by Sarah | Sep 29, 2015 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Crap, Personal, Random, Redefining Perfect
I have so many words.
So many thoughts.
So many hurts.
So many joys.
I am always the shiny happy.
I build walls.
It drives my husband nuts when I fight against breaking them down.
But they are built.
Because I cannot bear what is happening some days.
I am scared by my own inability to handle it.
Because it is happening.
Some days faster than others.
And it is happening again, although I am a distant witness of my own making.
Because I built walls.
And I am fine.
Most days.
Every day.
I handle things because it is what I do.
I support.
I live.
I cajole.
I laugh.
I rarely ever cry.
I am the best listener.
I am the peace maker.
The peace keeper.
The introvert.
The black sheep.
When the walls fall I fear I will break.
But some days.
Some days the bulldozer knocks them down.
And I am unexpectedly shattered.
And I weep.
And I pick myself up.
And I rebuild the walls.
Because I know nothing else.
But to go on.
by Sarah | Sep 15, 2015 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Crap, Random, Redefining Perfect, Top Ten Tuesday
I am not a movie watcher. I will watch them, and enjoy them once or twice. There are a few movies (Galaxy Quest, Star Trek, 27 Dresses, Harry Potter) that I’ll watch over and over…but for the most part I watch it once, twice, I’m done. I don’t sit down and watch movies all day long, I leave that to my husband (gives me the perfect excuse to write).
TV shows, however, are a different story. I love watching TV, I have it on almost all the time in the background. I have shows that I watch repeatedly. Some of them are goofy, I know…likely sentimental, but I love them. If they’re in syndication I seek them out and watch whenever I can. If they’re not, I flat out miss them.
1. Friends – I laughed so much at this show. I still do several times a day. There are some episodes I skip over without remorse…but for the most part I will always watch this if it happens to be on.
2. Dr. Quinn – I actually own this on DVD. I rarely watch it (there’s something about it being on TV…I don’t skip episodes or stop watching when it’s on TV like I do on DVD). But when I was laid up after my surgery I watched a lot of it. Love it, cheesy as hell, but love it anyway.
3. Deadwood – I never knew about this show until it was off the air, so it’s seems silly to say I miss it, but holy cow do I hate HBO for ending this show. It was amazing. Vulgar, yes, but amazing. So much story there, so much intrigue and action and quite a bit of humor too. I will forever love my “cocksucker TV”. And yes, we DO own this on DVD and it’s one of the few shows hubby & I both enjoy watching together.
4. Star Trek: The Next Generation – I didn’t find this show until season 4 when I happened upon the episode “Remember Me” which featured Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton). I was instantly smitten. From that point on I sought out the show and watched it whenever I could, cried when it was over, watched reruns to catch up and was so happy the day I found it in syndication. I went to the opening nights of the movies at midnight (ah the days of youth). To this day I love it…I don’t watch it as much in recent years, but my son sure does.
5. Star Trek: Voyager – I know there were a lot of complaints about this show, but I liked it. After the first couple of seasons of whining about getting home they really started exploring and being scientists, I really fell in love.
6. Buffy – Spike. ‘Nuff said.
7. Diagnosis Murder – How badly am I aging myself between this and Dr. Quinn? This was another corny and cheesy show, but I just adored it. I loved Steve and the mysteries and the comedy thrown in. It made me happy, and anything that makes you happy is worth it. I have found it in syndication, but keep forgetting it’s there until it’s over for the day. I need to start remember this sort of thing. 🙂
8. Without a Trace – Missing persons cases brought about shortly after the advent of CSI. It didn’t last as long, but I really enjoyed it. I liked the way they told the story with a back and forth of what happened to the person telling it.
9. Cold Case – Another one that rode in on CSI’s coat tails. I absolutely loved this. My husband hated the flip between past/present actors and the cheesy ending showing the murder victim smiling, but I liked that touch a lot.
