by Sarah | Sep 10, 2011 | All About Family
I posted this last year and the year before at this time. I’m re-posting it. I will always repost it every year at this time…
I know what tomorrow is. I know what it means to our country. I remember every detail of 2001 in vivid detail…but since before 2001, this date has been difficult for me, for my family…in 1996 my family’s core was lost, the heart of us…my grandfather…so my post on 9/11 is for him. Oh, and at surface glance I hate this picture of me, but then I see the pure joy on my face dancing with my grandfather and aesthetics be damned, it’s my favorite picture.
It was his birthday. I was young and such a very short kid…and he was TALL. I remember watching him put our coats in the closet and staring up, up, up at him and asking, “How tall are you?” With his sparkling eyes and laugh he informed me that he was over 6′. My eyes grew wide, and all I could say was, “But you’re so close to the ceiling! If you have ANY more birthdays you’ll go right through!”
His chair sat by the front door and the minute he sat the race was on – who would get the privilege of sitting on his lap, carrying on as deep a conversation as a child was capable of. Who would get to play with his round pot belly, and listen to his laughter.
He worked for GM and he was proud of it, and so were we.
When I close my eyes I can still smell his pipe and see the pipe carousel on his dresser. I can smell the cigarettes that he and grandma smoked.
I remember that after he retired he would watch soap operas during lunch.
And I remember the weddings – when my cousin and I would trade off and share him for the dance. “Grampa” by the Judds.
I remember his smile.
I remember his belly.
I remember the strength that he always carried in his soul and body.
I remember the pain that shot through my heart at the word…”cancer”. Once it was uttered it was less than a year. 10 months.
I remember the first time I saw him in the hospital-and how I had to run from the room because it made me physically ill to see my big strong grandfather lying in a bed weak and hooked up to tubes.
I remember his fight.
I remember when it was acknowledged in our hearts that the time to fight was over.
I remember how he held on – hours past when we thought we would lose him – because he would not let go until he’d gotten to hear the good-bye of all of his grandchildren, and my brother had been in surgery for his shattered wrist. Half an hour after the final phone call, he was gone.
I remember the sound of the tennis balls scattering across the hallway when my professor’s assistant walked up asking if she knew where I was…and all I could do was run to my car to get home as soon as I could.
From there it’s a blur…a long car ride from NC to NY. The arrangements. The funeral home. The droves of people I didn’t know, but who all knew him, overflowing the room.
The pain has lessened, resorted to a memory. For the most part I remember the love, the good things, the joy. But on this day every year the pain comes back to the forefront.
This year the pain seems so much stronger – now that Grandma has gone to join him. Refreshed and renewed. Now they are together forever, but they will always be here in our hearts.
We love you still, and will always love you, Grampa.
by Sarah | Sep 8, 2011 | All About Molly, Autism, Special Needs
[flickr id=”5800817094″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Tomorrow we meet with the school.
One year later and I still can’t muster any enthusiasm for the special services department.
Yes. Riley did improve last year. She did learn a lot.
Still it seems as if it’s always a secondary thought. Like she’s lost in the sea of students. Like her needs are not as important as some other students.
We’ll see how the IEP goes.
If we find progress and hope.
All fingers are crossed.
But we’ll see.
by Sarah | Sep 6, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”6110555951″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] One day will they look back and think of their childhood with a smile like I do?
Or will they remember the screaming Mommy monster.
Will they feel they were robbed of delights and joys because our money is so tight?
Or will they think we gave them everything they truly needed?
Hindsight is 20/20 and there are days I have such regrets. I feel like such a failure.
Then I turn around and see them thriving in their own areas and ways. And I again think I’m not as bad a parent as I fear.
Right now I’m in the abstract. There are more tomorrows than there are yesterdays…then again for Brandon there are more yesterdays than tomorrows in his time under our care.
I struggle. I worry. I fight for the happy memories and try to look past what might not be so good.
I hate the abstract…
But I am working to enjoy every moment of it that I can. It’s the only way we can hope to give them happy hindsight.
by Sarah | Sep 3, 2011 | Photography, Scavenger Hunt Sunday, Weekly Winners
All taken w/ Canon Rebel XS.
This week I managed to get all the Scavenger Hunt Items, so I’m starting to roll that Sunday feature in with my usual weekly winners! Scavenger Hunt gives you five items. I doubled up on a few of them – and have another outside picture or two.
1. Stairs (SH)
Away from the world and its toils and its cares,
I’ve a snug little kingdom up four pair of stairs.
~William Makepeace Thackery
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All rising to great places is by a winding stair. ~Francis Bacon
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2. Macro (SH)
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3. Clouds (SH)
A believer is a bird in a cage, a freethinker is an eagle parting the clouds with tireless wing.
~Robert Green Ingersoll
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Every cloud engenders not a storm. ~William Shakespeare
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4. Abstract (SH)
Gravity is only the bark of wisdom’s tree but it preserves it. ~Confucius
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Water is the only drink for a wise men. ~Henry David Thoreau
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5. Smile (SH)
What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. ~Joseph Addison
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6. My Soul
On with the dance! Let joy be unconfined. ~Lord Byron
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Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful of the arts, because it is no mere translation or abstraction from life; it is life itself. ~Havelock Ellis
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You can find more pictures over at my flickr account.
Weekly Winners is the brainchild of the ever fabulous and gorgeous Lotus. Head on over to her place to see more fabulous winners.
Scavenger Hunt Sunday is run by the beautiful Ashley. Head on over to see more Hunters.
by Sarah | Sep 2, 2011 | Crap, Random
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Some days you’re the squirrel…
And some days you’re the nut.
by Sarah | Aug 31, 2011 | Photography, Show & Tell
This weeks prompt – MUSIC (self-portrait)
SHOW:
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TELL: When I hear music I either sing or dance…and seeing the prompt this is the exact vision I had in mind…those symbols are hand drawn by me onto my feet for this challenge 🙂
“While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot separate myself from life. I can only be joyful and whole. That is why I dance.” ~Hans Bos
