by Sarah | Oct 11, 2011 | All About Me, Crap, Random
[flickr id=”6234929839″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]On those weeks when everything happens at once.
When you are certain that if one more thing happens, you’ll just cease to exist.
Even the most together person, the strongest person can snap.
Have a bad day.
I’m not the strongest person.
I play it well.
But I’m not.
Yesterday was the day I snapped.
Almost threw my expensive camera…at someone’s head.
It wasn’t pretty.
Today I’m recovering.
Feel a million times better.
But it lingers.
Tomorrow will be better.
I won’t accept less.
by Sarah | Oct 5, 2011 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Marriage, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”5293689107″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Cross Country season is drawing to a close. The final (County-wide) meet is in less than a week. Coming up there is nothing but PTO meetings, Parent/Teacher Conferences and life in general.
This also means that the teen will be home before 4PM every day.
I always thought once the girls were both in school I’d go back to work. Nothing so dramatic as full-time day jobs (and definitely NOT banking again ~gag~). I figured I would return to waitressing. With the teen old enough to babysit in short spurts, I’d be able to get a job at a real restaurant with real tips since I could now actually get into work before 6PM. Maybe we could get a (slightly) steadier increased income. Maybe we could leave SSI and its unreliable, and ever decreasing, amounts behind. Become self-sufficient again. Maybe even one day live the dream of giving up Child Support (or actually putting that in savings).
Now that day is here.
Yet we hesitate.
Last year Angel ended up in the hospital for the first time ever. It was five days where our only focus was her and making sure we saw the other two kids. Last year she wasn’t even in school. Only exposed to those hundred of viruses on the periphery.
It could happen again at any time.
We are six weeks into the school year and Angel has already missed five days due to illness. That’s one week out of six. Most of them in the past three weeks.
So now we toss up in the air whether I would even be able to maintain a job or if I’d constantly have to take off for illness or hospital stays or whatever.
I know, we can’t live life hanging by that ‘what if she gets sick’ thread…but it is a fact and a factor in everything. Having to weigh the consequences of not just being away from home several evenings a week – versus the likelihood that I will have to call in at least a couple of times, maybe more.
The thought of working again only scares me peripherally. I actually like the thought of having adult interaction, even if it is only as server to customer. I worked in banking for about eight years. It sort of ripped out my soul and stomped on it and I never wanted to work again after it. But I did, and I found a job at Bob Evans (the only place that would hire me w/ the hours I could work). The tips weren’t horrendous, but they weren’t top of the line. BUT. But…I loved my job. Even when I didn’ t like my new manager, and the employee turnover brought in some people that weren’t my favorites…I loved what I did. It was fun. It was interactive. It made me happy.
There are positives, many of them, to me going back to work…
But there are so many balls up in the air I’m afraid tossing in one more would be too much. Plus, I’d really hate to get a job I love, maybe even start earning enough to lose SSI…only to lose that job because of things well beyond my control.
We can’t live in the what-if’s…
But we can’t ignore them either.
by Sarah | Sep 20, 2011 | All of Us, Crap, Random
[flickr id=”6038515587″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]The past week has been a jumble of words and laughs and stress and cheers.
For all of that, you get the most fun thing of all. Bullet list of randomness!!
- Brandon is excelling in his Cross Country running this year. He’s beating his best times, and has always placed in the top 10 except the one meet that had about 8 teams there (in which case he was 12th). So far his best time in the 1.9 mile race is 11:59!! We’re exceedingly proud of him.
- Brandon’s Boy Scout popcorn selling days are upon us. Have I mentioned that I am not a fundraiser type of girl? Yeah…school fundraisers never come out of envelopes. This is a big thing, though. If he sells enough we don’t have to pay yearly dues – if he does even better he gets to go to Scout Camp free which…would be awesome.
- Angel got sick last week and missed 3 days of school. It lingers this week w/ some random coughing and moments of exhaustion (she took a nap yesterday, a long one). We keep an always worried eye n her.
- There are things of stress that can never be blogged. Things that pure panic caused me to overreact and delete my blog a couple of years ago. Things that disappear into the night only to run up behind me with an evil clown mask on and say “Remember me?” We are in the midst of one of these things now. We are stressed.
- In a subject to be blogged about very soon I got a phone call yesterday from a very old and dear friend. It was the highlight of my day and a wonderful way to spend a morning.
- I am actually going to a PTO meeting tonight. I’m feeling awkward about this as I am not a typical PTO mom…but I keep hearing talk about the ‘big changes’ coming up in our district…and now knowing that I don’t have to be a PTO member to vote on these things I think I’d better get clued in fast.
- Every once in a while I realize that very soon my eldest will be a Freshman – and that he is already taking a high school level class that will demand high school exams. And I feel OLD.
- I have been writing. A LOT. I’m also still reading, a LOT. I take great heart in reading Stephen King’s “On Writing” where he mentions that his writing goes similar to mine…dry spells that can last for months that turn into cramming, crazy writing once the inspiration strikes. I may never be Stephen King, but I don’t feel so bad about my recent 6 month dry spell.
- It’s fall. I’m still baking. Breads mostly (including English Muffins, YUM)…but the occasional sweet.
- That also means Halloween is coming up. I am so unenthusiastic about the whole costume & trick or treat thing. It fills me w/ dread that the girls are well aware of Halloween & the implications this year. Save me?
- I’m still fighting off heaving bouts of exhaustion myself. I try not to complain about it and push through. I got tired of myself whining to the hubby all the time, I can only imagine he felt the same. My physical is in November. If it’s still around I’ll mention it to the doc.
That’s it for now. Trying to get back into the swing of things again. At least to come up from air from my current manuscript. I don’t like making the hubby jealous with how consumed I can get by a story.
by Sarah | Sep 6, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us, Crap
[flickr id=”6110555951″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] One day will they look back and think of their childhood with a smile like I do?
Or will they remember the screaming Mommy monster.
Will they feel they were robbed of delights and joys because our money is so tight?
Or will they think we gave them everything they truly needed?
Hindsight is 20/20 and there are days I have such regrets. I feel like such a failure.
Then I turn around and see them thriving in their own areas and ways. And I again think I’m not as bad a parent as I fear.
Right now I’m in the abstract. There are more tomorrows than there are yesterdays…then again for Brandon there are more yesterdays than tomorrows in his time under our care.
I struggle. I worry. I fight for the happy memories and try to look past what might not be so good.
I hate the abstract…
But I am working to enjoy every moment of it that I can. It’s the only way we can hope to give them happy hindsight.
by Sarah | Sep 2, 2011 | Crap, Random
[flickr id=”6107175513″ thumbnail=”medium” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”center”]
Some days you’re the squirrel…
And some days you’re the nut.
by Sarah | Aug 23, 2011 | Crap, Random, WTF?
[flickr id=”6070441022″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]I couldn’t wait for the summer to end. For the kids to be back in school.
Now that they are…I’m SWAMPED.
What was I thinking?
Meet the teacher nights, school sports, family stuff.
Not to mention the pod people came and I’ve actually become a productive person. My house is seeing the benefits of my cleaning (as is my marriage since it makes hubby happy to have a clean[er] house). My writing has started again. My photography is even seeing a friendly little nudge. Not to mention the baking I’m still doing regularly (see pictured cupcake & the regular loaves of white bread that I make weekly).
But all of this means…
SWAMPED.
And crashing at 10 or 11 PM instead of 2AM.
There are just not enough hours in the day.
Hopefully I’ll be able to get myself in some regularly scheduled programming sometime soon. I’m having trouble keeping track of myself…
