by Sarah | Oct 8, 2019 | All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
Raising kids today is hard.
Not saying that raising us was any easier. Every generation had their own woes, I suppose…but I am digressing.
Raising kids today is hard.
They have so much to deal with that we didn’t. I mean, sure they’ve got opportunities and things that we never did, but they have a lot to deal with…including a big scary world that isn’t as understanding of all of the changes in the world and people around us.
You see it everywhere these days. Not to get political, but the climate is HOSTILE. I can get panic attacks just going on Facebook some days.
My biggest thing in raising my kids is I want to be their safe place to land.
I want them to be happy.
If they want to tell me they decided they don’t want to go to college, okay fine. Or they do want to go to college. Great.
My big thing has always been – I want them happy. They can chase that dream wherever they want to let it take them.
I’ve expressed this to them over and over.
But as they get older the situations get more complex.
More grown up.
Less, “Okay, if you don’t like Clawdeen any longer, that’s fine. She’s still my favorite character.”
More, “I don’t care what your sexual orientation or gender, I will love and support you.”
It’s been a weird switch for me, as my ‘talk’ was a very uncomfortable and embarrassing affair. I don’t want to repeat that with my kids.
So, when one of them came to me and said, “Hey mom, Kendra* said she’s pansexual. She’s kind of afraid to tell her parents.” I didn’t even have to school my reaction, but I did have to ask, “Do you know what that means?”
Which led to a big discussion over Pan/Trans/Bi/etc. A discussion that I didn’t mind having, and had actually very recently had at work because we had a non-binary patient and the nurse “didn’t get it.”
My girls and I had a long talk that day, very casual and comfortable about all of the terms, what they meant, what they comfortably understood. I had to tell my girls that I totally understood why Kendra didn’t want to tell her parents yet – I knew them and I knew it would be a struggle for them to understand and accept. That she could let her know she was always welcome at our home, and that I knew who in her family would also be accepting in the worst case scenario.
Out of all of it I hope that they understood that I truly only want them to be happy, comfortable, and safe.
I hope that they know I will always be a safe place to land. That I never want them to have to feel the need to keep anything like that from me.
We’re working on having an open, comfortable communication on the subject. They’re still teenagers, they still have their pushback…but in the end, as long as they know we’re good no matter what the challenge, then I feel better.
Raising kids is hard.
Raising smart, intelligent, kind adults is the right thing to do. That’s my goal here. To see them happy, and comfortable in this ever changing world.
*Name changed to protect the child, who has still not come out to her parents. It’s a big step and I wish her the best.
by Sarah | May 10, 2019 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
One of the biggest struggles I’ve faced in recent weeks with us moving is my dad being ill.
To be fair, it was his encouragement to not wait that helped us move up our original timeline, but still…
Add to that the fact that my mother and I had made steps to heal our fractured relationship, and it’s been a tug-of-war on my heart.
Then one day the call I’d dreaded came, or so I thought.
My mom called from the hospital.
My head and heart spun with the possibilities of what on earth could have happened to dad…
But it wasn’t him.
It was HER.
The “healthy” one of the two. She has some ailments, to be sure…but my dad is the one that’s truly ailing.
So when your healthy parent goes in to the ER with chest pains, and has to follow it up with a heart cath.
Everything goes upside on you.
Then you have two parents to take care of.
The “healthy” one isn’t as healthy as you thought.
Who do you check on first? Who do you keep an eye on, and who watches who?
One’s issues are expected, almost commonplace now – but now new panic and worries arise.
And you have to struggle with how to deal with all of that – especially with a parent that doesn’t like to be a bother.
Than, you get the call that you have a job and you’re moving in a month.
While I know they’ve got plenty of help here what with my brother and aunt living close by…it’s still rough to have gotten this job and be moving so quickly after this sort of chaos.
In so many ways I’m still struggling to make sense of my dad’s illness – and I’ve known about it for almost 15 years.
