by Sarah | Mar 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
*~*
A few weeks ago I posted about my ability to hold a grudge.
One phrase has stuck in my head since I wrote that surprisingly cathartic post:
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
In my attempts to get into that Oola state, I was more focused on “this is toxic, cut it out” than HOW I was taking action. By writing it down, my brain latched onto it in a way I didn’t expect.
Then something wonderous happened.
I filled a few grudges with helium.
Initially I likened it to an epiphany…but I don’t think it was. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was that phrase working its way through my mind. Helping me to process some of the feelings I’d been holding onto so tight.
I realized that I’d chopped at that toxic relationship and received nothing in return. Nobody bothered to miss me…
But then…I never thought about if my actions…or inaction, as it were…might have hurt them just as much.
I saw only my side. My pain. My anger. My suffering.
I caught glimpses of happiness in their life and I was bitter that my departure had no effect on that happiness.
The moment I saw what I’d done, how I’d acted and reacted, that grudge expanded with helium. It went from being a dense boulder to a much lighter load.
I’m not saying it’s gone, floated away in the breeze.
It’s still there, but it’s bobbing along with me as I work my way through the rest of my feelings with less pain and anger.
I’m able to say “I miss you” without any malice or bitterness.
I can mean the words.
I can truly miss someone, and not want to re-enter the relationship.
In some cases, maybe I do want to build on the relationship again. In some cases, I have.
I don’t have to.
And that is oddly freeing to know.
I’m feeling much lighter now with fewer boulders, and more balloons.
One day I know a few of them will float away completely. I may not even realize they’ve gone until they’re well out of sight.
And that is just fine.
Because I’ve gone from a brutal axing, to a departure of love.
by Sarah | Mar 12, 2019 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Blogging Life, Redefining Perfect, Top Ten Tuesday
Continuing our countdown of my dream family vacations, we hit #4 on the list…
An Alaskan Cruise
Okay, okay…this one is kind of a cheat of a two-in-one. Honestly, it doesn’t HAVE to be Alaska for the cruise part, I’d take any cruise, really…BUT…if I had to pick one that would be my top choice to go on first, it would be this one – and not just because I don’t require a passport to do it.
I’ve long wanted to go on an Alaskan Cruise specifically. Even though I’m opposed to cold weather anymore – the beauty and wonder of Alaska still pulls me in. I’ve seen so many pictures of Alaskan cruises on my perusal of the internet that I’m truly fascinated by the sights to be seen. The glaciers alone would be worth it…but all around the state is a beautiful sight to be seen…even if I’d never want to live there.
The cruise portion is a no-brainer, though. The food, the activities, everything about a cruise is something I’m all on board for. My parents have been on like 20, but I’ve never been on one. I had one planned for my honeymoon…but ended up cancelling that (stupid, stupid, stupid). I want a chance to do it all.
Have you ever been on an Alaskan Cruise? Or any cruise for that matter? What was your favorite part?
by Sarah | Mar 11, 2019 | All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All of Us, Blogging Life, Redefining Perfect
When I started this blog, they were toddlers.
Off and on the past ten+ years I’ve posted about them, their special needs, our struggles…everything.
Now?
My oldest is legally able to drink.
My girls?
They’re teenagers.
A couple of weeks ago, I snapped a picture of a piece of Molly’s artwork and posted it on Social Media as I have for ages…since Kennedy first displayed her amazing talent.
Molly chastised me when she found out. “No! I did not give you permission to put that on social media!!”
And it hit me…
They are autonomous now. They have some internet savvy, and much still to learn, but they are now capable of telling me NO.
I want to foster that strength of character. Especially in my young daughters. I want them to be fierce and proud and in control of their own wants and needs.
They aren’t babies any longer. While I’m still their mother and have a modicum of control over their life – I no longer have control of their social image here on my blog, facebook, instagram, or any other social media. They have every right to tell me NO, I can’t post that.
I have to give them the right to use that right. I have to let them sit in their own power. I have to ask permission. Always.
Their body, their minds, their abilities are their own.
In my mind sometimes it’s hard for me to comprehend how mature they have become. They are no longer my “Babies”…they aren’t as immature or young for their age as they’ve always seemed before…they are now growing into their true selves.
I am going to foster that.
