The Occasional Mourning

by | Apr 17, 2012 | All About Me, Story of Me

[flickr id=”7034055449″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]On December 9th, 2006 I had a full hysterectomy of my remaining reproductive organs.  This happened 7 years after a right ooferectomy (let’s loosely call it an ooferectomy as technically there wasn’t any ovary left).

This was not voluntary. It was classified ’emergency’ – and happened just 10 days after the ultrasound revealed what I suspected, I had another non-functioning cyst.  It had happened before – to my right ovary.  A non functioning cyst that had been discovered in April of 1997 grew into a 5lb mass that completely obliterated my ovary.  So when this cyst first appeared we treated for it, but instead of shrinking it grew.  The emergency hysterectomy was scheduled.

By that point I had my 3 children. All that I ever wanted. I was ready to stop being surprised by pregnancies – and to stop that other regular hassle that all women have. My regular visitor had always been a painful mess, even when in peak health. I sure wouldn’t miss that (or the expense of it).

I was fine with it.  Menopause? Pshaw. I’m ready. Sign me up for that surgery.

I’m still okay with it.

I have random bouts of hating menopause. What it’s done to my body. The hot flashes, oh the hot flashes.

Still, I’m good with it.

But every once in a while.

On the days when I see how big my girls are now. On the days when I see how removed my teen has become.  On days when I see a tiny baby, so small and sweet.  Or I remember the feeling of being pregnant.

Then, in the quiet moments – that is when I mourn.

Not because we could have had more (we couldn’t – not financially feasible at all). Not because I wanted more.

Because the choice is gone.  The days are passed.  I miss the days when the possibility was there. I miss the wonder, the joy.

We are set, our family is complete. We’ve known it all along.

Yet in small, almost infinitesimal doses, I mourn.

Be a Dyngus

by | Apr 16, 2012 | Challenge, I Am Polish, Trifecta, Writing

[flickr id=”7084174865″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] We bring out the pussy willows.

They don’t understand.

An ancient tradition to be sure, but it always brings a second glance. Begs explanation.

We bring forth the water (and water guns). We drink, we splash, we laugh.

They still don’t understand.

We drink Bloody Mary’s and eat Platzek for breakfast. Kielbasa for lunch. Galumpki’s for dinner (with copious amounts of beer, of course).

They still don’t understand – but they sure don’t care anymore.

We dance the polka from morning til night.

We observe the grandest Dyngus Day in years. Without the bitter temps to try to douse our fun – the city is more alive than ever.

The Buffalo Polish – we know how to party.

*~*~*~*

I’m back in the Trifecta Writing Challenge .  Where we are supposed to submit a piece of writing between 33 and 333 words using the third definition of the chosen word.  The word this week was “observe”.  Considering Dyngus Day just happened last week (and I had to miss it) I thought I would celebrate by-proxy.

ob·serve verb \əb-ˈzərv\

1: to conform one’s action or practice to (as a law, rite, or condition) : comply with

2: to inspect or take note of as an augury, omen, or presage
3: to celebrate or solemnize (as a ceremony or festival) in a customary or accepted way

The Time Warp

by | Apr 15, 2012 | All About Denver, All About Family, All About Me, Crap, The Teenager

[flickr id=”7082358983″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Twenty years ago it was me. Standing in the kitchen facing up for teenage versions of crimes. For lies.

Tonight in the oddest form of a time warp my mother’s voice transported twenty years into the future and emerged from my own lips.

“I don’t understand why you continue to lie. You always get caught. Don’t you think you should learn by now?”

I never did learn. Not for quite a few years.

I fear my son will hold onto the lies with the same stubbornness.  I want so much better for him.

Better than the strange consuming urge I once had to lie.  I never did good at rebellion. I feared the consequences of rebellion too much. I feared hurting my mother. To this day I still rarely curse in front of my parents.

My one form of rebellion was lying. It became an urge, a need.  Not until it once almost ruined my marriage did I learn to let go.

Like always I hope for better things for my children.

For now my mother’s words and the punishment of removing his distractions and pleasures one by one have to suffice. Lessons need to be learned – but each one is a blow.

