by Sarah | Jan 30, 2009 | All About Kennedy
But the situation called for it.Â
I cut Angel’s hair. Yes, I did it myself…and no, I don’t think it looks horrible. There’s a few uneven portions, but that’s what happens when you have a 2.75 year old that has NEVER sat still, not even to feed. So, anyway…
When I had girls I imagined I would never, EVER cut their hair. I would let it grow and grow and it would be long and beautiful and I would style it and life would be joyful. I never imagined I’d end up with this:
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A ratty, tangly mess that is a pain to brush out. It used to be beautiful curls and then she started going nuts when she slept on her back and the curls became dreds. Now that she’s almost three it’s just dried out, ragged, and horribly tangled.  It’s also thinning, and unstylable, and hangs in her face constantly – with no ability to pull it back (too thin).
So, after much internal struggle I finally accepted the inevitable and pulled out the scissors. In the end she looks like this (ignore the red marks – she’s been tearing apart her nose and has severely chapped lips) –
[singlepic id=29 w=320 h=240 float=center][singlepic id=30 w=320 h=240 float=center]
I’m pleased enough with it. I may have to fine tune it later on tonight…but at least it’s out of her face (I gave her bangs, oy) and it’s holding hints of her curl again.
by Sarah | Jan 27, 2009 | All About Family, All About Me
For the past three and a half years since Riley’s first sign of illness I’ve been so many things. I’ve been an advocate, a medical researcher, a therapist, a teacher, a student, a fierce tiger fighting for answers, an emotional wreck wondering what was wrong and not feeling strong enough to handle it…
But those moments…those fleeting moments…of just being…MOM. They’ve been there, but so few and far between everything else that has been happening. Today something switched. I don’t know if it was my decision (more on that forthcoming in later posts)…or just an emotional release for me…or just one of those days…but tonight. For about 3 hours…that’s all I was.Â
I was washing dishes and for the first time in years the baby gates are down (have been for 3 days!!) – and the girls are excited to have access to the kitchen. I turned around from washing dishes to see they’ve done this:
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They dragged in books and plopped themselves down at the table. Carrying on a little conversation with each other they read their books and told each other about them. They seemed so grown up…and I just grabbed my camera and started snapping. It was such a great, peaceful moment. I only wish Daddy had been home to see it (he’s got work stuff tonight and tomorrow 🙁 ).Â
For a few hours I was just a mom, and a little bit of a teacher because after the dishes were done the girls and I sat down to go over flash cards to start rebuilding Riley’s knowledge again – and work on Angel’s. Then I went over Brandon’s homework with him and asked him to do some side work for me…and I manged to finish the dishes, half the laundry and getting our new storage pieces put up and partially filled.
I think I’ll like just being a Mom and what goes with standard teaching. Maybe I need the break from ‘school’ and therapy as much as I think the girls do.
by Sarah | Jan 26, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly
Just in case you haven’t already, please
help me choose what pictures to enter in a local contest!
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It seems like ages ago…but just six months ago I was all gung-ho excited to be shipping off two girls for school. I’d have FOUR hours a week all to myself! Oh, what joy…what bliss…
So why am I now making plans to take both girls out of preschool?
Yes. You heard that right. After years of fighting for Riley’s therapy’s to continue despite her progress…and years of fighting for answers with Angel…I’m pulling them out of the programs that give them thoses therapies.
Why would I do something so drastic? Am I really calling an end to this?
My reasons are numerous, and Riley holds many of those reasons – because she’s the one in public school, and Angel is the one still in the prviate (i.e. costly) school.
The first reason, and a big concern to us, is that in the past six months Riley has gone from a sweet, occasionally stubborn and rude, little girl…into a holy terror. Not to us (okay, sometimes) – but to Angel. Angel looks like she’s been in a UFC fight. Riley corners her and kicks her mercilessly, she stands on her, she just beats the tar out of Angel. It’s gotten to the point that we’re deeply concerned. She did not pick up these ideas around here.
The second reason hit me on Friday, and it was one heck of a shocker.
Riley has LOST learning. Before she started school I worked with her myself and we had the alphabet down pat. Numbers, not a problem. Could she sing her abc’s? No…but she could recognize any letters you showed her. The regular testing of this came at the pediatricians office where there is a big alphabet rug in the waiting room. Our regular waiting room game is to find the letters.
