by Sarah | May 9, 2009 | All About Me, Crap
It can open up such a can of worms.
I once told the story of Alex* and how it came to be that I became single mother.Â
When I left North Carolina and eventually filed for full custody his last words to me were ugly and mean. He didn’t show up for the custody hearing, and on the advice of my lawyer I asked that if he was granted visitation that it be supervised. The judge agreed and he was granted visitation rights at a supervised location.
He never tried to see his son. He never called again, emailed again. When I sent letters to let him know of our change of address he didn’t sign – his grandparents did.Â
I had nightmares of what would happen. That one day he’d suddenly decide to see his son and my world would be torn apart.Â
HOW would I explain to my son what happened? I swore when he was a baby I would never say a cross word about his dad, and I never have. I want him to make his own decision based on the role Alex* chose to play in his life.Â
Then we grew and changed. We found Archie. The nightmares were still there, but they eased. The guilt I carried from the past eased. Brandon never asked about his real father or why his name is diferent from Archie’s. Ever.
Three months ago I was googling. I googled myself (except for my online screen name there isn’t anything about the real me out there). I googled my dad (there’s tons for him…he’s a top notch guy). My mom…not much there either.
Then I went into my past. I searched for an old friend (Kathy R, my Moe…I still cannot find you!) or two or three. Then for some unknown reason I googled him. My brain dredged up his old screen name and found him on myspace.
I went to his page. I saw pictures of him from recently. I learned where he’s living now. I saw that he’s still single…and there is no mention of his son on his myspace page. I’ve since joined facebook and he’s there, but private.Â
It reopened everything for me. The fears, the worries.
We have since talked to Brandon about it. He’s at turns distraught and confused and at others acts like nothing happened. He has many questions.
He wants to meet Alex.
I’ve lied for the first time. I told him I didn’t know where Alex is. That the picture I showed him was an old one of mine. In truth I only know the AREA Alex is and I’m sure I could find him…but I don’t want to. This is all too new, too fresh to Brandon and he needs time to process before we drag the skeletons out of the closet.
I don’t ever want to make that call. I don’t ever want him to express interest in knowing his son. I want our lives as they have been…but the info is out there and as he gets older, he’ll want to ask more questions. He’ll be able to find him all by himself.Â
I pray that I’ve raised him with enough love and happiness that nothing will change when this happens.Â
I fear daily that it will.
~~~~
*Alex is a pseudonym chosen for the sperm donor. Not his real name.
by Sarah | May 5, 2009 | All About Me, Crap
From the time I was little I’ve been warned against being a hypochondriac. My Nana was one…and I had a tendency toward it. In today’s world of the WWW that tendency can get nice and complicated with self-diagnosis via webmd and all of those wonderful sites. I have to say that overall, though – I’m pretty good at avoiding my tendency toward it.
Then again, in order to AVOID being a hypochondriac I go the opposite way and NEVER go to see the doctor.Â
Sunday afternoon I felt a burst of heartburn coming on. I don’t get it often, but a few times recently it’s reared its head. So, I went to the bathroom, threw down a couple of Tums and sat back down to relax in front of the computer.
The Tums didn’t help – in fact the pain got worse. And worse. And even worse. I stood up to get Archie and didn’t make it two steps before I collapsed onto the couch. It took four attempts for me to scream for Archie loud enough for him to hear and come inside.  The pain was excruciating and radiated through to my back. I was bawling and screaming…it was ugly and embarrassing.
After much debate I finally just told him to call the paramedics (the girls were napping, boy wasn’t home and we weren’t sure when he’d get back)…especially because I couldn’t get to the car under my own power.Â
He called the paramedics and our neighbor came across the street to start checking my vitals (he is qualified – it’s not random)…and by the time he did that and the paramedics arrived the pain was mostly subsided and I just felt nauseous.
But I got loaded into the ambulance and taken to the ER. My very adorable EMT-in-training did my IV…and I gave him an A+ because I hate having IV’s done…and I didn’t hardly feel it when he did it.
By the time I got the ER I was feeling really stupid because the pain really was pretty much all gone and I was only a little nauseous…and I was wondering if I’d just overreacted as always…
An EKG, bloodwork and ultrasound were done…and the ER doctor came in to say…
“You have a very ugly gall bladder.”