Now only 20 years later can I begin to comprehend that my Mom told the truth when she said “This hurts me as much as it hurts you.”

Broken Eyes Everywhere

by | Apr 11, 2012 | All About Family, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly

[flickr id=”6921772250″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Before he was 2 years old, Erik had 7 surgeries on his eyes. Today he still suffers the effects. Astigmatism in both eyes, weak muscles and near-sightedness. His perscription changes every single year enough to need a perscription.

I got my first glasses in 6th grade. My eyes are too bad, but I’m nearsighted.

Denver was 7. Nearsighted.

Now it’s the girls.  In a houseful of 5, not one of us escaped the need for corrective eyewear. [flickr id=”6921772134″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”right”]

Molly is just like her daddy. Astigmatism in both eyes, near-sighted.

Kennedy is (as always) the odd-duck.  One eye is practically perfect.  The other is a mess. Astigmatism, near-sighted. Her glasses are lop-sided in correction.

I wish the girls had been able to escape this fate – but they look darn cute, don’t they?

 

A 45X45 List Revisited

by | Jan 12, 2012 | 45 before 45, All About Me

[flickr id=”5944091199″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”]Two years ago I made a 45X45 list. 45 things I wanted to do before I turned 45.

Considering this year I turned 35 (yikes) and now have about 9.5 years left at this point I thought I would revisit it.  Change up a few things and see what I can do.

Items in Red are DONE. Complete. Finito. (You know, those two little lonely items on this list).

Items in Purple are new…a change from my original goals/dreams

***********

45 X 45

  1. Take a real vacation. (Not to Buffalo, not w/ the kids)
  2. Take my kids to Disney World.
  3. See my name in print.
  4. Have a novel published.
  5. Get a degree (this is following up on a long ago promise made – I must keep it)
  6. Get back to my target weight.
  7. Take a photography class (or 2 or 3)
  8. Perform on stage again
  9. See Colorado
  10. Camp – really camp in the Rockies
  11. See Yellowstone
  12. Grow my own garden.
  13. Go to a blogger’s conference.
  14. Go to a writer’s conference
  15. Get on a regular exercise regime & stay on it for more than 3 months (Working on it. 2 months down!)
  16. Hand craft (knit, sew) 1 item for ME for a change.  (working on it)
  17. Make a complete Victorian era dress from skin out. (underthings complete, corset 50% complete)
  18. Get some crazy color in my hair (purple, blue, pink highlites/streaks)
  19. Read the Little House series aloud to my girls.
  20. Learn how to draw
  21. Remodel/redesign living room & bedrooms.
  22. Pay my house off (long shot – but I can dream)
  23. Get a car that is less than 2 years old
  24. Have my feet fixed. It’s a lifelong pain/issue. It is now starting to really hurt.
  25. Do something daring (paragliding, etc.)
  26. See the butterflies at the Indy Zoo (I always seem to miss them)
  27. Be a reenactor at Conner Prairie
  28. Organize my recipes into one place
  29. Go on a hot air balloon ride
  30. Play the piano again (translation – GET one)
  31. Ride a horse – not a trail horse. A real ride on a horse.
  32. Volunteer at Angel’s CF clinic
  33. Stop drinking pop
  34. Make my house beautiful (landscaping, decorating inside, everything)
  35. Get a tattoo (Done 7/16/11)
  36. Go on an Alaskan Cruise
  37. Go on a wine tasting (Done 10/16/10)
  38. Go white water rafting
  39. Take my husband to swim with whale sharks
  40. Fly first class
  41. Read at least 50 of the 100 Greatest Novels (I am saying the book can be from either of the 2 lists there. In total I have read 8/50 at this point)
  42. Have a real spa day
  43. Visit a real haunted location
  44. Sell a photo
  45. Visit Salem, MA

On the (Book) Shelf

by | Jan 10, 2012 | All About Me, Random

[flickr id=”6030468849″ thumbnail=”small” overlay=”true” size=”small” group=”” align=”left”] Back in March or April I decided to challenge myself. I’m attempting to be a published author, but I was reading very few books. It wouldn’t do. So I decided to push myself to read 50 books in 2011. For a while it appeared that I was going to totally leave 50 books in the dust. In October I had hit 45 books. The last 5 were supposed to be a piece of cake.

