To think – I used to dream of the days I’d have little girls.
I forgot that they meant this sort of thing.
The gifts of an unusual sort.
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“Here Mommy. For you.”
A half-naked, psuedo-Barbie with pink hair.
I feel so very loved.
I don’t do Valentine’s Day.
In a relationship, happily married…I just don’t care.
Some might call it a carry over from my single & angry days…but it’s not.
I’ve never been a fan.
Erik, bless his heart, didn’t believe me when we were dating. A huge bouquet of flowers arrived at my work on Valentine’s day.
But to be honest, I preferred the bouquets (small or large) that came without reason. Without a ‘holiday’ telling him to man-up.
The single flower just because.
A pop he brought home because he was just thinking of me and knows of my addiction love enjoyment of the fountain drink.
Over time Erik got the picture, with my repeated sincere assurances that the last thing I wanted was something on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want him to spend 3X as much on gift because someone decided that was the day it had to happen.
We’re married. We love each other. He shows me in a thousand little ways. With his constant support for my writing, for my blog, for whatever I put my mind to.
I don’t need platitudes, but I get offered words of thanks and appreciation sporadically in random moments and in serious moments.
Those are what I need.
Those are what I want.
Knowing I’m loved.
Appreciated.
Supported.
THAT is my Valentine’s Day. Every Day.
Not one day in the middle of February.
Every. Day.
I carefully avoided those year-end wrap-ups.
The stigma of “resolutions.”
But still…
As 2013 burgeons and develops…
With ugly, nasty January a moment in the past…
With so many things looming in the coming months…
A son 6 months away from a learners permit.
A novel I wrote releasing in 4 days.
A husband that is learning new ways to handle his bi-polar/depression.
Girls that are turning into real little people with tons of attitude.
I have to believe…
And say…
That for 2013 there is only one word that fits.
Change.
Nine years ago my life was different. (Sort of) newly married, only one young son at home. I had no blog, but I did have an online existence.
In one of those (now defunct) online locales I met a girl that went by Vilanaa. We talked some, but we weren’t close. Then one day she emailed me to give me a file that the internet (and my stupidity) had eaten…and from that moment on we became fast friends.
I quickly learned her real name was Jess. We bonded fast over many similar experiences and laughed over the same jokes.
For several years we shared our lives through the internet & phone. Never meeting, but she was there for everything. The first person my husband called when I went into the hospital for the girls, for my gall bladder. I became the person she called for everything, joy to crisis. We watched each others kids grow up through pictures.
We finally met several years ago when I went out to meet her. Upon arrival I ‘forgot’ my kids in the car and rushed into a tight hug that lasted five minutes while Denver got the girls unpacked and met her boys. Many tears of joy were shed.
A year an a half ago she returned the favor by driving out here for my birthday. She was present for my first tattoo and my husband finally got to know the person behind the voice.
She is my best friend. Our friendship is amazing and strong and amazing again.
But she lives so far away. Without the invention of the transporter I can’t be there when she’s in true crisis. I have to be content with knowing she has a support system that is helping. I have to be content to be on the other end of the phone to remind her to breathe when she calls me in tears.
Last month I went out with two wonderful and amazing Indy friends of mine, Casey and Shireen. These two women are best friends like Jess and I, but they live in the same town(ish). They are able to see each other at least twice a month (most times) – but at the end of the evening they embraced in a tight hug that lasted several minutes. Both apologized to me, saying it sometimes makes people uncomfortable.
I told them don’t apologize ever for that sort of closeness. That if my BFF were here I’d hug her the same way every time. We all need the bear-hug friend…whether they are five minutes away, an hour away, or 12 hours away.
Treasure your bear hug friend and hug them as often as you can.
Because this 12-hours away crap? It sucks when your best friend needs you.
Now who can get those scientists to finish up the transporters ASAP for me? I’ve got to get a bear hug.
When I was 5 and living in Buffalo one of the best treats was when mom took us to Hills department store. That place had slushies and hot dogs in the front, and sometimes we got a treat after shopping. I loved going to Hills.
Then one day I wanted gum. I REALLY wanted gum while we were standing in line to leave. Mom told me no. I didn’t like that. I don’t remember swiping the gum, but I remember getting caught. Standing next to the car, Mom scolding me and then marching me right back into the store and admitting to the manager what I’d done.
I.Was.Terrified.
It stuck with me.
So when we had some incidents in November with K first lying and then stealing and lying about it, my first instinct was something similar.
The next morning I marched her into school and made her first tell the principal (lovely woman, BTW) and then her teacher (another great person) – and apologize for what she’d done. For the next few weeks until break K had to meet with the guidance counselor weekly. She lost some recess time and at home she was left to sit in the corner while her sister got to play and watch one of her favorite movies.
We thought – maybe it was attention seeking. Life was chaotic. Denver had just spent a week in the hospital and then another week getting PICC treatments. Maybe it was just attention.
But now…the behavior is escalating.
I’m worried. As worried as I always was when she was self-injuring. Because it’s a new type of self-injury.
The most difficult part about it is that she is GOOD. She lies without a blink. She swipes toys and books from her teacher, her classroom, and brings them home to claim them without a second thought.
I’m at a loss. I’m worried. She clearly remembers every time she’s been caught and gotten in trouble (and really, how many times have we missed?). I don’t feel like I can trust my own lovely, kind-hearted, snuggly girl…because she can lie so blatantly and fearlessly right to my face.
I can’t even begin to know how to deal with this. Or why she’s doing it.
Where do I even begin?
Last year I challenged myself in many ways.
This year is challenging me in ways I never expected – especially not so soon (we are only 14 days in, for crying out loud).
Still, there are rays of hope starting to glimmer through.
While working outside the home didn’t work out for a variety of reasons, I’ve managed to pick up odd jobs here and there. I have a part time job working for a lovely lady & the job is 85% virtual/online.
Another odd job is something I’ve thought about doing for a while. I’m just dipping my toe in right now, but so far the water is nice. If it goes well and starts to build, it could be good for me.
I’m also embarking on a project with my Critique group that is at turns terrifying…and deeply exciting. It’s a learning and growing experience that’s coming to mean a lot to me.
Of course there’s that book-thing next month that I’m gearing up for – and another in April. Not to mention some new stories that are truly exciting me, no matter their length.
I’m re-considering my experiment of merging my author and personal blogs. No firm decisions yet, but it’s a definite thought that’s occupying my mind. I suppose it all depends on how active my author blog becomes and how much the traffic grows.
On the family front the kids are back in school, and now that hubby’s flu has passed life should begin to return to our normal schedules and maybe I can get these decorations down.
My smarty-pants Denver is making a DNA model out of K’Nex for extra credit. Molly is showing real progress in all of her IEP goals. Kennedy is…well, she’s struggling right now & giving us cause for worry…but she is still ready with at least one heart-melty smile every single day.
Yes, 2013 is certainly throwing its fair share of crap our way…but finally I’m starting to feel that the sun is peeking through the clouds of turmoil.
Now I just need to find new ways to challenge myself like I did last year.
Any ideas?