10. Will & Grace – Loved everything about this. I know a ton of people hated the finale, and I can’t blame them. I didn’t despise it, I saw where they were going…but I think it went off course some. Still, the show before it was wonderful.
And there we go. 10 shows I miss running fresh stories every week. What shows do you miss showing up fresh and new every week?
by Sarah | Aug 24, 2015 | All About Kennedy, All About Me, All of Us, Crap, Random, Redefining Perfect
We’ve all seen the TV show, seen the urban-legend like tales of women that didn’t know they were pregnant. Most of us, especially those that have been pregnant, all say “No way. But, how?”
I sure felt that way for years. I mean, with Denver I had symptoms before I knew. With Molly, I didn’t really have symptoms before I knew, but after a couple of weeks it hit me. In my first pregnancy I got huge, there was no denying something was going on. With my second, the distinct basketball at my waistline was a rather clear clue.
I sure never thought anyone could miss the fact they were pregnant.
Until it happened to me.
When Molly was born, Erik & I agreed that was it. Two was our limit. Financially and space-wise (TINY house, have I mentioned?). We were done. Finito. Kaput. I was breastfeeding, had the pill and we took every precaution we possibly could. Well, just about. At no time in our lives was there any less than 3 forms of birth control happening – and with a new baby in the house sleep was often a more precious commodity than alone time (You know that commercial where the couple gets a hotel room and the second the blinds are closed they pass out instead of sexy-time? Yeah…sort of like that.)
At four months of age, Molly’s silent reflux came to the forefront, as did her FTT. I (stupidly) stopped breastfeeding by her (stupid) pediatricians advice and switched to formula in a desperate attempt to have her gain weight (what a stupid, stupid thing…but that’s a story for another day).
All of the health care visits for Molly kept me busy. I was working as a waitress at nights. I was busy, tired, not paying much attention whatsoever. Life was nuts.
Once in a while I got an odd pain that I swore hit right on my cervix – which was really odd considering my status as a non-preggo mom of two.
In December 2005 I wrote the following on my LiveJournal (remember those days?) entry:
I feel pregnant still/again. Nearly 100% sure I’m not…because it would be almost physically impossible to be…and if I was, I’d be about 6 months along right now and a bit bigger than I am…so I think I have another cyst. Probably pretty nasty too, because when I was taking a bath the other night I realized one side of my abdomen is relatively solid. There’s definitely something in there. I’m still 10 lbs. above pre-preggers weight and I don’t eat a ton…I eat like I always have. My boobs are still a cup size over pre-preggers and leaking…and I’m moody as Hell…I’ve started getting the sharp pains around my ovary area that I got when I had my last one…but they aren’t as frequent.
Weird, right?
What did I do about all of the oddities?
Not a damn thing. Not for a month.
January came and around mid-month another really odd thing happened.
5:30AM January 17th. No school, Erik didn’t work, I didn’t work until about 5:30PM. All was quiet.
My eyes flew open. I was wide awake.
Mind you, I am nowhere near a morning person – if I do wake up at that time I’m usually half dead. But nope, not that day, I was wide-eyed-pie-eyed.
I set my hand on my stomach and said, “What the hell?”
For a split second I’d thought I felt a baby move. You know, the butterfly wing-touches.
Once again, did I do anything?
Nope. I blew it off as GAS. Yeah.
Another two whole weeks went by before I finally decided to just pick up a pregnancy test at the grocery store to shut up that weird nagging voice in the back of my head.
Because really – there was no way I was pregnant.
Right?
Test came up positive.
I freaked the hell out. Crying rivers of tears. We couldn’t afford this. We didn’t have room. I called Erik at work, sobbing and asked him to come home. I kept telling him I couldn’t say anything over the phone but he forced it out of me, and he was home twenty minutes later.