She couldn’t find the P. It was the first letter we tried. She couldn’t find it. I told her what color square it was one and she found the color…but couldn’t find the letter.
It was a shock to the system. And after a weekend of talking we’ve decided to bring them home and try to have me work with them again. I will look into another state funded preschool that’s available…but for now they will stay home.
In the next couple of weeks I’ll make contact with the school and see what I need to do to withdraw Riley. From there…we’ll take it one day at a time.
Guess I really need to get working on keeping up with my personal changes, because my days are aobut to get a lot more full.
by Sarah | Jan 22, 2009 | All About Denver
“But it’s not actually pee…”
Those were the words that greeted me from my soon-to-be-eleven-year-olds mouth yesterday after school. It didn’t end there. He told me what it actually was – and about some of the questions that were asked.
Ah the joys of puberty movies. I really wish he’d waited until his Dad got home for such a proclomation. Thank goodness I was cleaning, because I’m sure my face was bright red.
Oy. I’m not ready for puberty…but the appearance of zits and the first signs of pit hair tell me that I haven’t got any choice.
I need strength…because I’m really ,really not ready for this…not with a boy. Even with Archie around I’m still going to get some of it…oy.
by Sarah | Jan 21, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Me, Crap, Hypotonia
Which is really hypocritical of me because I constantly give Archie grief for blaming himself. It isn’t his fault…and it isn’t my fault…and our brains know this…but our hearts bleed.Â
His heart bleeds because Brandon was the ‘perfect’ child. He was never really sick (a minor bowel issue until 3yo, but otherwise) – Brandon is neurotypical. ARchie is not biologically his father. Our two special needs children are his biological children. He draws the line of coincidence and though his head tells him that it isn’t his fault…his heart aches and bleeds thinking it was somehow his fault – his genes that did it.
For me, it’s an old vice. One that still haunts me…and one that I abused when I was pregnant…not with Brandon, and not with Riley…but with Angel…
I smoked until I was five and a half months pregnant with her. In my (very weak) defense I hadn’t the foggiest idea I WAS pregnant (seriously I REALLY had no idea…both me and my OB were shocked)…but I was, and I did.Â
I had my first cigarette at 11. At 16 I really started smoking – and started hard with reds. I smoked off an on for years. I’ve always had a knack of just deciding one day that I’d quit and that would be it – for months and years at a time. When I started drinking (at 18), I’d almost always have at least one cigarette when I drank – which worked since it was only once every few months. But I was a horrible social smoker…when others smoked, I joined. Working in food service – a LOT of food service workers smoke…so when I started waitressing after Riley was born, I started smoking – like a frickin’ chimney.Â
Truth be told, with all three of my kids I smoked right up until the day I found out I was pregnant. Brandon I stopped as soon as I saw the test – and never looked back, in fact they made me sick. With Riley, I quit before I knew I was pregnant…they just made me nuts, so did alcohol (not that I was ever addicted to that).Â
But when I got pregnant with Angel, I had no idea I was pregnant. I was using three forms of birth control (four if you count the new-parent exhaustion-created near-abstinence). I was working at Bob Evans (yum) and smoking like a chimney with my friends and coworkers.Â
I’ve always felt guilt about it – but pushed it aside as best as I could.Â
But when I hear the doctors say “Something happened neurologically while she was in utero. Something minor, but enough to cause this…” As they have since we first started looking for reasons for her left-sided weakness. Every time I hear “neurological event” and “in utero” – I blame myself.Â
And my heart bleeds.Â
And bleeds…
And tonight…my heart bleeds…and again I blame myself…
by Sarah | Jan 16, 2009 | All About Kennedy, Crap
The door is locked, the answers behind. The locks tease me by being on my side, but I have no keys for the padlocks, no crowbar to pull away the boards.
Peace is on the other side.
Answers.
I’m begining to think I will never find the keys. I will never see the other side of the door. Nobody has answers – everyone declares her unique. The one and only ‘answer’ we have is not cut and dried – it is confusing and unsure.
One more chance for a key has presented itself – but I hesitate. Should I take the gamble only to end up feeling hopeless and hollow again? On the small chance that this doctor may have that key? I don’t know that I have the energy, or faith in the doctors any longer. They have no more answers than I – and I have something they don’t…I’m her Mom.
