by Sarah | Jan 24, 2011 | All About Denver, The Teenager
Time sometimes flies like a bird, sometimes crawls like a snail; but man is happiest when he does not even notice whether it passes swiftly or slowly.
~Ivan Turgeney
Thirteen years ago this minute, as I was in labor, I still thought he was a girl. The ultrasound said girl. Everyone said girl.
My dreams had said boy.
My morning walk to induce labor I had stopped not at the girls clothes rack, but at the tiny little suits, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the teensy little ties.
After three false labors I was forced to sit in the hotel room my Mom had reserved utnil I “Finally” stopped screwing around and gave birth already. (For the record, Brandon was only 1.5 hours “early” for his due date.) When my contractions were finally 3 minutes apart, my mom called my OB, who then demanded to know why we waited. She, in her dry and sarcastic glory informed him that she wasn’t about to take me in if I wasn’t going to actually have the baby.
And so Brandon made me a parent. With his perfectly round head and surprise appendage that made him decidedly NOT a girl, & made me wonder how in hell I was going to raise a boy.
But he was perfect.
The gorgeous blue of his eyes made me fall in love in an instant.
Everything on time. Every milestone reached at JUST the right moment. Every clothing size changing right at it’s declared time (0-3 months? Gone at three months. 3-6? Gone at six…it was eerie).
He was happy. Smart. Playful. Loving.
He was my world.
He was my mom and dad’s world.
The first born grandchild. The first born great-grandchild.
The star.
Our family grew. It changed.
Not always in the best, most fair ways for him. In truth, sometimes he was forgotten, because he was so ‘perfect’. So easy in comparison. (I hate myself for it, but it is true).
It never made him less loved.
In many ways, being the parent of a tween was infinitely harder than raising the young ones. He isn’t satisfied with easy answers. He sees the world around him in such a different light. He sees things that a younger child wouldn’t. He understands and absorbs everything. Things that I sometimes haven’t the slightest idea how to explain to him, to clarify.
Right now he is struggling, battling against an internal battle I can’t resolve for him.
But in his heart – he is a good kid. He is smart. He is still loving.
He is annoyed with his parents. Embarrassed that his mother wants to (i.e. is going to) get a tattoo – and has forbid her to do so…(*snort* Like she’ll listen). He hates failure. He strives to do his best and no one is harder on him when he fails than himself. Interested in photography. Science. Math. Writing. Cross Country.
He dreams big.
He struggles to fit in.
He is 13.
In so many ways.
He is my baby.
In so many ways – he always will be.
Happy birthday to my oldest, my first born.
13 is a big number. But you’re just getting started.
by Sarah | Jan 19, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
It was a “magical” cure my Mom told me to take every time I was on the ‘verge’ of getting better from a cold or a flu.
It did help.
At one of the online hangouts I go to there’s a running joke. “Look Normal!” is the call. One person has a picture of a (normally) stunning actress faking a smile so comically it looks photoshopped into a Jim Carrey/The Mask-ish twist of her features (it isn’t, I’ve seen the scene the screen capture came from).
That…is what I feel like now. I’m crying out “Look normal!” I’m pushing myself into taking care of house and home, husband, kids. Getting into life-breathing activities like reading, writing, food.
But it’s a mask.
I don’t feel okay.
Archie has picked up on this…and in his current state of mind…he thinks it’s his fault or I’m mad at him. I’m not a shiny, happy person right now.
I don’t know how to get back to that.
In the past few months life has been hard, my sense of reality has been turned on its head…but we’re all here. We’re together, happy, nothing catastrophic is happening right this minute.
So I should be happy.
But I’m struggling to return to “normal.”
I went through a bout like this a couple of years ago. I tried getting some anti-depressants from the doctor.
Let’s just say the treatment was worse than the problem.
Out of the handful of antidepressants I’ve tried (for different reasons, over the course of many years)…I haven’t reacted well to any of them. From tremors to NOT sleeping (literally. I didn’t sleep for 1 whole week once – it wasn’t pretty)…drugs & I do not mix.
So, I’m afraid to try again. Terrified, actually. I didn’t like not sleeping, and I didn’t like the way my brain felt on them.
Plus.
I’ve seen depression.
I see it on an almost daily basis. I support it. I live with it. I’ve seen what it is like to NEED medications.
That isn’t me.
I’m just in a funk.
A lousy funk that I haven’t been able to fake my way out of.
Remember that good cry I said I’d never had?
I think I need it now.
Otherwise things might get ugly.
by Sarah | Jan 18, 2011 | All About Molly, