by Sarah | Jan 21, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Me, Crap, Hypotonia
Which is really hypocritical of me because I constantly give Archie grief for blaming himself. It isn’t his fault…and it isn’t my fault…and our brains know this…but our hearts bleed.Â
His heart bleeds because Brandon was the ‘perfect’ child. He was never really sick (a minor bowel issue until 3yo, but otherwise) – Brandon is neurotypical. ARchie is not biologically his father. Our two special needs children are his biological children. He draws the line of coincidence and though his head tells him that it isn’t his fault…his heart aches and bleeds thinking it was somehow his fault – his genes that did it.
For me, it’s an old vice. One that still haunts me…and one that I abused when I was pregnant…not with Brandon, and not with Riley…but with Angel…
I smoked until I was five and a half months pregnant with her. In my (very weak) defense I hadn’t the foggiest idea I WAS pregnant (seriously I REALLY had no idea…both me and my OB were shocked)…but I was, and I did.Â
I had my first cigarette at 11. At 16 I really started smoking – and started hard with reds. I smoked off an on for years. I’ve always had a knack of just deciding one day that I’d quit and that would be it – for months and years at a time. When I started drinking (at 18), I’d almost always have at least one cigarette when I drank – which worked since it was only once every few months. But I was a horrible social smoker…when others smoked, I joined. Working in food service – a LOT of food service workers smoke…so when I started waitressing after Riley was born, I started smoking – like a frickin’ chimney.Â
Truth be told, with all three of my kids I smoked right up until the day I found out I was pregnant. Brandon I stopped as soon as I saw the test – and never looked back, in fact they made me sick. With Riley, I quit before I knew I was pregnant…they just made me nuts, so did alcohol (not that I was ever addicted to that).Â
But when I got pregnant with Angel, I had no idea I was pregnant. I was using three forms of birth control (four if you count the new-parent exhaustion-created near-abstinence). I was working at Bob Evans (yum) and smoking like a chimney with my friends and coworkers.Â
I’ve always felt guilt about it – but pushed it aside as best as I could.Â
But when I hear the doctors say “Something happened neurologically while she was in utero. Something minor, but enough to cause this…” As they have since we first started looking for reasons for her left-sided weakness. Every time I hear “neurological event” and “in utero” – I blame myself.Â
And my heart bleeds.Â
And bleeds…
And tonight…my heart bleeds…and again I blame myself…
by Sarah | Jan 16, 2009 | All About Kennedy, Crap
The door is locked, the answers behind. The locks tease me by being on my side, but I have no keys for the padlocks, no crowbar to pull away the boards.
Peace is on the other side.
Answers.
I’m begining to think I will never find the keys. I will never see the other side of the door. Nobody has answers – everyone declares her unique. The one and only ‘answer’ we have is not cut and dried – it is confusing and unsure.
One more chance for a key has presented itself – but I hesitate. Should I take the gamble only to end up feeling hopeless and hollow again? On the small chance that this doctor may have that key? I don’t know that I have the energy, or faith in the doctors any longer. They have no more answers than I – and I have something they don’t…I’m her Mom.
by Sarah | Jan 14, 2009 | All About Kennedy, Hypotonia
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Today I have a valid reason for my complaining and picking at my Angel’s faults…so does that make it complaining and picking? I’ll pretend it doesn’t (don’t tell me otherwise if it isn’t…I’m feeling so good about this *G*).
Tomorrow (Thursday) is Angel’s appointment with her new Orthopaedist at the children’s hospital where her pulm is located. I’m excited, and anxious…worried that I’ll be let down again. So, in preparation I’m making a list (of compaints) to present to the doctor. You get the privilege of reading that list ;) Lucky you, right?
So here’s my best compilation, hopefully I won’t forget anything…
- PT notes state her spatial awareness is still off – making her a possible danger to herself.
- PT notes also state she still prefers her right side for balance and strength.
- PT notes lastly state that she demonstrates bilateral hip weakness.
- At home we’ve noticed a visible difference in the length/size of her legs. It used to be minor and you really had to look and get her lying perfectly straight – now we can see it from across the room – and her feet are officially different sizes.
- Could this be causing scoliosis? It’s genetic in the family, I’m worried that this can make it come on sooner and stronger for her. My mother has a hump in her back hers is so severe (mine is more minor – thank goodness for dance).
- Changing her diaper has always been a nightmare, she hates having her legs/hips bent.
- Now pushing her knees to her chest causes complaint/full blown fit. It appears like her hips make her uncomfortable.
- She is showing improvements, but is it compensating improvements or actual improvements?
I’m sure I’m forgetting something…I’ll update as I go…if I remember, or Archie reminds me of something.  Wish us luck tomorrow…we’re going to need it! I was so disappointed in the last ortho, I’m afraid I’m a bit negatively biased ahead of time.
by Sarah | Jan 10, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly, Crap
Because I missed yesterday’s post because of my FANTABULOUS* webhost – you get a twofer today!Â
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First an update on Hell (or potty training).
Yesterday I leared that the secret of potty training is in the underwear. When I went grocery shopping on Thursday night I swung by Wally’s baby dept to pick up some diapers and big girl underwear. At home I knew we had Dora and generics…but I was prepared to get the same – until I saw them. “My Little Pony” underwear. The girls have recently gotten into their ponies so I snatched up a set of them.
