by Sarah | Jul 1, 2010 | All About Family, All About Me, Crap, Random
This used to be my escape. My me time was being on the computer so much that I wore down the keys.
I’m a homebody.
A computer/internet addict.
I’m well aware of my problem, and even though the first step to recovery may be admitting you have a problem…it didn’t help me.
Once everyone is in bed, this is still my escape. I come here every night in the quiet of my house. I write into the wee hours of the morning. Not blog posts, obviously since I’ve been so lax around here. I write stories. Dream of publication. All while ignoring my blog. I’ve sort of tied my avoidance of posting into the appearance of my parents on facebook, and everyone and my brother knowing my blog exists. A very public form of stage fright, if you will. I’m trying to get over it. I miss my blog. I hope to be back here more often. That’s why I prettied the place up (loving my new layout 😀 ).
My husband doesn’t like my computer, or my internet. For many years it’s been the cause of issues. Because my BFF is online. Because I spend so many hours on it. Because I don’t make my escape to the ‘real world’. The relationships I formed with other bloggers or non-bloggers online did not count as socialization. He doesn’t get the camaraderie. He might not ever understand. But that’s another post entirely.
In an effort to get along better with my husband (and rest my eyes and carpal-tunnel’d wrists), and to ‘get a life’ – whatever that means, I have started to venture out of the house.
I’d joined a playgroup when the girls were young – but always balked at taking out two young’uns together w/ diaper bags and such…it was always SUCH a hassle. Well, guess what. They are now 95% potty trained – diaper bags are no more! (We only wear diapers at night) So I don’t go to every playdate, but we get out.
I’ve been stepping away from the computer to hang out with the neighbors. My neighborhood is one I’ve raved about before here, on FB and twitter. It’s great for the kids, and it’s great for adults. I’ve made good friends with my neighbor across the way, and that works for me. Sometimes I spend the whole night away from the computer just chatting with the neighbors.
But I’ve also started to have ME time. Not w/ the kids, not w/ Archie. Just me.
I’ve reconnected with an old friend from high school and once a month we get together to eat, drink, and be drinky…er, merry. It’s been great to find out that even after losing touch a few years ago we still get along good and can talk for hours. One of these months I’ll be abandoning my family for a whole night to stay at her place.
My neighbor that I connected with and I started going to Zumba together (and are now talking about going to a wine tasting together – much yummier than Zumba). It about killed me, but it was fun. It was a six week session and I vowed to not re-sign up for it again. I had a few issues with it (false advertising for one)…and it just wasn’t my favorite. So now, I no longer go to class with her because she signed up for boot camp and I said “Um…NO.” I picked two classes…sooo…
First is Yoga.
I’ve been wanting to take a yoga class for a while. I’ve done a little in my house when we had FitTV, but I’ve wanted to do a full class session.
So on Tuesdays, for an hour and a half I’m in my Yoga class. I had my first session on Tuesday and loved it.
My body is sore, but it was great. The four week session is far too short, and I’m already planning on signing up for the next session once it’s posted.
Then I signed up for Body Sculpt.
I haven’t had my first class yet, and I’m a little scared. They’re calling for 5lb weights, which I have but never used.
I’m looking forward to it. Getting back in shape is something I’ve wanted to do. I’ve bought DVD’s like crazy – but making myself do them doens’t work. With these classes, I pay for them, I’m far more likely to do them.
So for me, I’m still using my computer – but I’m trying to not be so dependent/addicted – but I’m also trying to step out. To get away and back into real life. My girls are older, it’s getting easier – it’s getting harder.
I’m taking time for me. Time away from the stresses of family. Time away from the stress of being attached to the computer. My blogging has suffered, my writing has slowed…but I think in the end it’s better for me. My blogging and writing will improve because of it. Being a shut in doesn’t give you much fodder, after all. Life experience does that 🙂
(I make this post as I plan to sit in front of the computer and pre-write nearly 5 blog posts.)
by Sarah | Jun 10, 2010 | All About Me, Crap
It’s that time of year. Pollen counts are high, people are sniffling and moaning about hayfever and “allergies”. Today everyone has allergies (it seems like). Benadryl is over the counter, and there are more allergy meds than you can shake a stick at.
Some days I just look at everyone and laugh. I think, “If you only knew.”
From birth until the age of three I was, by all accounts, a holy terror. I never stopped screaming (although this is disputed by slides of me actually smiling – so it did happen). Nothing made me happy.
When I was three years old somehow my mother found what could label the cause of my problem.
I had allergies.
Oh, but this is more than the common problem of today. I was allergic to some very basic foods that are in EVERYTHING you eat (practically).
1. The protein in dairy. This meant no milk, no ice cream, no cheese, no butter. Nothing related to dairy products at all.
