Of course, on the week that I do not have my posts pre-written we have a full house of sick. I’ve been sick for almost 3 weeks, now both girls and Archie all have it. So far Brandon has been spared, but we’ll see if that continues!!
I’m starting to feel a little better and I have a few posts in my head, so hopefully I’ll be able to find a few minutes at least to pre-write a post or two until I’m feeling more up to getting more set in line!!
Be back soon as I can!
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This is not our first Fatherhood Friday. It’s just been a long time since Archie stepped up to this plate. I asked him to write a post on this subject, and have asked him to try to continue writing posts as time/inspiration allows. It’s always nice to get the other perspective from time to time 🙂
I’m writing this for a second point of view on our concerns for our daughter who has just started school.
I would like to say first of all that although my wife and I don’t agree on every aspect, I love her and respect what she has to say. No exceptions. I love our kids the same way, with no exceptions. Maybe I love them in different ways than each other, but no more or no less than the others. This will be about our middle child, Riley.
I knew the day would come where Riley would be old enough to go to school. My wife championed homeschooling, while I am a public education proponent. We both had sound logic in our choices, but eventually one of us would have to give way. Being small and comforting, the h/s milieu would provide stability and support as well as routine for Riley, as she loved things to be repetitious and consistent. Public school would give her interaction with other kids, lots of them, and would help her to mainstream, just be a standard kid.
By sheer persistence, I wore down Sarah to the point she would go along with me, albeit unconvinced I was making a good decision for Riley. So, she went to school.
Within the first few weeks, Riley lost her ability to remain calm. At school, the excessive noise(holy god, kindergarten is insanely noisy), the shuffling of many small bodies, the closeness of the setting, and the newness of it all burned through her coping mechanisms like wildfire. She literally hasn’t any defenses left. Any accomplishments she might make, are made nil by erratic behavior. She is suffering, trying desperately to keep from drowning, while the waves are just getting bigger.
At home, Riley isn’t much different. At times, she is silent, inconsistent, demanding, inconsolable, loud, and will take her stress out on the rest of us without warning. Those are a lot of harsh adjectives to describe my sweet, little girl. Make no mistake, I love my Riley more than the human heart is actually capable of handling.
And that was my downfall. I so wanted the “perfect”, “normal” life for her, that I became blind to who she was becoming in her own right. Before school began, we had a little girl, who despite being diagnosed as autistic, was capable of emotions and moods in the range of everyone else. Yes, at times she was a pistol. And there were some problems we were not capable of handling. But she was the best little girl she was ever capable of being, and more. And I overlooked it.
It’s easy to see where I went wrong, because I just wanted the best for Riley and didn’t want her to be burdened with the struggles I encountered at her age. But she isn’t me. She is her own, beautiful little person that has her own path to make. We will find the best way for her, with her as a guide to help us make sure we keep her first and us second. And her sister is coming along right behind with other special issues that will need to be met. So, this will help in the long run.
But I have the guilt of betraying my daughters faith and trust in me, I let her down. And I also have the guilt of letting my wife down by not listening to what she was telling me. As a parent, we all silently beat ourselves up over things we do to our kids that we wish didn’t.
So, here I am. I’m sorry, Riley, for not keeping you first and putting you in bad situation. And I’m sorry, Sarah, for not being the husband and father I should always strive to be. But, I promise to do better. I love you guys.
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*Must note – the picture above is a meld. On the left is Archie as a young boy, on the right, Riley.
Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for
I’ve talked about this before. It was well over a year ago, closer to two years ago that I posted about it. I still haven’t forgiven myself.
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes. I never cared for the taste of them, but I would have spurts of smoking. I’d smoke for a few months, quit for a year, or two. Then go back. Then quit. All I would have to do was think, “I’m going to stop”…and I would.
Once I started drinking I’d smoke on the rare occasions that I drank (I do mean rare).
Being a social smoker – all it took was me working in food service to really get on the smoking bandwagon. I was drinking more too. I was 20. I had a great group of friends that I worked with. We all smoked.
Then I got pregnant with Brandon. Before I even knew I was pregnant I quit. Suddenly the taste was even more appealing and I was done. Then I found out I was pregnant and was relieved.
It happened the same way with Riley. Before I realized I was pregnant I was done.
With Angel – I didn’t have the same good fortune. I was once again working in the restaurant biz, hanging out with my coworkers in the smoking section. Riley was so young, so very very young, when I got the job. I was working nights. I had a newborn and I was stressed and the call of social smoking pulled me in.
I had no idea when I started smoking again that I was pregnant.
