It can open up such a can of worms.
I once told the story of Alex* and how it came to be that I became single mother.Â
When I left North Carolina and eventually filed for full custody his last words to me were ugly and mean. He didn’t show up for the custody hearing, and on the advice of my lawyer I asked that if he was granted visitation that it be supervised. The judge agreed and he was granted visitation rights at a supervised location.
He never tried to see his son. He never called again, emailed again. When I sent letters to let him know of our change of address he didn’t sign – his grandparents did.Â
I had nightmares of what would happen. That one day he’d suddenly decide to see his son and my world would be torn apart.Â
HOW would I explain to my son what happened? I swore when he was a baby I would never say a cross word about his dad, and I never have. I want him to make his own decision based on the role Alex* chose to play in his life.Â
Then we grew and changed. We found Archie. The nightmares were still there, but they eased. The guilt I carried from the past eased. Brandon never asked about his real father or why his name is diferent from Archie’s. Ever.
Three months ago I was googling. I googled myself (except for my online screen name there isn’t anything about the real me out there). I googled my dad (there’s tons for him…he’s a top notch guy). My mom…not much there either.
Then I went into my past. I searched for an old friend (Kathy R, my Moe…I still cannot find you!) or two or three. Then for some unknown reason I googled him. My brain dredged up his old screen name and found him on myspace.
I went to his page. I saw pictures of him from recently. I learned where he’s living now. I saw that he’s still single…and there is no mention of his son on his myspace page. I’ve since joined facebook and he’s there, but private.Â
It reopened everything for me. The fears, the worries.
We have since talked to Brandon about it. He’s at turns distraught and confused and at others acts like nothing happened. He has many questions.
He wants to meet Alex.
I’ve lied for the first time. I told him I didn’t know where Alex is. That the picture I showed him was an old one of mine. In truth I only know the AREA Alex is and I’m sure I could find him…but I don’t want to. This is all too new, too fresh to Brandon and he needs time to process before we drag the skeletons out of the closet.
I don’t ever want to make that call. I don’t ever want him to express interest in knowing his son. I want our lives as they have been…but the info is out there and as he gets older, he’ll want to ask more questions. He’ll be able to find him all by himself.Â
I pray that I’ve raised him with enough love and happiness that nothing will change when this happens.Â
I fear daily that it will.
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*Alex is a pseudonym chosen for the sperm donor. Not his real name.
I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine the weight of this fear you carry every day. You ARE a wonderful mother. And I am sure you’ve raised him with plenty of love and happiness that if the day comes, his world will not be rattled.
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