by Sarah | Jul 19, 2021 | All About Family, All About Me, All of Us, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Dad passed away on the 1st of November.
Denver and I made the long trek back to Indiana for a week of family, mourning, laughter, tears, and saying goodbye.
While there, I became the keeper of the photographs. The box of print photos from my youth to Denver’s youngest days.
At one point my mom had the entire case organized precisely by date, occasion, location, and all of that…
With dad’s Parkinson’s, he’d get on these binges of activity.
One of those that frequently happened, was him going through the pictures.
The box is chaos. A mess of photos mixed up into unorganized groups that have little to do with each other.
I began the painstaking process of organizing them so I could scan them into the computer for a digital archive.
And then I had to pause.
In the middle of the chaos of the group I was working on were 4 pictures.
4 pictures that had a similar theme.
They’re pictures of my parents. Just the two of them. No kids, no friends…just them.
Smiling, happy.
Like that’s what he wanted to see.
Just dad and mom. Together.
It’s what I needed to see, too.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget how much they loved each other.
But this little reminder brought it all to the surface.
I knew he’d left this treasure for one of us to find.
I’m glad it was me.
by Sarah | Jul 8, 2021 | All About Me, All of Us, Personal, Redefining Perfect
I’d been in Florida for a year and a half. I hadn’t gone back, I thought I was well over Indiana…
And then it was time to go home. I had a break from school, and I wanted to see my parents because my dad was ill and had had some bad bouts in the hospital and I wanted to help out my mom with that a bit.
So Denver and I hopped in the car for the long 16 hour drive back to Indiana.
With every mile, my anxiety grew.
I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t ever intend to go back.
I hated Indiana.
But I was afraid I missed it, too.
I was afraid I missed it a lot more than I was willing to admit.
I remembered the years pining for Buffalo, the home of my heart for years.
I’d raised my kids in Indiana and life in Florida hadn’t been easy, and we were lacking friends…but the circle closest to us in Indiana had been toxic.
Our home had been tiny, tiny, tiny…but our yard so lovely.
I was up and down, sick to my stomach with the anxiety.
I drove the familiar streets to my parents house, and the anxiety remained. I settled into a simple routine for our week, but my anxiety remained.
I bit the bullet and drove to my old neighborhood. Into the weird round-about-cul-de-sac road that had been my home for 17 years.
My old neighbors and friends were out chatting on the front porch.
With familiarity, I sat down with them and carried on conversation for several hours. I snuck over to my old house (now owned by our other neighbor as a rental) to steal some cuttings from my rose of Sharon. I laughed with my old friends. Swapped stories. Hugged.
And I let go.
While I sat there talking, I realized they didn’t have that hold on me any longer. With our lives no longer entwined, I enjoyed their company, but I wasn’t bound by it.
I realized that though our little Hickville had been all we’d known, our little world for so long, it was no longer home.
I was free. I enjoyed my time in Indiana…but I no longer miss it.
(Except for that yard. Man, I miss that gorgeous, green, lush lawn!!!)
It’s a nice place to visit.
I let go.
Of the ties to all but my parents.
Of the looking back and wondering if we’d made a mistake.
Of Indiana.
Of that comfort zone.
It’s not easy.
I’m home…but I’m not in my comfort zone yet.
I’m in the right state, but not the right location.
I was in the right field, but not with the right company.
We still are lacking friends (see right state, not right location).
But that weird, pining longing for a state I’d never felt at home at is gone.
It’s a new sense of peace.
I like it.
But damn, I still miss that lawn. ~sigh~
by Sarah | Jul 5, 2021 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Guide*. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month the animal has been creeping into my awareness. I’ve been super drawn to it in different ways unlike I’ve never been before.
The Bee.
These fascinating, and helpful creatures, are an oddity. Aerodynamically, they shouldn’t be able to fly – yet they do. They persevere and bend the laws of nature to fly about, pollinating everything in sight.
Bees speak to productivity, but also finding time for leisure. They tell you to examine your priorities, see if you are overextended, burning out. Or maybe you’re the opposite, lethargic and completely burned out.
The bee teaches balance in your life. Work, play, socialization, spirituality, it also has to all be in proportion.
I did not realize why bee came to me so aggressively until I looked it up.
I was completely overextended – overworked and over-brained. With working full time, and going to school full time, barely time for homework, much less family or fun.
