself up! But, this is all about truth.

I love my intelligence.

I don’t claim to know everything, or something about everything. I do know a lot about some things, and a little about others.

I love that I love to learn and that I firmly believe knowledge is power. The worst part about any situation I get into is the unknown.  Until I have facts, until I can research I feel like I flounder around.

I miss being in school.  Not because of the people – socially I was inept, still am in many ways.  No, I miss going to school for learning. Getting assigned things that I HAD to learn about. To give my mind the challenge of learning something new. Homework. Tests. Grades.

Yes, I’m strange. I’m a geek, a nerd, a bookworm.  But I own it. I love it.

I love knowing that when Brandon comes to me with a question about his homework (or I should say IF he ever did…kid’s as smart as I ever was)…I’d likely know the answer – or how to help him find it.

I love that I love to read. To write. To do problems (word, math…just not physics, they were sooo annoying).

Knowledge is power.

My intelligence gives me power and strength. To get through every day. To redefine this idea of perfection.

30 Days of Truth – Day 1

by | Aug 27, 2010 | All About Me

This “30 Days of Truth” is making the rounds of the blogosphere.  I saw it over at Garibay Soup first (which is now the beautiful Enchanting Havoc).  I thought it sounded like a neat idea, and a way to examine myself and fill the days when I do not have any posts.  Especially since lately it seems like my life is totally swamped.

I will not be doing the 30 days in succession.  I’ll be putting it in between regular posts and my 365 project which I have finally actually been actively doing (I wanted to wait until I’d done several weeks successively before I started posting).

If you want to take part in this 30 days project (which is my first of several, I found others to do as well) – head on over HERE to find a list of all 30 days.  Some look easier than others, but I’m doing them in order!!  So without further ado…

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Day 01 – Something you hate about yourself

“Hate” is such a strong word, but still I can think of a few things to add to the list.  The thing I hate most is my lack of will-power/ability to follow through.

I’m the person with a ton of ideas.  Projects, crafts, decorating, personal and kids.

I want to better myself – I’m going to start exercising.
I want to better my house – look at these ideas & projects I have in mind.
I want to make these things – look at my pile of supplies in my craft cabinet.
I am so very angry/hurt, I’m going to tell this person exactly how I feel – oh look at my yellow-belly. The chicken-shit runs away from confrontation again.

Unfinished tasks and projects litter my house.  My tummy is still I-had-3-kids-2-in-rapid-succession-loose.  My excuses are vast and varied.  Money, time, I got sick.  My first attempt at prject 365 ended at #7. College was an unfinished joke.

The only thing I’ve seen through is my writing (1 book written, 1 series 2/3 done)…and my marriage (a very important seeing-it-through thing, admittedly).

I hate that part of myself.  The one that doesn’t finish what I start.  That sees everything through to the end.  That doesn’t give up because of fear, failure, or just plain laziness.

Every year I resolve to change and get better.  And every year it comes back and laughs in my face, leaving me back to hating it again and not sure how to rid myself of it forever.