I have depression, amongst other problems and it’s killing me slowly, but surely. I’ve taken medications and been in therapy almost all of my life.
Nothing seems to take, nothing seems to help.
I have a wife, three kids and I should for all intents and purposes, be a happy person.
But I am suffering. I feel little else but pain and loneliness.
I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t seem to be able to escape it. It’s akin to drowning, being so close to the surface yet feeling the weight pulling me back down.
I want to be happy, to enjoy my family, to enjoy life, and be a happy, productive, positive person.
I seem to infect everything I do with my doom and gloom, my job, my friendships, my marriage, my kids, the list goes on. I suspect my wife is tiring of me. I think my kids are growing apart from me. I can barely function at work without causing problems. My friends don’t want me around because of my negativity and gloom.
I’m at the end of my rope.
I have been suicidal in years past, the most recent last year. I was in a group therapy class for a while which really helped, and some new meds that I really thought were working.
But my meds crashed hard on me, which they all do invariably. Tried several others this fall, had a myriad of bad side effects, so I decided (after discussing it with my Dr.) that I needed a medication break. I haven’t had one in several years and I have bouncing from medicine to medicine. But this leaves me in my bleak state, and barely able to function normally.
I think at some point I am feeling sorry for myself (or so some people tell me), that I am just wallowing in my misery. But I WANT out, I don’t want to stay like this anymore. I also think that if I dismiss my problems as feeling sorry for myself, I may not be accepting that I have a truly crippling disease. It’s chronic. It won’t kill me, but it will make me wish I was I dead. It will not eat my physical body like cancer. Instead it will feed on my soul until there is just a husk left, no personality or self anymore, just a mess of quirks and poor decisions, unlovable or unwanted.
Does anyone understand this? Do I feel alone for a reason? Or is it just self pity?
I have had a lot of people tell me that I just need to stand up and be strong. To read self help books. To suck up my weaknesses and stop feeling sorry for myself. I literally don’t know where I stop or start anymore. Where I belong in the world. I know that I need to be with my family, but I don’t want to drag them down to my depths of despair.
And that is where I am.
In despair.
I accept and own all of my actions as a result of my problems. I don’t advance at work. I don’t provide well financially for my family.
I am not the husband or father I want to be.
I am not the person I want to be, seen as someone who is likable and respectable.
Who am I? Where am I?
*Written by my husband Erik. He has spent the past year in deep struggle to regulate his depression/bi-polar/ADD issues – including a myriad of diagnoses & medications. Right now he is in a very dark place and has written this. With his permission, I post it. Please offer him as much support as you can.
I don’t know you, but I feel compelled to respond.
Depression LIES to you. It tells you you aren’t worthy, that you’re not good enough, that everyone would be better off without you. And it LIES. Your family needs you and loves you. They want you to get better. They know that this isn’t YOU, that it’s the depression.
I don’t have any words to offer you to make it better. I would encourage you to go back to your doctor, or another doctor, and keep seeing someone until you hear your voice and the voices of your family louder than the voice of depression. Because I know that your family wants you and needs you and you are more than just this!
I’ve been through depression. However, it was not chronic like yours. About 10 years ago I was going through a really tough time. I’d started having panic attacks. I slept a lot. I was so down, and no matter what I did, I couldn’t perk back up. I was failing my classes in college because I was skipping them, and when I attended I couldn’t focus at all. I finally went to a counselor and she suggested I try some anti-depressive medicine. I resisted, but then figured I’d not lose anything by trying. Through the counseling sessions and the medication, I realized my depression was caused by anxiety. Apparently I was “over thinking” and over-absorbing emotions from people around me. I had no emotional boundaries. Other people in my life were going through a hard time, and I was soaking in their hurt feelings and despair.
I actively followed the counselor’s advice. I kept attending our regular sessions (started as twice weekly, then weekly, then biweekly, etc.), and about 6 months later I felt like a new woman.
I realize that I’m not the norm. I realize it’s not that easy to just turn the thoughts and feelings around, especially if it’s a chronic thing and your mind is built that way. I’m lucky that I’m natually a happy, optimistic person. My counselor told me that what happened to me is I had gotten so down and depressed that my brain was “stuck” in that mindset.
I really don’t know what to say to you other than sharing a little of my story. At the time I was going through that, I was in college with no spouse or children or anything to even worry about, yet I was totally and utterly depressed. It was baffling.
You wife and children matter. You said yourself you have a good life and “should” be happy. One of the things my counselor drilled into me is to banish the word “should.” She explained that it absolutely diminishes everything.
My only advice- fake it. Fake the happiness. Fake the smile. Tell yourself you are happy and actively try to feel it. The mind is a mysterious thing, but so many research studies find that optimism is healing. I went from sad and depressed, and that morphed into “I don’t give a sh*t” and anger, and eventually it made its way to neutral/calm and finally, happy. It’s intense. It’s worth it.
I wish you love and peace.
I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties. My husband struggled similarly, until he went back to school to become a doctor of Oriental medicine. The things he learned about acupuncture, Chinese herbal formulas, and other complementary modalities have helped him find, if not exactly a happy place, then at least an even keel, where it’s possible for him to pursue and accomplish his goals. One thing he learned through one of his continuing ed courses related to carbohydrate addiction, which interrupts all kinds of normal hormonal flows, too. Putting himself on a low-carb diet has helped him not only lose 92 pounds, but has had another kind of positive impact on his mood and mental health.
All the best to you as you search for your solution to this soul-numbing problem.
I don’t have the answers. I wish I did sweetie. I know depression is horrible and it can such you in and weigh you down. Just know that you have people that love and support you.
Erik, I so wish there was magic cure. After a long struggle, I found a medication that worked for me. It is a blessing. I am going to show this to my husband and see if this is how he feels. He struggles with words to express himself, which you have done a beautiful job.
I wish you well. I will pray for your breakthrough. I hope that you find something that works.
And as a side note, please please do not harm yourself. I was left behind by someone very dear to me. It left a hole in me that will never be filled. Don’t do it to your family. They love you despite your flaws.
my world is different from yours. and it’s embarrassing to me to say what i’m about to say, but perhaps it will help you. you’ve a wife and children who love you. they do. because they know YOU. not the person you see in the mirror, but the man that you ARE. when i bother with myself, when i make the effort (which is rare, but i’m forty, and most of the time i just don’t care to do it) i’m told how pretty i look, that i look like a model, that look ten years younger… blah blah blah. and right now, i’m sitting in my pajamas. i’ve not even brushed my teeth today, and it’s almost two. and in an hour, i’ll have to give a crap about my face and physique and mask the ugliness inside me enough that i can do what’s expected of me at work.
but i’m losing the will to fight. i’ve never danced with a man; it’s rare that one gets passed second base. it’s never happened that one’s gotten past third. i’ve never dated one for more than a year. i’ve never known that a man was in love with me. and i know, i KNOW there are plenty of reasons one should be. i just can’t seem to convince anyone of this.
you are wanted and needed and loved. let THIS be the thing that saves you.