I knew I was in trouble when I got done with 18 days of vacation and didn’t feel refreshed and ready to get back to work, but dreading the idea of stepping into my place of employment.
Before dipping into the meaning of the spirit guide calling me, I had reassessed my priorities and turned in my notice at work.
I was trying to do it all, and I just flat out could not.
In the past few weeks I have had time to stop and “smell the roses” like my bee guides do on a daily basis. My schoolwork has improved, and my health has improved.
There are fears, but I trust in my bee guides message of miracles and perseverance. The next six months will still be difficult, but I’m ready to stick it out and get this task of finishing school done…and to get back to the business of better grades than I was suffering through before.
So thank you, bee…for the message I didn’t even realize you were speaking, but guided me anyway.
What animal is speaking to you this month? Do they have lessons for you?
*Disclaimer: I use the term Spirit Animal with deepest respect to the Indigenous people. I have been studying under an amazing, powerful indigenous woman and I respect their beliefs in the highest. I use the term with much honor, and not as a joke or meme. I truly believe these animals come as messengers for me, and try to learn under them. Miigwetch.
by Sarah | May 4, 2020 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Animal*. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month the animal made itself known to me at work shortly before the chaos of the pandemic, and has remained with quiet nightly reminders around my home while we isolate.
The Owl.
I’ve often liked the idea of owls. Shortly after we moved in to this home I decided that I wanted owls for my kitchen decor. I haven’t gotten far with that, but we’re getting there. Still, in all of my life I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one in the wild. I’ve seem images, videos, and at maybe a zoo situation?
Then while on break at work a few weeks back I heard the almost cliche hooting of an owl. I stopped short, and spun in a circle to try to find him. No luck, so I continued to my car. The bird, after a few more hoots, took flight right by me and over the hospital until it disappeared into the night. Since then, I’ve heard semi-regular hooting around my home in the evenings.
Owls serve to deliver many different messages, but upon research, I chose to focus on several messages that spoke directly to me and where I’m at.
Owls can see in the dark, see beyond the shadows. Owl guides help you see beyond a person’s facade or mask. If they’re deceiving you, you’ll have the clarity to see beyond the lies, to see the person underneath.
Owls are a large symbol of change. When I first saw him, I didn’t know what changes were coming, but whoa did they come. Owl guides help you find the opportunities in the changes. To see the light at the end of the tunnel, as it were. This gives you the chance to find something good to focus on, some way to make it through. Owl medicine allows you great insight for yourself and others. It helps you intuit deeper meaning in events such as we’re all living through now.
This month, through a lot of inner and outer work, Owl has helped me gain an appreciation for the little things in my life. I had some nights at work where I was sent home early, but I didn’t allow it to upset me as I had in the past. This wasn’t a targeted attack, I knew that many of our staff were facing cut hours. My check would be shorter, but I was still getting one, and blessedly so is my husband. Things could be so much work. I appreciated the little bit of extra sleep and study time. I worked when I could, and looked for the small blessings in all that I could.
I have been finding a nice, deeper peace these days. I faced a year of struggle with this move. While life isn’t perfect, it was especially rough for a while. Today I embrace owl medicine and let its many lessons wash over me. Including the lesson to sit in silence, and observe. Changes are still happening, and will continue to do so. I need to remember to sit in silence and observe and learn, rather than reacting.
What animal is speaking to you this month? Do they have lessons for you?
*Disclaimer: I use the term Spirit Animal with deepest respect to the Indigenous people. I have been studying under an amazing, powerful indigenous woman and I respect their beliefs in the highest. I use the term with much honor, and not as a joke or meme. I truly believe these animals come as messengers for me, and try to learn under them. Miigwetch.
by Sarah | Jan 6, 2020 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Animal*. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month the animal made itself known to me within moments of moving into our new home, because they are everywhere around it.
The Hawk.
The very first animal guide that ever came to me to grant me lessons several years ago was the hawk. At the time it helped me to see that I needed to dive deeper into my spiritual side. I took the lesson and did so, and it helped me immensely. This past 6 months has tested everything, including that very spiritual side.
In the past few weeks, the Hawk has returned again. Sure, hawks are everywhere in Florida — but there are times when they are more than just present. Like when it flies right in front of my face before perching on a light. Or flies alongside my car for a couple of miles to perch in a tree above my house. I’m telling you, sometimes these creatures are beyond insistent.