I was admitted and scheduled for surgery the next day! The doctor’s and nurses kept wondering at how I’ve never had any pain from it (I really haven’t – Sunday was my first ever attack)…and how I was sitting around smiling and joking with all of the nurses and my family. Apparently I was so filled with stones in the gall bladder and duct that I should have been in constant pain. So I was impressing everyone without even trying…
Now I’m home without my gall bladder and with 4 holes in my belly.Â
Well, at least I get to be waited on by my husband. He’s so wonderful and attentive…I should get at least 3 more good lazy days out of this!
by Sarah | Apr 9, 2009 | All About Me
As a podophobe I cannot tell you how much this story pains me to express – even about my own foot. But I figured if I was going to get back into blogging (finally) again, I might well start with a bang.
**********
Back in January I spoke of a series of assaults on the feet of our household, including my own. The object that assaulted me was the “as advertised” unbreakable Pyrex measuring cup:
It fell lip down on my big toe. It got bruised and swollen and ugly. Hubby said, “could be broken”. I wrote it off as all the doc would do is tape it and it would be all over. So I never went.
For three days it remained swollen. For a week it hurt and remained bruised. For three weeks it ached and would cause me to flinch – but gradually it started to fade.
Every time I thought it was over, it would ache again for a few days, and fade again. It was annoying, but never cause for concern.
Last week out of nowhere I started getting shooting pains through the toe and down into my foot. When I spend Sunday night on the couch with my foot in the air I begrudgingly told Archie and my BFF that I would call the podiatrist.
Today I went and met with my podiatrist (whom I love though I’ve only seen him once or twice). I was immediately taken in for x-rays and waited for the podiatrist to show up. He checked the x-rays and declared “no break.”Â
Then he asked about the pain, and had me press my toe UP as hard as I could against his finger. OW. But, I had to tell him how far up it hurt. It hurt about halfway up along the line of my EHL (tendon).
THEN he grabbed the end of my toe and bent it down. I just about jumped out of my chair.
Apparently this is all…BAD.
He says the tendon is injured. We just don’t know how bad.
Tomorrow I go for a 3-D MRI (how different from the excitement of a 3D u/s) and return to the podiatrist in one week to determine how bad it is…
I may need surgery.
Surgery! Because of a Pyrex measuring cup!
Oy.
*******
I have many reasons for being gone over the past several weeks. I will go more in depth on them over the course of the next week while I’m anxiously awaiting the results of the MRI!
by Sarah | Mar 6, 2009 | All About Me, Crap
Due to a grievous injury I stupidly caused to myself…
I’m currently hopped up on pain pills and unable to bring you the post that’s been sitting in my drafts for the past two days. It will be presented at my earliest convenience…and lucidity.
And yes, I will tell the FULL story of my own stupidity soon. seriously, you’ll laugh your a$$ off – my mother did.
by Sarah | Feb 18, 2009 | All About Me, Crap
Â
I’m sure no one noticed…but I haven’t posted in five days. This was not in my plans…but it’s what happened. The biggest reason is my life is NOT a musical…
For those that didn’t know – a little over two years ago I had my uterus and my very offensive remaining ovary wrenched from my body in what turned out to be a rather painful affair between my doctor and his scalpel (he knicked a nerve making recovery just a wee bit longer). Â
ANYWAY, it was the best thing I’ve done and I’m so thrilled to never ever have to worry about what time of the month it is or the need to spend thousands of dollars on “products” I’ve never ever complained…
Unless I’ve run out of hormone meds while simultaneously having an argument with my hubby, my BFF having plans all weekend and us not talking AT ALL, my daughters turn into raving lunatics and paint their room brown, and the most horrible of disgusting holidays occurs…ALL AT ONCE.
Which happened to all happen this past weekend. Starting Thursday/Wednesday night.Â
By the time I was feeling better it was Monday – but I was wrapped up in a few things…
1. The Wolverine movie previews that Fox was showing. I watched them OVER and OVER…I LOVE me some Hugh Jackman Wolvie…YUMM…
2. I was reading, finishing, and lamenting my wait for the next novel in the House of Nightseries. It’s YA vamp and I lurve it…
3. I was digesting my reading of that other YA vamp series that’s OH SO POPULAR…She challenged me by calling me biased (I hate that) so I read it. And to be even more fair, I picked up the other books in the series to see if I liked it more with passage (I really didn’t like the first one). I’ve read all of the second, and half of the third. I’ll post my thoughts when I finish. And no, I won’t name it because I don’t think it deserves any further recognition…and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you live under a rock.