2. Corn. Yup, that yummy delicious food was among the list of my enemies. No corn on the cob, no corn on Thanksgiving. Imagine the cereals I was restricted from? Oh, and on that note:
3. Wheat. I barely remember this one so I’m pretty sure it’s the first I outgrew. (I only list it because my mom mentioned it in our last discussion of my little hell)
4. Cats, cat dander, don’t come near me if you have a cat. I sort of outgrew this in highschool, but it came back w/ a vengeance right around the time I got engaged to my husband.
5. On that note, any long haired animal was evil. I still remember in first grade we had a long haired guinea pig that I wasn’t allowed near. I always had to switch chore days w/ my BFF at the time (Hi Wendy!) when I got assigned the guinea pig.
6. Typical hayfever – pollen, dust (this one still majorly is true), mold…you know, the generics.
7. Soap. Bar soap (very much), bubble bath, shaving cream (oy, very much), body wash, deodorant (ugh. Yes, I use it). This one is still (mostly) true. I have to be selective of my liquid soaps and I still cant use shaving cream.
Weekly I went for shots (yes, shots. Most try to treat with oral meds these days) to “Dr. Bob”. My pediatrician and allergist extraordinaire. I couldn’t eat anything hardly, but meat and veggies. It was a good thing I was a freak of nature that loved my vegetables, because I HATED meat. All I could drink was orange juice or Kool-aid, the only cereal I could have was rice crispies or oatmeal.
My cousin (hey cuz!) to this day reminds me of the days I used to eat orange juice on my oatmeal or rice crispies. I think of those days and shudder.
I am addicted to pop nowadays because I still cannot bring myself to enjoy juice of any kind thanks to those influences. Kool-Aid is like a four letter word to me, but I’ll occasionally enjoy a Capri Sun or some pink lemonade – that’s my limit.
I eventually started to outgrow some of the allergies. Corn, thankfully, is something I enjoy frequently these days. Corn on the cob is still a favorite treat. Wheat, I don’t know how long that lasted, but I remember enjoying sandwiches in kindergarten so it can’t have been that long.
Dairy was tricky. I mostly outgrew it, and was drinking milk like a normal person by high school. When I got pregnant with my son, it came roaring back. And can I tell you something? Don’t EVER tell the hospital you have a dairy allergy. Otherwise your menu is seriously compromised. Anyway, with each pregnancy this sucker came roaring back w/ a vengeance and I was limited to no more than one serving of dairy a day (which I often opted for in ice cream). Now between my allergy and my lack of a gall bladder – dairy has once again become a four-letter word to me.
Cats. Oh, how I love cats. I love their purr, how they curl up with you, their grace…hell, I love the musical. Love, love, love cats. I got a cat in high school, Cali. I was not as affected by her dander as most other cats. Then we adopted Jazzy from my brother, and learned that I still had issues, but it was tolerable. We moved and eventually switched cats, and once again proved that I tolerate some cats better than others. Then I went to visit my cuz in NY. She had a huge ball of fur…Seriously, the cat was super-fluffy long hair. By the time I left her house 2 days later I could barely breath (after hogging her inhaler the whole time I was there)…got home and ended up in the hospital. Now, no cat is tolerable once again.
The worst these days is the soap/deodorant issue. Yes, I do use these things, I’m not a horrible pig. But I have to be VERY picky. I cannot use bar soap, of any kind. I don’t know what it is about forming the bar that does it, but I react every time. I have to use certain liquid soaps or shower gels. I CAN’T use shaving cream. I’ve ‘dry shaved’ since I was 11. It sucks. Then there’s deodorant. I have to switch about every six months to a year. I develop an allergy the longer I use a brand. I think I’ve been through almost every brand on the market and it’s time to switch again. Looks like I’m moving to the men’s aisle.
Needless to say, I don’t know how my mom did it. She should have put me in a bubble and fed me a liquid diet and be done with me. I was blessed to not have any kids w/ allergies beyond hayfever. For the almost two years we dealt w/ just a dairy allergy in Riley (who, thankfully has no issues now), I was at my wits end trying to find foods she could eat.
I admire my mom for the struggle she had
by Sarah | Jun 1, 2010 | All About Kennedy, Cystic Fibrosis
Three years ago we got the diagnosis, Cystic Fibrosis. The pulmonologist assured us that over the course of the next few years we were likely to have more difficulty from Angel’s “other issues” than we were from the CF.
She was right.
For three years we’ve avoided any serious medical ailments from her CF. One bout of croup is the worst we have suffered.
For three years it’s been a diagnosis. Nothing more.
Now it’s a reality.
On my last day in Buffalo the real world invaded. The pulmonologist called my cell phone. We had been in the week before for Angel’s yearly testing. Blood work was drawn, lung functions done, and a sputum culture.
The results of the sputum culture had come back. For the first time ever, Angel tested positive for Pseudomonas. We were already on Cipro (her lung functions have been on a steady decline & she’s been having some labored breathing)…we had TOBI added on (a $3000 drug, pre-insurance! *faints*), which is an actual inhaled antibiotic.
My baby is sick.