So it’s time to listen again, to the lessons of the Hawk.
What does the Hawk tell you?
He urges you to look at things from a higher perspective, see the big picture instead of the smaller details.
Study your divination tools and rely on your readings of them. Rapid spiritual development and awareness are often the message he brings.
Use your powers of observation. Focus on the task at hand. Step back and use that higher perspective to see what’s holding you back.
Most importantly, you have a clear vision. Use it.
The hawk’s sharp eye is your guide when he visits. Use how you need it most. To gain a higher perspective, to open your spiritual awareness, the gift of sight from that higher viewpoint. The perspective you need to see everything clearly.
Considering how muddled I’ve felt lately. I’m going to once again dive deeper into my spiritual life, and look at the things that have been holding me back and/or down, and see the big picture. I’ve been so focused on the small details that I’ve lost my perspective.
What animal is speaking to you this month? Do they have lessons for you?
*Disclaimer: I use the term Spirit Animal with deepest respect to the Indigenous people. I have been studying under an amazing, powerful indigenous woman and I respect their beliefs in the highest. I use the term with much honor, and not as a joke or meme. I truly believe these animals come as messengers for me, and try to learn under them. Miigwetch.
by Sarah | Oct 7, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Redefining Perfect
Once a month I’ll be posting a new Spirit Animal*. This is both for me to study and learn, but also to help inspire each month.
This month the animal made itself known to me within moments of moving into our new home, because they are everywhere around it.
The Woodpecker.
The first visit was a folly, one in my backyard on a tree. It’s not the first time I’ve seen a woodpecker, we had them in Indiana. However, this guy was persistent. For three days he returned. Then, there were two of them hopping along a branch in the next yard. I told them I got it, you’re here for me. I will learn as I can. I haven’t seen them since, but I haven’t forgotten they showed up for me. So, I return to blogging, and my monthly totem with their powerful message(s) to me.
Opportunity knocks, so answer when it does.
I have been bucking a BIG transition at work. Fighting against it tooth and nail, railing and snapping, furious and angry-crying (I hate being an angry crier, I really do). I’ve been an outright bitch about it because I.Do.Not.Want.It.
It did not see it as an opportunity. I did not see it as a chance to grab something new. I saw it as an interruption to a carefully laid plan. I saw it as an INSULT. A way to demean what it is I actually do. It’s been miserable, and so have I.
The Woodpecker is there to remind me that success is there, knocking. This is actually a very good opportunity for me and my future goals. If I’m just willing to go through with it and use it to my advantage. I could even use it for a different job, and to insist on a raise in my current income. There’s opportunity there. I just need to open that damn door.
Activate your creative vision.
Woodpeckers see value in everything, including dead trees. They tell you now is the time to get back to that project you ditched. Breathe new life into your creative self.
I’d been so lost in the anger and depression over the job front I was letting it steal joy from everything. I stopped writing, I stopped blogging, I stopped everything.
Listening to the woodpecker (and my bestie pecking at me like a woodpecker at a tree), I’ve returned to writing and the two of us are almost done with the book we have been co-writing (the second in our series). I’ve also resumed many other creative tasks – creating new things for my Etsy shop (see link on the right and in the header), fancying up my altar for samhain, yarn-work of the crochet and knit variety, and now I’m resuming blogging.
Being creative helps my brain work better. It helps my mood. It’s worth it to not forget that.
Be determined, focused, and see it through to the end.
This is going to be a very important message for me for the next two years plus. I’m about to dive into nursing school in January. It’s not going to be easy. I’m going to be exhausted, busy, and really have no free time and very little of that weird thing some people call sleep…but I am determined to see it through. I’ve had some amazing inspiration from some pretty damn amazing nurses in my life, and I’m excited for this next chapter.
And just like that woodpecker, I need to see it through until I get that nugget.
So, really, the woodpecker has so many messages for me this month, and I swear I am still uncovering more as I go along. I may have to revisit him, as I believe the woodpecker will be staying with me for a long time.
What animal is speaking to you this month? Do they have lessons for you?
*Disclaimer: I use the term Spirit Animal with deepest respect to the Indigenous people. I have been studying under an amazing, powerful indigenous woman and I respect their beliefs in the highest. I use the term with much honor, and not as a joke or meme. I truly believe these animals come as messengers for me, and try to learn under them. Miigwetch.
Dad passed away on the 1st of November.