It’s hard to think that I’ll be so far away. That I’ll need to keep an emergency flight fund on hand at all times…and now not just for him, but for mom too because we still don’t know what happened or why she ended up in the ER (the heart cath came up clean, thank goodness).
It’s put a damper on our course.
It’s added anxiety to a relationship that was just starting to mend.
I feel a strong sense of guilt leaving…even though I know this is the right path for us.
I suppose now, more than ever, I’m feeling what my mom felt almost 30 years ago when she had to pack up her family and leave Buffalo to move out here to Hickville.
I knew I was leaving one sick parent…now I worry about them both.
I always thought Mom could survive on pure stubbornness alone.
Apparently not even she’s that good.
by Sarah | Apr 12, 2019 | 50 before 50, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Bucket List, Gratitude, Oola, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
I have this friend that every time we talk, something profound comes out of it. Even if I tackle her with an inane conversation, or I just message to give her a boost or vice versa. Maybe it’s that she’s a shaman, or maybe it’s that sometimes I need to chatter my face off to find a message sometimes, who knows?
Over the course of several months she’d been having a rough time. Between living in the middle of a desert, the government shutdown affecting them, and missing Christmas, she was…stressed.
However, for the same amount of months she’d been talking about the biggest message she’d been receiving in all of her studies, card readings, spirit messages…it was always SURRENDER.
We were discussing the difficulties she was having, the tension she felt, everything all in a nutshell. I was letting her vent, really….when I made the offhand comment:
It’s hard to surrender when you’re holding your breath.
We both kind of stopped right there. It was a big “Whoa” moment for us as we read and re-read the words I’d just typed.
Apparently as much as she needed to hear them, I did as well…because I realized that I’d been doing the same thing, for MONTHS. With the hope and anticipation and this sense of NEEDING to go home to Florida, I’d built up so many levels of tension in all of it. Some days I couldn’t breathe for all of it.
BREATHE.
Do you know how important it is to breathe? Not just for the fact that it keeps you alive…I’m not talking about that breath, really. I’m talking about holding our soul’s breath.
Waiting…
Anticipation…
Fear…
Doubt…
Excitement…
It holds our souls captive. It locks them in a cage and hides them away from what could well be the next miracle around the corner.
BREATHE.
Right now.
Stop. Whatever it is you’re doing, stop.
Release the tension you’re carrying in your shoulders, your jaw, your neck, your heart.
Breathe out long and slow in release.
Explore what’s causing that tension.
Where are you going? What are you doing? What’s the biggest anxiety in your brain?
Surrender it.
Turn it over to whatever God, Goddess, Nothingness you wish. Give it over to the universe.
Nope. It’s not easy.
It’ll come back to haunt you. To put those knots back in your shoulders.
BREATHE.
To hold your brain hostage.
BREATHE.
To nag at your sense of peace.
BREATHE.
But when it does, you have a weapon.
You let it go.
You breathe.
You release.
You surrender.
Stop holding your breath.
by Sarah | Mar 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
*~*
A few weeks ago I posted about my ability to hold a grudge.
One phrase has stuck in my head since I wrote that surprisingly cathartic post:
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
In my attempts to get into that Oola state, I was more focused on “this is toxic, cut it out” than HOW I was taking action. By writing it down, my brain latched onto it in a way I didn’t expect.
Then something wonderous happened.
I filled a few grudges with helium.
Initially I likened it to an epiphany…but I don’t think it was. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was that phrase working its way through my mind. Helping me to process some of the feelings I’d been holding onto so tight.
I realized that I’d chopped at that toxic relationship and received nothing in return. Nobody bothered to miss me…
But then…I never thought about if my actions…or inaction, as it were…might have hurt them just as much.
I saw only my side. My pain. My anger. My suffering.
I caught glimpses of happiness in their life and I was bitter that my departure had no effect on that happiness.
The moment I saw what I’d done, how I’d acted and reacted, that grudge expanded with helium. It went from being a dense boulder to a much lighter load.
I’m not saying it’s gone, floated away in the breeze.
It’s still there, but it’s bobbing along with me as I work my way through the rest of my feelings with less pain and anger.