Yesterday morning I started. I showed them to Angel and got her on the potty. After a while she went and we got up. She started walking around pinching her knees together within about 10 minutes and went back on. It was on and off for a few hours….but she had no accidents at all yesterday. She went on the potty several times. She hasn’t learned to cue me, we’re still going on on my determination, but she’s on the right track.
To add to the mix, Riley decided she REALLY wanted in on those pony panties…and started sitting on the potty, too! We talked Daddy into going to Wally’s and picking up some for her…and he found TINKERBELL! Riley’s new PJ’s are Tinkerbell, so she’s all over that.Â
So Daddy came home with Tinkerbell panties and a new potty chair so we could do both girls at once. Riley had two accidents yesterday, but overall did well- and Angel had no accidents. We’re going to stick with it over the weekend and pray for the best!
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A brief update here on what’s going on with this.Â
1. For Body Image I managed to work out 3X (so far) this week. I’m heading down to the gym in a couple of hours. I learned that I can do yoga, pilates and the ball alternating here at home, but I crap out on cardio. Going to the gym gives me a way to do that AWAY from here (i.e. an excuse to get away) – without being annoyed by too peppy hosts. Give me an elliptical!
2. For Finances: First week of living on a budget was tough. We aren’t used to saying “No, can’t buy it I have $5 left.” The end result was happy, though. It looks like at the end of the month we’ll have a little cash in savings.
3. For Home & Family: We had sit down dinners I think 3 times this week (I didn’t keep track). I made dinner (taking pics of some of it) and cleaned as I went – the kitchen stayed mostly clean 3 out of 5 days. We had family game night just last night. For the cleaning portion, I found and adjusted for myself a chore list. I haven’t fully put it into effect, but I had Archie laminate it so I can reuse it. It will become a habit eventually, but it’s something I’m working toward.
That’s it for the week. Overall I’m very happy with the baby steps I’ve taken. Hopefully they will continue on.Â
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*And by FANTABULOUS I mean awful, horrible, no good, very bad…I’m very unhappy with them at the moment…and unless I’m granted a free year I’ll be taking the terrifying leap of trying a new host.Â
by Sarah | Jan 7, 2009 | All About Kennedy, All About Molly, Crap
Thus is where we are.
Riley -Â our beautiful, bright, intelligent, STUBBORN almost-4-year-old absolutely refuses to potty train.
Does she know what she’s doing and when she’s doing it? YOU BETCHA.
Does she do anything about it? HELL NO.
So…figuring that her stubborness combined with everything else would keep her refusing until she was darn good and ready we gave up (all except to ask if she’s going – to which she ALWAYS replies “no”)…which leaves me changing wet and poopy pull-ups 5-6 times a day – not to mention paying for them (Oy).
In turn, I look to my youngest. Angel – almost 3 now. We’ve had more on and off success with her than with Riley. We can catch her w/ a dry diaper and toss her on the potty and she’ll go.Â
So this week, amidst all of my other personal goals and challenges I decided that she would get trained – SOON. I’m sick of changing (and paying for) TWO kids in diapers. I’m so over them.
*Archie, honey, this is where you cover your eyes and ignore the rest of the post*
Today I decided to try the no diaper tactic. We’ve tried it before with an epic fail…so today I attempted again with just one kid – Angel.
In return we have ended up spending 90% of the day on the potty – I swear the kid pees every five minutes. We’ve had only two accidents – but I credit that her being on the toilet SO much.
By lunchtime she’d been on the potty most of the morning and gone about 15 times there (but no #2), twice on my floor (I was ready with the mop bucket and a towel).Â
They will retire to “nap time” (i.e. playing in their bedroom) so that I can have a “break” and get some cleaning done…and then I’ll return to it after nap until Archie returns from work.
Tomorrow Angel has school, and I’ll have them start her in school training as well. But I’ll probably be VERY sore and cranky tomorrow (dental work being done) so I doubt I’ll do this tomorrow – but I will return to it on Friday.Â
Oy.
P.S. Keep my BFF Jess in your thoughts today. She goes in for knee surgery at 2:45 and is VERY nervous and scared.
by Sarah | Dec 23, 2008 | All About Kennedy, Crap, Holidays
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As the holiday approaches, my concern grows. Will we manage to see a happy and joyous Christmas with my family?Â
Riley has healed, though she is once again PAINFULLY thin (she’s lost 2 pounds in the past 2 months – pounds she didn’t have to spare in the first place). She is joyous and rambunctious and pestering the HECK out of Mommy.
Angel is not yet out of the woods. Despite a brief respite on Saturday at Archie’s family Christmas thing…Angel has still spent much time like this:
Today, after a week of being sick w/ no fever…she spiked a fever up to at least 101.3 by ear (I do not trust our thermometer), and she had a rash. The rash started on Saturday on her face, appearing in such a way we didn’t realize what it was. Today it covered her upper arms and both cheeks. After nap her cheek looked bruised and swollen from it.
Now is when I start to worry. When panic creeps into my consciousness. When at the edges of my awareness is that occassional cough and the definite change in attitude.
Because as much as I love her, Angel is NOT the type to just lie still in your arms for hours on end…which she has spent the past 4 days (at least) doing with either Archie or myself. That’s what worries me most of all.
When will I get my baby back? Will she be here for Christmas? Or are we destined for this to get worse still?
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