I had no idea for five and 1/2 months that I was pregnant.
I know – I have to forgive myself. After all, I DIDN’T KNOW. But even now, with my smiling young angel, my happy, crazy, beautiful little baby here…running and playing and doing everything the other kids do. Even now there is guilt that eats at me.
I have to forgive myself.
But what if I am the reason? What if my smoking deprived her of enough oxygen to cause her hypotonia?
I still blame myself.
Finding forgiveness is not always easy.
Not when it’s your baby that’s hurting.
Not when you think it’s all your fault, and the forgiveness is for yourself.
I was not going to write about this because it is a very hot-button issue in our house. But for that fact alone I have to post it. This blog is about us redefining perfect in our lives – and telling how we do it. No subject should be avoided, especially the ones that cut so deep to our heart that we fight about it within our house. Because this is one of those topics w/ opposing viewpoints (at least it started that way) – I’ve asked Archie to write a post as well. I’ll post it once he has written it.
Riley started school a little over three weeks ago.
She’s 5 years old.
She’s intelligent beyond belief. Possibly even brilliant.
Socially…emotionally…well, let’s just say she’s not near as ready.
I didn’t think she was ready. Not for a classroom full of crazy kids (not that they’re insane, they’re…well, for lack of a better term…they’re normal). Not to be expected to be that same normal.
I admit to a bit a bias. Our first attempt at school was not successful. It was developmental preschool, specifically for special needs. Riley lost learning. Her behavior at home became erratic and violent. She was withdrawn before Christmas.
Now she had to go to ‘normal’ every day kindergarten…with neurotypical kids.
I wanted her evaluated first.
School said no dice – she has to be in for 6 weeks so we can see how much is normal reaction/adjustment to being in school.
It went against what my gut said – but after much debate and discussion with Archie (who believed just as strongly that she had to go into school), Riley was enrolled. Literally the day before the first day of school she was enrolled & given a teacher whom we met that very night.
We ‘warned’ her teacher, explained how Molly was. How they wouldn’t evaluate her and just gave her a heads up on what she might expect.
The next day school began.
The roller coaster ride took off so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.
Excitement. Anger. Glee. Stress. Happiness. Stubborn refusal to attend. Joy off the bus. “I don’t want to go to school.” “I had much fun at school.” “I miss you Mom.” More stress. Increasingly erratic behavior at home.
Every day is a struggle to get her to school. She doesn’t want to go.
Then off the bus it’s happy and chatty.
Within an hour I’m fending off the hounds of hell. Trying to keep calm.
Suddenly Riley’s aversion to loud noises is back with a bang. At school the teacher has given her leave to put herself in time-out with her own personal basket of Sensory Diversionary toys when things get ‘too loud’ or ‘too crazy’ for her.
Then we get a letter from school, informing us that they are recommending Speech Therapy for her. That (surprise of surprises) she qualifies!
Well, DUH.
The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got.
I could have told them that. If they’d evaluated her BEFORE school, all of that would be known. I don’t NEED her to be forced into ‘normal’ behavior for six weeks to tell you how she’ll react and what she needs. Don’t make me wait (at least) 6 weeks to get her what she needs. To make her teacher fumble around for (at least) 6 weeks to try to figure it out. Don’t make an innocent child suffer for 6 weeks for something I could tell you NOW. TODAY.
It’s all rotten.
And I still hate it. My gut still tells me to get her the hell out of Dodge until she’s ready.
Before my eyes she’s unraveling again. The balance we achieved has been thrown off. I don’t know if we’ll ever find it again…whether she stays in or gets out…the balance has been shifted forever.
We’re still in the middle of this process. Decisions are being made and changed, and we’re trying to find even ground again.
If there is such a thing anymore.
I updated WordPress last week. Monday my site broke and it has taken me this long to get it up and running again. Problem is that I lost the past few months of posts!! They aren’t a LOT, but it’s more than what’s here!
What REALLY ticks me off is I exported all of the files to my computer from WordPress before I upgraded. Now when I try to import the files WordPress tells me the file is TOO BIG!!!
So yes, I’m ticked off and trying to get a restore from my webhost (not sure it will happen). But at least I’m back up and running….sort of.
*sigh*
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Update 30 minutes later – I FIXED IT!!! All by myself! No help from the webhost OR wordpress!! All of my posts are back and everything is resolved!
I’ll be posting Weekly Winners on Sunday, and then trying to pick up a regular posting schedule here and at the Storylines. Prescheduling posts should help. AT least, that is the plan!!