Sometimes it’s easy to ignore it all. To push aside the stress, the fear, the worry.
“The appointment is a month away,” you tell yourself. You think there’s no point in stressing now.
After all there’s not a damn thing you can do.
And things go smooth. You almost forget.
Then the moment happens.
Out of the blue you remember what you tried to forget. A reminder phone call for an appointment. A simple glance at the calendar.
And all the fear and stress you’ve shoved aside checks you into the boards rougher than any hockey player.
***
One week from today there are two big doctor’s appointments. Both on the same day. Both with the same doctor.
**
Angel will have her functions checked again. If she doesn’t bring her numbers up, our Christmas may be spent in the hospital. We will also be discussing having a full genotype run on her to determine her exact CF gene combo (as the original bloodwork did not turn up her genomes in the ‘standard’ for CF).
**
Brandon is also meeting the pulmonologist for the first time. He will have another sweat chloride test run (if Angel’s evolution is any indication 2+ tests = diagnosis). He will have blood work run (possibly a genotype for him as well). The doc will discuss his history and determine what other testing he needs.
**
I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I try to focus instead on keeping insanely busy for the holidays.
Then it hits.
One week from this minute I may have 2 CF kids instead of 1.
Or not.
I may be trying to figure out if the genotypes will be covered by insurance and if not, how to afford them.
There’s a lot of unknowns. I hate unknowns.
I don’t know how to help a grown child that’s always been healthy come to grips with a CF diagnosis.
Angel, well, she’s growing up with it…it’s already normal for her. Brandon grew up without major issues.
December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)
I found a community right in my own backyard. Twice-over.
First was literally in my own yard. My neighborhood spent another summer outside. Nearly every night, definitely every weekend we could be found in each others yards. Chatting, (more than) sometimes drinking, laughing. Our kids played together. Our community deepened.
Then there’s the Indy Blogging community. I always knew there were a few, and all that I had met were nice…but I never felt enmeshed in the community. In the past few months I’ve gotten more involved, and have grown to absolutely love the blogging community here in Indy. I mean, with people like Cherie, Casey, Emily and Shireen (just to mention a few, believe me, there are a LOT more)…what’s NOT to love?
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)
This question has taunted and teased me since I first read it yesterday. Any attribute I thought of as ‘different’ suddenly didn’t seem so different when I thought about it.
I’m creative – but so are many others.
I burn my creativity on everyone else, rarely making things for myself – but really, don’t we all know generous people?
Archie calls me the nurturer. I never dye my hair (I don’t even pluck my gray/whites). I never pluck my brows (my one feature I love as it is). I never take a compliment (i.e. I have a hard time believing them). I take on too much and then panic and rush to get it all done. I’ve been through things I never talk about…painful things that only 1 or 2 people know about (something I’m trying to change. Some things need to be addressed). I hate making phone calls (not sure why, just makes me uncomfortable), I prefer online communication – I’m better at writing words than speaking them aloud. I’m the first to admit that somewhere along the way I lost the ability to communicate and associate with my own family – and I have NO idea why (another thing I’m attempting to correct). I have a compulsion to lie, when there is no reason to, that I have to force myself to curb on a regular basis (and fear my son is adopting the same bad habit). I always have to get the mail, if I don’t, or I’m going to be late and have to think about someone else getting it, I get the shakes (weird, I know). I don’t have enough patience. I cling to the past (good times and bad) tighter than I should. My mind never stops running, to the point of annoying my husband with my apparent lack of focus (multi-taskers unite….no less than 3 things going at once – ever).
Not one of these things make me different.
But that makes me no less beautiful. I often forget how to feel beautiful…but my husband always reminds me.
December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)
What isn’t amazing about that?! Casey had a Just Dance 2 Party last month, and it was SO much fun! I’m telling you, the Indy Bloggers are a hoot & a half! (That’s Hoosier-talk for, they are SO AWESOME)
Of course, there was also the Verizon Wireless party hosted by Cherie. That was another great party…great food, great company (hey, I figured out where I’d be getting my first ever tattoo…once I do another bucket list item crossed of!)…AND we all got Droid’s to try out for the holidays!! I do plan on telling you all about mine soon – I’m still trying to come to terms with how I’m going to let it go in a couple of weeks 🙁
After the past couple of months…I’m looking forward to more parties with these great women…2011 should be great!
Except when it’s our ‘perfect’ sensibilities that have been offended.
We would NEVER assume.
Except when we are facing something we believe to be a slight against us.
****
In recent weeks I’ve begun to face a hard fact about myself.
I claim to be the one always looking on the bright side. Finding the silver lining.
In some ways that might be true.
But in many others, it’s not. In many other ways I’m ugly. I’m bitter. I’m thrusting grudges that should have been released years ago off on innocent bystanders. I’m assuming looks mean one thing when they might have meant something else.
I assume that someone is a (B)Witch that instantly disliked me and felt herself better. That I was once again ‘not good enough’ for the ‘cool’ crowd.
Only to realize months or years later that I may have inadvertently hurt that person without fully thinking about what I said before I prattled on needlessly about a ‘funny’ story that wasn’t so funny to them.
I’ve judged others around me, been nasty and snarky when it’s likely I didn’t know them at all.
After years of being so ‘good’ with my speech around my eldest (‘We never say shut up’, bad language was never used)…my daughters use phrases like “What the hell?” and “Dammit” frequently.
****
When did I get so ugly and jaded? Just because the past few years have been hard, difficult for us? Because we have so many struggles?
That doesn’t give me a right to turn a blind eye to others struggles. To ignore the fact that they have difficulty too. To assume based on my own painful past that others are judging me…when my assumption of their judgement is a judgement in itself.
***
I want to be better.
I need to be better for my girls.
I don’t want them to feel ugly like I do.
I want them to be more beautiful than I could ever be. They’ve already got a great head start on me…
****
A partial continuation of my I Am Real post. More coming soon, I hope.
I stole my hubby’s SD card out of his phone so that I could goof off w/ my Droid’s camera apps (which I sort of had been dying to do). So I took a few goofy shots while playing with the retro cam…
Totally Goofy *I look as sick as I felt at the time I took this photo (say hello to strep), but I still really like it for some strange reason.
It’s in the eyes *I love that in this pic my eyes look almost as big as Angel’s (they aren’t, but they look it :D).
Silly ME *I loved this one enough to make it my new site photo & twitter avatar.
**** Head on over to check out who else is flipping out:
Sometimes it’s easy to ignore it all. To push aside the stress, the fear, the worry.
