by Sarah | Aug 7, 2009 | All About Erik, All About Molly, Fatherhood Fridays
No, really, they don’t. I don’t personally know any real men, but, I digress.
This is the story of how I found myself – finally – at the birth of my oldest daughter.
My early life was fraught with failures and disappointments. I never gained self esteem. As early as 1st grade I have memories of not liking myself, although I have a feeling that it was always there. I suffered from crushing depressive episodes and anxiety coupled with OCD tendencies (read: anal-retentive). I was an adopted child and although my family was always loving and caring, I felt empty, like something was missing.
And it hurt.
People mostly stayed away from me, I think they saw the storm clouds over my head. As a teen and a young adult, well….less said about that, the better. I discovered the joys of alcohol during these years, and to say I even wouldn’t like myself is redundant because we’ve already established my self image/esteem problems.
I tried a lot of different things to fill the void, but nothing worked. Broken relationships and marriages, ruining friendships, alienating family, etc. I was always hopeful in the back of mind that I could find peace someday, even though externally I wasn’t positive about it.
Cut to 2004. My marriage was doing well, we had our bumps but who doesn’t? We had halfheartedly tried to have a child, but nothing happened. We were content with our small family. I might have been a bit uneasy, but I was learning to live with certain things. In September of that year, my wife had not been feeling….right. She tried a pregnancy test on a whim. Surprisingly, it came up positive. We were going to have a baby!
I felt that I was ready, but still nervous. My mind raced with the thought of being a father..
Was I ready? Would my child like me? Who would they look like? How am I gonna afford to pay for this? It was a long wait for the baby to arrive.
I was in for the whole delivery scenario, but it made me extremely anxious. Finally, the baby came. After the nurses cleaned her up a bit, I got to hold her. She was tiny. She was red and wrinkly. She was crying non-stop. She was beautiful. I thought it warm in the room and I was sweating. I wasn’t sweating, I was crying.
My wife and I had gone through the whole name thing, and we wanted something that fit with our last name, flow so to speak. I came up with the one that stuck, and it felt right. She was my pride and joy, and I had never been happier in my whole life. Finally, someone who shared flesh and blood with me. I was still uncertain at times, but it was becoming easier for me to be natural instead of forced. She slept either in the crook of my arm, or on my chest. I got her first smiles. I gradually began to realize that my emptiness was slipping away, replaced by the sweet little girl that actually was starting to resemble me.
Life was never better.
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Archie is my husband, father to my children, and as you can see a very caring one at that. He’ll be making a few guests posts – and this is just the first in the series. He’ll talk more about the “first blood relation” feeling, what it was like for him as we gradually realized something wasn’t ‘right’ with our baby girl. All from his point of view. You’ve heard mine often, I thought it would be nice to hear his as well. The posts will be probably once a week – so long as he keep them coming and you show him some love…so please comment for Archie – he’d love to hear your thoughts – and it will help bring him back!!
by Sarah | Jul 14, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly, Crap
You know those sneaky roller coaster rides where you climb and climb every so slowly to the top and just as you crest, ready for the exhileration of the drop – it’s just a little bump? You have to wait another interminable second before the rush of the real drop? I’m stuck on a series of little bumps…waiting for the rush of the drop…
Every step forward with potty training is met with steps backward.
I’ve tried defending their actions, explaining them away…but I’m down to the last hair on my head, pulling each one out in frustration.
I can’t call them ‘accidents’ I know that they know what they’re doing…but do they? Despite the fact that they know where the potty is, how to go, they are no longer afraid of it…and have even used public toilets…they have yet to initiate a potty run.
I take that back – Angel did it ONCE, on father’s day.
I’m tired of washing sheets every day because they keep wetting the bed. I’m tired of asking them if they have to go and gettig a flat out ‘no’ – only to have them peeing on the ground two minutes later.
Is it a sensory issue? Or just stubborness? Or are they just not ready, despite being 3&4?!?
I don’t want to return to diapers…I don’t want that cost…but I don’t know how much more I can handle.