Turns out I just squeaked it out. I read the last book on December 29th and completed the challenge. I’ve set the same goal for myself in the new year.  Here’s what I read in 2011:

  1. Eat, Pray, Love.
  2. Pale Rose of England ~My review is HERE.
  3. The Nanny Diaries
  4. Awakened
  5. She’s Come Undone ~Being honest…I couldnt finish it. I disliked it that much.
  6. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime.
  7. Confessions of a Prairie Bitch ~My favorite autobio of the year. 
  8. The Perks of Being a Wallflower ~Another one I couldn’t finish. Hated the voice.
  9. Wicked ~A repeat read, but it had been YEARS. Glad I re-read.
  10. A Discovery of Witches ~Hands down, favorite book of the year. 
  11. Diary of a Mad Fat Girl
  12. The Help ~Wish I had loved it as much as so many others. Actually preferred the movie.
  13. The Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club ~Blech. Random ramblings. Didn’t care for it.
  14. Speak ~One of quite a few YA I read this year. Took my breath away.
  15. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
  16. Darkfever
  17. What’s a Ghoul to Do?
  18. Entwined
  19. The Eyre Affair
  20. What Alice Forgot ~Recommended read. I really enjoyed it.
  21. Thirteen Reasons Why ~It’s about a teen suicide. I liked it, but it’s a love it or hate it book.
  22. Moon Called (Mercedes Thompson #1) ~Loved this whole series that’s published so far…they’ll all be on this list.
  23. Still Missing ~Another recommended read. Very good.
  24. Mercy Thompson: Homecoming ~Graphic novel, mild cheat. 
  25. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children ~This was so much fun. Definitely recommend.
  26. The Surgeon
  27. Blood Bound (Mercedes Thompson #2)
  28. Looking for Salvation at the Dairy Queen
  29. Iron Kissed (Mercedes Thompson #3)
  30. My Fair Lazy
  31. When You Dare
  32. These is My Words ~Ugh. Ugh. ICK. Couldn’t finish. In the first 30 pages there is a rape of a young girl while another is held at knifepoint, a child dies, there’s an odd Indian incident followed by a major attack that kills 1/2 the adults, and makes one kid lose his leg, and then…it goes on and on…and that was JUST the first 30 pages! I get life was hard, but holy crap. 
  33. Bone Crossed (Mercedes Thompson #4)
  34. Alpha & Omega (Same author as Mercedes, new series)
  35. Silver Borne (Mercedes Thompson #5)
  36. Dark Lover
  37. Room
  38. The Princess Bride
  39. River Marked (Mercedes Thompson #6)
  40. Arcadia Falls ~Good. Not my favorite of the year, but the mystery holds. 
  41. Freak Magnet
  42. Nightshade
  43. Cry Wolf (Alpha & Omega #1)
  44. Trace of Fever
  45. Still Alice ~VERY emotional. DO NOT read if you know someone w/ Alzheimers.
  46. If you Ask Me, And Of Course you won’t ~Love Betty White. Wanted to LOVE this. It was ok.
  47. On Writing ~Not a Stephen King fan in general, but this was great to read as a writer.
  48. Crazy, Sexy Diet
  49. Bossypants ~As I was afraid of…after all the hype I was let down by this. Sure, I LOL’d at a few points, but it wasn’t as hilarious as everyone told me it was.
  50. Wake
Whew…What a list!  Granted there were a few books I couldn’t finish. Honestly up until this year I have never set down a book and walked away. I felt incapable of it.  This year I just had to.  I think the biggest disappointment was “These is my words” because I’d been looking forward to reading it forever…and it was so horrible.  Ah well.
So for this year I need to find new books!!  I just read “Orange is the New Black” and I’m currently in the midst of “The Night Circus”.  What books do you recommend?  I’ll add them to my list!!
(P.S. You can see my full ratings of these books over at my GOODREADS page)