by Sarah | May 10, 2019 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced in recent weeks with us moving is my dad being ill.
To be fair, it was his encouragement to not wait that helped us move up our original timeline, but still…
Add to that the fact that my mother and I had made steps to heal our fractured relationship, and it’s been a tug-of-war on my heart.
Then one day the call I’d dreaded came, or so I thought.
My mom called from the hospital.
My head and heart spun with the possibilities of what on earth could have happened to dad…
But it wasn’t him.
It was HER.
The “healthy” one of the two. She has some ailments, to be sure…but my dad is the one that’s truly ailing.
So when your healthy parent goes in to the ER with chest pains, and has to follow it up with a heart cath.
Everything goes upside on you.
Then you have two parents to take care of.
The “healthy” one isn’t as healthy as you thought.
Who do you check on first? Who do you keep an eye on, and who watches who?
One’s issues are expected, almost commonplace now – but now new panic and worries arise.
And you have to struggle with how to deal with all of that – especially with a parent that doesn’t like to be a bother.
Than, you get the call that you have a job and you’re moving in a month.
While I know they’ve got plenty of help here what with my brother and aunt living close by…it’s still rough to have gotten this job and be moving so quickly after this sort of chaos.
In so many ways I’m still struggling to make sense of my dad’s illness – and I’ve known about it for almost 15 years.
It’s hard to think that I’ll be so far away. That I’ll need to keep an emergency flight fund on hand at all times…and now not just for him, but for mom too because we still don’t know what happened or why she ended up in the ER (the heart cath came up clean, thank goodness).
It’s put a damper on our course.
It’s added anxiety to a relationship that was just starting to mend.
I feel a strong sense of guilt leaving…even though I know this is the right path for us.
I suppose now, more than ever, I’m feeling what my mom felt almost 30 years ago when she had to pack up her family and leave Buffalo to move out here to Hickville.
I knew I was leaving one sick parent…now I worry about them both.
I always thought Mom could survive on pure stubbornness alone.
Apparently not even she’s that good.
by Sarah | Mar 8, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Parkinsons, Redefining Perfect, Special Needs, Story of Me
Once upon a time, there was a young woman whose family moved her halfway across the country. For years after they traversed the familiar path back “home” for visits with family and old friends. Along that familiar path, many traditions were formed. The start of every road trip with a Journey album. The swapping of control of the radio. The games of License plate and alphabet.
Then there was the Tale of the Tuttles of Tuttle Crossing. Tonya, Tina, Tasha, Tony, Tom, Travis, and the like. All started the day father and daughter spotted Tasha on her horse Tennesee Tuxedo.
Years passed, the trips slowed, and faded into occasional jaunts. The young woman and her family made several moves around the country before all managed to find their way back to that podunk town and settle in. The trips had since all but stopped except for funerals. The daughter married and moved out.
Then the father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
Parkinson’s does much more than rob a persons muscle control.
It robs them of their brain little by little.
It robs them of themself.
It’s ugly.
Nasty.
Hateful.
**
Several years ago I realized that the man I’ve loved my whole life was no longer really my dad.
Hallucinations and dementia caused by Parkinson’s had taken the control freak of a father I grew up with (seriously, every minute of vacation was planned)…and turned him impulsive and…it’s hard to describe unless you’ve lived it, which I’m sure many of you have.
It’s just not the same person.
Then, one day a few months ago I spotted a familiar name among the hundreds of names I see every week at work.
Tuttle.
It sparked a smile in me, and I impulsively texted my dad to tell him I had just seen a Tuttle.
This triggered a back and forth texting frenzy of sorts speaking once again of Tasha, Tonya, their Grandfather Theodore, and Uncle Titus…and “let’s not forget their Native American descendant Tonto Tuttle…”
I laughed, I cried.
For five minutes of rapid-fire text exchanging I had my dad back. Our joking and laughing on those 9 hour road trips. Our anticipation of reaching “Tuttle Crossing” in Ohio every single time. For the joke that never got old.
I laughed…and I cried…
For a moment…he was there.
Recently, he forgot my sons name.
His golden boy, his favorite grandson, his first grandson whom he himself named.
Now I live for those moments.
Even if I have to go back in time to find them. I will. For as long as I can.
by Sarah | Jul 24, 2015 | All About Molly, All of Us, Autism, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Redefining Perfect, Special Needs
Molly had a stellar year at school this year. Top notch, best on record.
Her grades were through the roof awesome, she jumped ahead in math and managed to get an angle on language arts and push forward.
Life was pretty good.
Then, came the end of that.
Fresh off the bus on the last day of school the first thing she said was, “I want to go back to school.”
See, Molly doesn’t handle change well at all.
She doesn’t handle the loss of a routine well.
So despite the leaps and bounds made during the school year, we have had a very difficult summer.
Molly is struggling.
Not sleeping on several occasions (like, at all).
Behavioral issues, despite taking her medicine nearly every day.
Anger, silence, uncontrollable laughing.
Enough to concern us.
And enough to make us look forward to the start of school in a few weeks.
I hate seeing her struggle and not knowing what to do for her.
I can only hope that the return to a routine and school, where she loves to be, will bring her back into focus.
Now if I could just get over the fact that she’s going into middle school….
by Sarah | Jul 17, 2015 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Redefining Perfect
When I was growing up I wanted nothing more than to be older.
I wished away every year, wanting to be a little older so I could do one thing or another.
So I could stop being a baby.
Nowadays time is flying by way too fast. I blink and half a year is gone. I take a nap and it’s been almost a year since we went to Disney.
I take a deep breath and my baby boy is not just a teenager, but an Eagle Scout destined to graduate in just a heartbeat.
Because a heartbeat is all it’s going to take.
A heartbeat and the girls are teens.
A heartbeat more and they are grown.
I want to put a pin in so many moments.
Hold onto them tight and let them pass slower.
Meanwhile my girls are wishing their lives away as I once did.
“I can’t wait for school to start” – just days after the last day of school.
“I can’t wait until I can drive.”
“I wish I was seventeen.”
“I wish…”
“I wish…”
I wish it would stop.
For just a few minutes.
To let me breathe it in.
To make this one heartbeat last a few minutes longer.
Or a lifetime.
by Sarah | Jul 10, 2015 | All About Kennedy, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Redefining Perfect
On a regular basis, Kennedy asks to brush my hair. I’m always happy to let her, of course. Having my hair brushed is one of the most relaxing things – ever.
On one of these occasions, Erik & I were chatting. I can’t remember the exact subject matter, just that it was a quiet conversation about everyday things.
In the course of the conversation I replied with, “Well, I used to be good, anyway.”
Kennedy, in all seriousness, leaned forward. She patted my head gently, and looked me dead in the eye. “That’s because you’re getting old.”
Needless to say, my husband (9 years my senior, thank you) busted out in laughter on the couch, and Kennedy ended up the target of the tickle monster.
Kids.
Oy.
One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced in recent weeks with us moving is my dad being ill.