So you may “see” less of them. The timing is good as I’d begun to adjust the meaning of this blog and what it is for me lately.
That is their right.
They are strong girls.
Long live the Girl Power!
by Sarah | Mar 9, 2019 | All of Us, Blogging Life, BlogRollin', Redefining Perfect
This was a busy month of posts that really caught my attention…so without further ado, I’m getting on with the show!
*~*
There seems to be a theme running through my old school bloggers feeds right now. The “oof” we are all feeling…puberty. We are feeling the pain, joy, turmoil, and evolution of our babies growing up.
Brittany, Herself talks about that all important first step on a young man’s journey in Boy, Shave Your Face.
Lindsay from Suburban Turmoil, having been through the teen years with her step-daughters, and heading into it again with her youngest, gives some beautiful, sage advice on How to Survive the Teenage Years.
A friend of mine linked this post on How to Help Teenage Girls Reframe Anxiety and Strengthen Resilience – and I’ve bookmarked it to read and re-read as a mom with some anxiety, married to a man with many anxieties and knowing our middle child has a fair few of her own.
I swear, the entire internet is aware my girls have hit puberty and is commiserating with me. Or maybe we just all got into blogging when our kids were the same age (i.e. babies) and we’ve just all grown up together. Misery really does love company, because it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
*
A few more posts I’ve loved this month…
Ali has a lovely post about less-editing/more truth with her post Dark Raccoon Eyes and All.
Liz once again proves we have tons in common with her post, Yup. I’m One of Those Disney People.
Once again Jenny (The Bloggess) makes me both laugh and cry.
First up, she talks a very serious, and all too familiar subject with me. Have the Talk. (Not THAT talk…the other one)
Then she makes me giggle when she exposes a deeply humbling encounter she had…
Lastly this month…this review of Captain Marvel over at Geek Mom was so good it made me almost want to watch the movie…and I’ve sworn off superhero movies for a while. (Burned out)
**
That’s it for now. I’m keeping my eye out for more.
If you think I missed YOURS, let me know in a comment here! I’d love to find some new feeds for my reader!
by Sarah | Mar 8, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Friday Feels, Parkinsons, Redefining Perfect, Special Needs, Story of Me
Once upon a time, there was a young woman whose family moved her halfway across the country. For years after they traversed the familiar path back “home” for visits with family and old friends. Along that familiar path, many traditions were formed. The start of every road trip with a Journey album. The swapping of control of the radio. The games of License plate and alphabet.
Then there was the Tale of the Tuttles of Tuttle Crossing. Tonya, Tina, Tasha, Tony, Tom, Travis, and the like. All started the day father and daughter spotted Tasha on her horse Tennesee Tuxedo.
Years passed, the trips slowed, and faded into occasional jaunts. The young woman and her family made several moves around the country before all managed to find their way back to that podunk town and settle in. The trips had since all but stopped except for funerals. The daughter married and moved out.
Then the father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
Parkinson’s does much more than rob a persons muscle control.
It robs them of their brain little by little.
It robs them of themself.
It’s ugly.
Nasty.
Hateful.
**
Several years ago I realized that the man I’ve loved my whole life was no longer really my dad.
Hallucinations and dementia caused by Parkinson’s had taken the control freak of a father I grew up with (seriously, every minute of vacation was planned)…and turned him impulsive and…it’s hard to describe unless you’ve lived it, which I’m sure many of you have.
It’s just not the same person.
Then, one day a few months ago I spotted a familiar name among the hundreds of names I see every week at work.
Tuttle.
It sparked a smile in me, and I impulsively texted my dad to tell him I had just seen a Tuttle.
This triggered a back and forth texting frenzy of sorts speaking once again of Tasha, Tonya, their Grandfather Theodore, and Uncle Titus…and “let’s not forget their Native American descendant Tonto Tuttle…”
I laughed, I cried.
For five minutes of rapid-fire text exchanging I had my dad back. Our joking and laughing on those 9 hour road trips. Our anticipation of reaching “Tuttle Crossing” in Ohio every single time. For the joke that never got old.
I laughed…and I cried…
For a moment…he was there.
Recently, he forgot my sons name.
His golden boy, his favorite grandson, his first grandson whom he himself named.
Now I live for those moments.
Even if I have to go back in time to find them. I will. For as long as I can.
*~*