She runs and plays. She laughs and sings. But her body is slowing her down.
At night she rasps and wheezes. She’s now chained to her machines for an hour each morning and evening. Trying to fight this off so that she can run and play without getting so worn down so fast.
We let her run.
We let her play.
She needs it. WE need it.
Our baby is sick.
It’s no longer something that’s in the background. It’s staring us in the face and gnashing it’s teeth.
I’d come out fighting, but I’m worn down too. So instead I fight quietly. I pray to find my strength again so that I can be strong for her, for my family. Life has tossed me about lately, the phone call from the pulm was the last in a string of crapstorms swirling about me.
But then I see her face. Those huge brown eyes that have melted my heart from day 1.
That smile that manipulates my anger into a grin, even when I don’t want it to. The goofy playfulness that can turn the grumpiest grump into a grinning fool.
I know that she’s too little to know what her tiny body is trying to fight off. I know that she’d rather run and play then sit hooked up to machines and fed medicines. I know that it all makes her sad.
And that’s when I know. I’d give anything to keep that smile. That goofy grin. The annoying repeating chatter that fills my days (and sometimes my nights). The songs she makes up. The piercing shriek of a scream she emits that makes my ears bleed, but show that her fire is not gone out.
I will find my strength to fight this thing. The Mama Bear will emerge, and we will fight the now present danger of CF.
Diagnosis has become reality.
Now we brace ourselves for the fight. We will fight for every tomorrow we can get. Angel may be tiny – but she’s got a strength and joy inside unlike anything you’ve seen.
I believe that if anyone can win the battle against this disease it’s her.
And if my littlest, my tiny Angel-girl is strong enough – I sure as hell can be too.
by Sarah | May 31, 2010 | All About Family, Crap
Just after Mother’s Day I got the call. “Grandma is going into the hospital for some tests.”
Words you never want to hear.
Within a week we had a diagnosis – stage 4 Lung Cancer. Plans were made to get to New York. My mom was to go out on the 26th of May; Archie and I were going on June 10th. None of us made it. We just didn’t have enough time. She was gone not a week after her diagnosis.
14 years ago I lost my grandpa. Less than a week ago I lost my grandma.
“GroGram” as her great-grandchildren called her. She was stubborn, strong, proud, and oh-so-loving. Nothing meant more than family. She’d seen what suffering Grandpa went through when he fought his cancer – and she wasn’t about to put us through it.
But the loss feels so sudden, so strong.
Her life was rich, full, long.
She had 3 daughters, 5 grandchildren, and 7 great-grandchildren – not counting spouses, who all loved her as if they’d been born into her family.
I had 33 years w/ her in my life. Brandon was blessed to have known her during his 12 years. My girls – they won’t remember. The picture of GroGram holding Riley is one of the few I have of her w/ my kids. I’ll always wish we’d gone to see her more. Financially it wasn’t feasible, but I still wish we’d forced it.
With each day you spend with your family, whether they live close or far – remember that in the end it will never seem like enough time together. Don’t scrimp on time, eat it up and revel in it. Take hundreds of pictures, don’t leave the camera in the case. Don’t waste a moment – because every time it’s over far too soon.
***
I love you, Gramma…GroGram. We all miss you so much – but I know you’re with Grampa, happy and free of pain.
by Sarah | May 9, 2010 | All About Family, All About Me
For my mom…
Who was always there to listen when I was growing up.
Who fixed my costumes for dance, and made us matching Christmas outfits.
Who was there when my oldest was born.
Who taught me the fine art of not freaking out at every fever, scrape or bump.
Who taught me how to be a Mom.
Who was there when my middle one came into the world.
And watched the two oldest when our little Angel joined us.
Thank you, Mom…for everything. I can never thank you enough for being my Mom.
For my children…
Because even on the days when I want to throw in the towel and scream my head off…
YOU are what makes ME a Mom.
Your smiles are my reward.
Your cute giggles a present.
Your intelligence shines in each of you.
Your love in the countless hugs and kisses.
YOU make me love my job – and I know there is no better job out there.
by Sarah | May 6, 2010 | All About Learning
Two and two are four, four and four are eight, eight and eight are sixteen, sixteen and sixteen are thirty-two…
Yesterday the girls and I found a friendly little visitor on our driveway. So we kept him for a while before releasing him back into the wild. May I introduce “Wormy”:
He was great to have around. The girls adored him and still ask about him this morning!!
Of course that just means I have the song in my head…
Inchworm, inchworm, measuring the marigolds. You and your arithmetic you’ll probably go far. Inchworm, inchworm, measuring the marigold. Seems to me you’d stop and see how beautiful they are.
(P.S. I love this time of year. I’m coming out of my funk, writing tons, and playing w/my girls. Of course, my house continues to suffer, more so since we like to get OUT!!)
(P.P.S. All pictures taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi. SOC.)
This used to be my escape. My me time was being on the computer so much that I wore down the keys.