I’m able to say “I miss you” without any malice or bitterness.
I can mean the words.
I can truly miss someone, and not want to re-enter the relationship.
In some cases, maybe I do want to build on the relationship again. In some cases, I have.
I don’t have to.
And that is oddly freeing to know.
I’m feeling much lighter now with fewer boulders, and more balloons.
One day I know a few of them will float away completely. I may not even realize they’ve gone until they’re well out of sight.
And that is just fine.
Because I’ve gone from a brutal axing, to a departure of love.
by Sarah | Jan 28, 2019 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pour Your Heart Out, Random, Redefining Perfect
We all know the phrase. We use it all the time when we have little ones, “It takes a village to raise a child.”
I think it goes farther than that – It takes a village…period.
We ALL need a village…or a tribe…we need people.
We need each other.
So why do we resist our village when they rise to help us?
I have a friend, a good friend, who has come to mean a lot to me in the past couple of years. Six months ago they moved many miles so her husband could take a very exciting job that suited him perfectly. After years of being self-employed, they would have regular checks coming in…and he would be doing a job that was pretty darn amazing.
He is now one of the hundreds of thousands of workers furloughed because of the shutdown over the asinine wall.
We’ve had a lot of talks over the past month as she’s grappled with the existence. I made a comment to her that she should put it out there to ask for help from those she’s helped and taught. She’s resisted, and resisted, stating they’re okay right now.
When I went to send her money for an item I’d purchased, I sent her extra.
“What did you do?” Was her response, “You’re saving for Florida!” I reassured her we’d talked about it and were fine with our decision…and she relented and we continued our discussion…and it struck me hard.
It’s long been proven in so many studies and just general truth…we are STRONGER in a community. When we rely on each other.
So why do resist?
We often are afraid to ask, or we feel like a failure or inadequate, so we are too embarrassed to ask.
It also doesn’t help that in today’s society we are full of Judgy McJudgersons ready to tell us how we should have been prepared, we should have done this, or done that…who are super eager to sit behind the anonymity of their computer screens and tell us why you should do it YOURSELF…
But you can’t. Not always.
Friendship is about love and caring and support.
The next time you see someone you know struggling…
Be their village. Not their judge and jury.
Be their village.
They’re going to resist. So stick with something small. A silly card, something you know they’ve wanted off the wall, or just sitting with them and letting them vent without commisserating (i.e. telling them your story of woe to match).
Remember, in a village, it’s not always about YOU. Sometimes it’s about them.
Be their village.
Because one day, you’re gonna need them to be yours.
by Sarah | Jul 9, 2014 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
My relationship with my family has had its ups and downs. In the most recent years its been strained, to say the least.
Two years ago(ish), I cut off all contact with my brother.
All of it.
No holidays. No visits. No phone calls.
I was done.
No nephew time (and I adore my nephews).
No sis-in-law time.
Because I was hurt. The hurt was inflicted during a time I was very scared, and so it was magnified into a great pain.
One I haven’t fully recovered from, mostly because it has not been dealt with. I haven’t told my brother why.
But several weeks ago a crisis arose.
My dad’s Parkinson’s took a left turn and the world sort of turned on its head for all of us.
It brought us all together again. My brother, my parents and I all sat under the same roof to deal with the situation and where to go next.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to get over your own stubbornness, your own pride, your own pain. In those moments, all of that is forgotten in the adrenaline rush, the fear, and the chaos. Those are the rough moments, but they’re also the moments of clarity. The moments when what’s really important comes out.
Suddenly we are talking. Phone calls are being made. Family outings are being planned.
We’re taking baby steps, and I still have to sit down with my brother and explain how the rift started, how I was hurt. Our lives have been too chaotic for a good heart-to-heart.
But we’re making pathways.
Moving forward.
I feel a long-taut string loosening. One I hadn’t realized was stretched so thin.
Maybe someday soon the family will be whole again.
*~*
Written for Things I can’t Say’s Pour Your Heart Out
Raising kids today is hard.