Despite the positive test in my hands, I still didn’t believe it. I called the doctor’s office and his fabulous nurse told me to come in first thing in the morning for the blood test. I had to wait another 24 hours before that amazing nurse called me before thy even opened to give me the results. I was, in fact, pregnant. She then said…
“Let me see if we can get you scheduled in about 4 weeks from now. By these numbers I’d say you’re very early, about 4 weeks.”
My response was immediate protest.
“No. You don’t understand. My first symptom was the baby kicking. I’ve felt it move. I’m sure I’m way beyond 4 weeks along.”
In surprise, she agreed we had to get in for an ultrasound ASAP.
4 days later I found out I was having a girl – on the very first ultrasound.
I was 23 weeks.
She was born at 36 weeks.
The doctor said I set a speed record for him in pregnancies.
In my defense, after this visit my pregnancy did far more than set a speed record. It was like the minute my pregnancy was confirmed my body took it as a big thumbs up to REALLY let loose.
I had SEVERE pain (Pubic Symphysis Diastasis) – so bad I couldn’t roll over in bed at night. I blew up and looked pregnant within a week (I hadn’t up until then). I was put on modified bed rest within a month of my ultrasound – true bedrest when I went into pre-term labor at 35 weeks (lifted @36 weeks). It became almost a nightmare once I knew I was pregnant…
But for 23 weeks I didn’t know I was pregnant!
The results were so worth it, though.
I mean, what would we do without our crazy, cooky, stubborn angel?
by Sarah | Jul 11, 2015 | All About Me, Crap, Random, Redefining Perfect, Story of Me
Some years ago I had my dream job working at Barnes & Noble. I wasn’t a bookseller, I worked in the cafe–but I got all the benefits. A great discount, free stripped books, and a great lot of like-minded people to work with. Plus, being surrounded by shelves of books 40+ hours a week? Um, yes please.
I have many colorful stories from the time I worked there. Fascinating people I worked with. How many of us hailed from the same place (another state entirely). The odd customers, the good customers. That was where I worked when I had my son. It was literally the place I learned I was pregnant. I was with those people when Princess Diana died. I went out with them, they gave me my baby shower, and one of them was my labor coach.
Of all the stories I have to share, the oddest by far was the story of, well let’s call him Al. *
Admittedly, at first, I didn’t like Al much. He came in from out of nowhere and took my job from me. My manager, and good friend, was leaving the store and I was pushing to take her job as Cafe Manager. Al swooped in with his tales of culinary school, and being 10 years older than me, the store manager hired him on the spot for cafe manager.
So, clearly, I wasn’t too happy to meet him.
Over time he won me, and the whole staff, over. He was jovial, friendly, hilarious, and his wife was sweet and friendly. She worked down the street at Hollywood Video as their manager. The couple had two huge beasts of dogs that were slobbery-kisses sweet.
On weekends, week nights, whenever we closed together we’d all go out and hang out at one of the local restaurants/bars. Our most frequent haunt was the restaurant right next door, who would leave the bar open just for us booksellers.
Three months into his tenure as our manager, an odd thing happened.
He disappeared.
One day he didn’t show up for work. I, as assistant, was called in.
Two more days of me pulling double shifts later, a couple of police officers walked into the store and asked for the manager.
Turns out Al and his wife were far more interesting than we’d thought.
Skilled con artists with warrants in 12 states. In the three months she’d been at Hollywood Video, she’d embezzled almost $10,000.
We were all floored.
Shocked.
Stunned.
We thought we knew him. We’d hung out with them. We’d thought they were our friends.
And none of us ever saw him again.
To this day I don’t know if they were ever caught, or where they went to.
It was a huge eye-opener for me on how a person can truly deceive you.
I still try to be as trusting as possible, but this story has never truly left me.
And likely never will.
*Name has been changed due to my memory slipping in my old age…honestly don’t remember the guys name…
by Sarah | Jul 6, 2015 | All About Family, All About Kennedy, All of Us, Crap, Random, Redefining Perfect
I have this piece of artwork on my wall I made just a few years back. The wedding picture of Erik & I surrounded by our kids. On the left, pictures of them as babies. On the right, pictures of them “Current day”. Or, they were at the time.