4. Did I mention the Wolvie previews? Yeah…check them out. Yummy hotness and humor. I’m chomping at the bit here…seriously…
Oh, I’ve read about ten books in just the past month, which is half of what I read this past YEAR. I’m looking for major recommendations for more books. I’ll even take suggestions for ebooks since I’ve learned that my new laptop is rather easy on the eyes (though I’d die for a Kindle). I’ll read almost anything. I love fantasy, sci-fi, romance, historical fiction…just about anything…I’ve even read erotica (but I’m choosy on that 😉 )
So anyway…reccommend me some books. I need to build on my To Be Read pile…it shrank down a LOT in the past month!!
I promise… Iwll NOT forget to call in my hormone patches again next month. It was seriously not pretty. Of course that horrible psuedo-holiday VD won’t be around to bother me then…
by Sarah | Jan 31, 2009 | Personal
All Related Posts
I haven’t done weekly updates, I admit…but I HAVE gotten better about posting in general *LOL* But, I figured weekly was too much. I’m sticking to monthly updates. It’s easier to keep track of the credit issues that way. So anyway, onto the goals and what I’ve done about them!
Goal #1 Body Image
1. I have lost six pounds. I’m down to 151. My jeans are fitting differently, but I don’t think it’s because of the weight so much as the:
2. I’ve started doing yoga just about every day. I did not exercise every day in January because there was the whole broken toe to deal with, and getting used to kids being home…but I did start it and really liked it. This is something I’m keeping up with.
3. I have cut BACK on my pop drinking, but not enough. I still have bad days that I drink a LOT. I’m also not drinking more water. Hopefully that will get better.
4. I have also cut back on my grazing. I still do it, but not as much – I often try to replace food with a cup of coffee, but it doesnt always work.
In all I think this goal is going well. It’s not perfect yet, but I’m happy with the baby steps I’ve taken.Â
Goal #2 Finances
1. I did start keeping a check register…
2. And we started out strong w/ the budget
3. I’m still using the debt tracker spreadsheet…
But over all this goal went kerplunk before we got more than two weeks into January. I blew my grocery budget, we only lived on ‘cash only’ for one week. We didn’t follow any sort of budget and I didn’t track the spending like I should have.Â
Our goal is refocused for February. We have our tax refund coming in, but we’re still going to live on the budget while we pay some things off, and fix our truck. Hopefully we’ll do much better this month.
Goal #3 Home & Family
1. I made vague meal plans – but didn’t write them down…
2. I blew our grocery budget within a couple of weeks (not severely, but I definitely went overy by at least $50)
3. I’ve done fairly well with starting the cleaning. The ktichen at least. I’ve done dishes almost every day, and doen a good cleaning of it once a week. I need to improve. I started doing the laundry once a wk (mostly) – but putting it away is not good.
4. And I’ve made tons and tons of breads…more than we needed some weeks.
5. We’ve had a few family game nights. Not quite every week…but we’re working on it.
On a side note about this…this goal has evolved a bit. I’ve decided to start homeschooling the girls – and am strongly considering homeschooling Brandon, too. This has led to me doing some PT-HS w/ Brandon (it’s helped that we’ve had so many snow days). So, as we approach that goal, this goal will shift and change a bit. I may end up with my own goal set aside for homeschooling. For now, I’m goign to keep on the track I’m going.Â
In all, I feel our family unit is stronger already – and that was the main goal for this…so we’ll keep working on it!
Goal #4 Personal
1. I’ve started writing again – not quite twice a week every week, but this past week I’ve gotten closer.
2. On that end, I’ve rewritten 6 chapters of the novel and am pretty happy with what I’ve done so far.
3. I’ve gotten better about posting here again, even though I’m struggling some days for posts.
4. I haven’t officially re-opened my writing blog yet, but I’m close to it…I’m just wrapping up the site’s design and adding in some pages that I think are needed.  Hopefully that will come soon.
**********
Total wrapup: I’m feeling mostly good about how January went. Not completely great because of the financial road bump…but over all with all four goals – I’m happy. Baby steps is the point of this…so I’ll focus on my accomplishments and just hope to do better next month!!Â
