I hide.

Weekly I’ve been doing this Flip Side meme.  Trying to learn to like myself again through these photos.  It’s working in pieces…but then I realize I still hide.

No picture goes unless I’m sure it’s my ‘best’ side.  I’m either made up, my face is at the right angle, my chin is present (it does like to disappear), my nose isn’t off…and so much more.  Hundreds of photos are dismissed.

The real me is never revealed.

When I go out it’s the same. Leaving the house without makeup? Sacrilege. Going out where I will see real people in ‘comfy’ clothes?  I did that last week w/ some Indy bloggers and it about killed me to leave the house like that.  Best foot forward and all.

But that isn’t always me.

I have more tired, non-made-up, dark-circled, feeling fat days than I do ‘feeling beautiful’.  My kids are always going. I am always going.  I’m writing, I’m singing, I’m wifing, mothering, sewing, knitting, baking, cooking, doctoring, therapizing, advocating, teaching, learning, crying, laughing, reading and never sleeping.

I have dark circles, they’re partly genetic, partly earned.

I spend days wrapped in a cloak of fear.  I spend days bolstered by the shining rays of hope. I spend days being lazy, curled on my couch with my computer and doing absolutely nothing. Then I turn around and spend days cleaning, scrubbing, baking.

I have three kids that beyond their medical issues are SIBLINGS.  They scream at each other, beat each other up, then turn around and laugh and play with each other.  One minute I’m breaking up a war, the next I can’t stop the smile from their goofiness.

I am tired.  I am happy. I am me.

It’s time to stop hiding. Life isn’t always pretty – and neither am I.

But I am real, my life is real.

(Post 1 in a short series about what I, my family, and this blog are and what they will be. I’ve come to a realization over the course of this NaBlo thing this year. My blog needs more substance, more real…and that means I have to face some realities of what I’ve done, my own self-imposed limits that need to be lifted. I also have another short series planned called The Fracture Fallacy…more on that later, though 😉 )