***
My apologies for the potty-roller coaster analogy…and for a post about potty-training…I’m just super frustrated right now.
by Sarah | Jul 9, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly
Tuesday I got the call. The last specialist on the list. Specialist #8 for Angel (that’s not including her therapists…this is just doctor specialists we’re talking about). Specialist #2 (I believe) for Riley. We asked the pediatrician to make a referral to the Developmental Pediatrician. The orthopaedist suggested it for Angel way back in January given her case history. After researching exactly what a DevPed does, we also asked for Riley as well – because of her autism and reaction to school last time (advice really).
As horrible as it sounds, it was very validating to hear what the nurse had to say about the doctor’s response to the girls’ cases.
1. After reviewing the case files the doctor feels that their cases are complex and wants to see each of the girls on a one-on-one basis – meaning no double appointment with their sister. She wants to get to know them each individually for at least the first appointment.
2. She wants them in ASAP. We’ve been scheduled for the first appointments available (November) but placed on the wait list so that we get the first available appointment. This is by the doctor’s request, not ours!
So it’s all said and done with…except the appointments themselves. Archie will go with Riley. I will go with Angel.
Hints of hope are creeping in again, but I’m trying to keep them squelched. One step at a time and right now I have a long way to go until November…
by Sarah | Jun 9, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly
Nowhere.
Up until now bribery has had no effect in our massive attempst to potty train. They are not interested. Well, they ARE interested in the prize. Riley asks me at least once a week about the tinkerbell hats.
But they aren’t interested in what it takes to GET those hats.
Today I threw in the towel.
I know they’re old enough.
I know that THEY know EXACTLY what they’re doing – they are just being stubborn.
I refuse to put diapers on them. I’m done.
I’m going to be doing a LOT more laundry during this battle of wills.
I’m hoping that treating them like big girls will make them act as such.
Either that or I’ll end up in the funny farm.
Excuse me while I go have an aneurysm.
by Sarah | May 8, 2009 | All About Molly, Autism
When Riley was very young she had a wonderful tendency toward needing to be held constantly. If you were holding her she was so content. She smiled brightly for you and coo’d…but only in your arms. If you tried to lay her down it was all over.
Then at four months old when the horrors of GERD (reflux) reared their heads we started to lose that spark. Our little sweet pea withdrew into a shell of near constant pain and shrieking. The smiles lessened, the coos faded…and by the time the GERD was treated and peace was restored, it was like we’d lost that spark that had lit from within her beautiful blue eyes.
Over time she grew and changed, but she was always withdrawn. Removed from the present. In her own world. At times it concerned us, terrified us…but we learned to accept it and cope with it.
Brief moments of sunshine and brilliance would break through the crowds. Her brilliance at puzzles when she was a year. Her love of the Backyardigans. Her quick learning of letters and numbers. She astonished us.
She worried us.
The autism diagnosis confirmed our fears, and brought new ones. But all along, we knew that the sunshine was in there. We knew that she had parents that understood as best as they could. A dad that had grown up with similar issues and fears – and we’d make sure she knew that we would always try our best to understand and accept.
Lately – Riley has been letting out more and more of that sunshine. Her closed off and withdrawn nature has been becoming more of a side part of her nature. In its place is a bright, sunny girl that is just brimming with personality.
When she gets mad or wounded or upset she still pulls back…and we accept them as part of who she is and help her learn to cope with them.
But when she is not mad…she laughs and giggles. She bosses her sister around. She bosses me around, the dog, her brother…her Daddy…anyone within hearing range.
She asks questions and gives answers. She has learned the art of conversation – and while not always witty – it is always sparkling with her smile and bright blue eyes.
Does she talk as much as a normal 4 year old? No…we haven’t reached that level yet – but she’s so much more than she was a year ago.Â
She’s amazing. She’s brilliant. She’s adorable. She’s my princess.
And I’m so thrilled to see the sunshine again.
by Sarah | Apr 28, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly
I’ve been missing the Weekly Winners posts. I love my laptop, but I can’t edit pictures on it and rarely get on the desktop so…well, I’m lazy. But, I’ve got some pictures for you from the girls birthday and then from last weekend when we all hung out outside enjoying the gorgeous weather! I’m missing it desperately today with the drizzly yuck…
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No, really, they don’t. I don’t personally know any real men, but, I digress.