Some days it catches my eye and totally stops me in my tracks.
At the time I made it Denver had seemed so old. Older than his sisters, who at the time were a mere one and two. He himself was just 9. The same age as Kennedy is today. 9 little years old. Now he’s a huge, attitude filled, stubborn teenager.
Molly aged in photography early. Before our eyes she became ‘model-ready’ in every single photo, with her sparkling blue eyes and perfect posing.
Kennedy tricked us. We thought we were safe with our doe-eyed baby girl. Her big brown eyes and constant laughter, temper tantrums and childlike wonder at everything, she’d for sure be our baby forever.
Then this happened.
I mean, HOW? When did she get so mature?
I try to focus on the things that keep her ‘young’.
Her firm belief in magic (not her attempts to get concrete proof of such things).
Her crazy laughter in the light moments (not the near-tween-like attitude she shows from time to time).
Her love of Monster High (not the extension into loving scary movies as well ~shiver~).
I’d just love for her to stay my baby girl for a while longer. With one leaving the nest next year, and another entering middle school…I’ll just ignore that she’s following right behind her sister toward departing the elementary school years. I’ll just ignore this stunning picture where she looks too old for her own good.
She is, and will always be, my bright brown eyed girl.
by Sarah | Jan 21, 2015 | All of Us, Blogging Life, Crap, Photography, Random, Redefining Perfect, Special Needs
The past 4-5 months have been a weird sort of crazy busy, mentally wiped, not-really-busy-but-can’t-function sort of time. I got a job last year, and started working far more hours than I was hired for and my brain forgot how to function, I think. Or I just needed to focus on words. Or I focused too much on words. It’s hard to say.
I have so much to cover, and I’m trying to organize the words for full fledged blog posts, trying to wrap my mind around how to write a blog post again instead of a book. I’m trying to figure out how to expound on my world and the crazy, amazing, chaotic developments in our little corner of the universe, instead of building new worlds and characters and telling their story.
I want to resume telling my story again (while still telling theirs, of course, because I will likely never cease writing).
While I work on composing the words, here’s a few brief updates, destined to be turned into posts of their own eventually.
- We went to Disney World this year. This will require several posts, including one about Make-A-Wish and the true magic they created.
- I wrote over 500,000 words last year.
- Published 8 books.
- Contracted 7 more (& have 3 more in edits for Indie publishing later this year)
- I started working again, for real this time. After a few brief stints over the past 5 years, I’ve been at this job 7 months now. It’s the job I said I’d never go back to, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
- The kids are now almost-17 (3 days!), almost-10, and almost-9. Holy crap, how did that happen?
- Molly’s behavior has improved (thanks to a little help) vastly. Her school year this year has been so different, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while w/ the school district.
- My brother got diagnosed w/ Parkinson’s (an early diagnosis thanks to early recognition of the symptoms based on our dad’s symptoms).
- My husband had surgery last month.
- We have a Monster High obsession going on around these parts (and it’s not just K)
- Our rescue dog has been with us almost a year now. I still don’t know how we lived without her stinky, strange, sweet, not-listening, mama’s-girl butt.
- K & I have started to read through the Harry Potter series together. It’s so much fun to share so much with one of my girls.
- I’m sort of turning into a planner fiend. Here’s hoping that helps with my whole “get back into blogging” plan.
- I’m trying some “30 days of”. Don’t plan on posting about them until I actually succeed (or get close to succeeding) in completing one. I’m hoping I can do anything for 30 days. I’m doing one of the toughest ones first. If I can manage to succeed in this, I know I can do anything.
There is so much more, and I have wonderful lists full of posts to create. I only need to get myself into focus to create them. I think my brain needs the release of getting these things out in the open. Maybe then I’ll start to feel like my brain is back on planet Earth.
Now, if only I could find those elusive extra hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to in every day.
I have so many words.
