by Sarah | Feb 10, 2011 | All About Me, Crap, Special Needs
Way back when this picture was taken I sure thought I was. (Picture credit goes to my mom who had the fancy camera way back then…in FILM *Gasp*)
Back, 11 years ago, when Brandon was only 2. When I only had the one. When my co-parent was my own parents. When the biggest problem I dealt with was chronic BM issues (yeah, he’ll kill me if he ever reads this). When he was cute and adorable and obedient and kind and polite.
When life was “easy”.
Now there are three.
There is school. Homework. Teachers. Doctors. Specialists. Special Medicines. Bills. Cleaning. THREE kids. Doctors. THREE kids. Quirks. Hospitals. Marriage. Home repairs. Car maintenance. Cleaning. THREE kids.
Oh, did I repeat myself once or twice? Yeah. I know.
I don’t want to use the term “bad mother”…because, you know…it’s such a debate trigger.
Sometimes, though. Sometimes I look at myself and I see that I’m not good at this.
I don’t have patience.
I don’t have answers.
I don’t do the things that you’re supposed to. I love to read to myself, but get bored reading to my kids (shameful, I know).
I don’t have patience.
I don’t check homework every day after school.
I always miss deadlines for snack week, permission slips, all those things.
I don’t have patience.
I don’t give my kids daily baths. Or every couple of days. (But in my defense, my baths were 1x/week)
I use the TV as a babysitter.
I’m online too much (I’m trying to do better…some days I do better than others).
I don’t have patience.
…..
Are we detecting a common theme?
Sometimes I wonder what part of my brain actually thought growing up that I would grow into this ‘perfect’ mom. I saw myself doing it all. Crafts, dinner, cleaning…the perfect little household.
My ‘perfect’ has redefined itself into something that feels far from perfect for me.
It’s a process.
I’m working on redefining myself as a mom.
To snap less. To breathe and have patience. To do more cleaning. More cooking. Making sure I’m more involved in what my kids are doing in school.
I want to feel like I’m good at being a mom. Like I DESERVE the title. EVERY day. Not just now & then.
by Sarah | Feb 8, 2011 | All About Me, Photography
This past weekend I got a haircut/color, and a new dress. I was feeling infinitely beautiful & so taking self-p’s was easier than usual:
Dead On
*I never do the whole ‘look right at the camera’ angle….
From behind
*Had to show the full 360 effect of the cut 😉
This is my angle…
More often than not
THE DRESS
I had no reason to buy it. I have nowhere to wear it. I was looking for something different when it caught my eye. I tried it on just because I liked the color. But when I put it on…I.Felt.Beautiful. I had to buy it. And I did. Now…I just need somewhere to wear it.
**** Head on over to check out who else is flipping out:
by Sarah | Feb 6, 2011 | All About Me
I’m a lot of things every day.
A wife.
A mother.
A sister. A daughter.
Housekeeper. Doctor. Therapist. Advocate. Chef. Chauffeur.
But at night. The house gets quiet.
I turn on my music.
I open my word processor.
New worlds. New people. Mayhem. Romance.
It’s where I lose myself.
Where I vent frustration.
Where I find part of my bliss.
I’m a writer.
by Sarah | Feb 4, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
I’ve been fighting the funk.
For a long time.
A really long time.
Today.
Today I’m feeling a crackle of fire.
The spark started a couple weeks ago.
I was setting a daily schedule (that went by the wayside during the storm – restarting on Monday). Despite my inherent hatred of mornings – I was getting used to the 6AM pattern. Waking up, making breakfast & lunch for Archie and Riley. Sending them both off, doing a little of my personal morning routine. Sending off Brandon to school. Finishing my morning and getting started on my day with Angel. Getting chores actually completed.
This week has been off due to the inches of ice (we estimate there is 3 inches on the top of our truck).
But today there is a definite flaring of the fire that’s been smoldering. This isn’t forced. This is real. I’ve been writing (a LOT), I got good news on my manuscript, I’m getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow, and I have a few other things to look forward to in the near future.
It feels good to be in a good place again.
I’m not out of the woods, but the sun is shining through the trees. That is definitely good.
****
P.S. I signed up for NaBloPoMo again in February. They have a theme “character”, but I probably won’t follow it too close. I am severely disappointed in the lack of posts (period, not to mention their quality) in December and January and wanted to challenge myself right back into the game. Wish me luck 😀
by Sarah | Feb 3, 2011 | All About Me
Circa (guessing here) 1983?? At our cottage in Canada.
Teeny bikini and all. It wasn’t all cuteness like this:
Circa (another guess) 1980? (81?).
Yeah, this one is less dorky. (and looks AMAZINGLY like my Angel)
OF course, than there’s this one…where my brother gets to be the dork.
Yeah, that’s better. Bro sticking out his tongue.
I’m thinking this one is 81-82ish too.
(Many thanks to my long lost Beach-pal that found me on facebook and scanned in these memories [1st & 3rd pic are from her].)
by Sarah | Jan 27, 2011 | All About Me
I’m the silver lining girl.
I feel the tug of depression sometimes…not severe, not all-consuming, but present.
Stress rips at my skin so regularly I’ve formed a thick hide.
Chaos exists in every corner of my house. From the over-filled kitchen cabinets, to the baskets of laundry not put away, to the toys strewn across my girls bedroom, even the clutter under our bed.
Yet I am still the silver lining girl.
In 98% of the cases I am able to find the good and put it out there. For myself, for my husband, for my kids. It’s a necessary part of who I am. In this world we have.
That’s who I’ve put onto this blog.
Even the past six weeks where I’ve put out there my current battle with melancholy – I still push up my positive views.
Before my world got new levels of insanity in December, I started to dive deeper into who I am. I mentioned that I had come to a realization about my blog and where I wanted to take it. I never got the chance to dive deeper into that. I’m going to.
There are things I never say.
I never talk about.
I have issues with this in my real life.
I don’t know what the switch in my head is that turns me into a bundle of nerves. So afraid to put my real feelings out in the open. What sets my mind spinning into circles, shutting my mouth so tight you couldn’t pry one word out of me. Not willing to hurt the feelings of those around me. Or suffer rejection or pain myself.
It has carried onto my blog.
Things I won’t talk about for fear of upsetting my husband. (This has been met and discussed. Once he is feeling better, both he and I will be confronting and discussing this right here on this blog).
It got worse on my blog when the internet world got smaller. When I got onto Facebook and my family started reading the blog.
Things I won’t talk about because I don’t even have the guts to talk about it to their faces. To confront things that have happened.
Part of me has always been like this. Part of me is a result of events in my life. Part is something I don’t understand about myself, hate about myself, want to make better about myself.
I don’t want there to be things I never say.
On my blog.
In my life.
Ever again.
Way back when this picture was taken I sure thought I was. (Picture credit goes to my mom who had the fancy camera way back then…in FILM *Gasp*)
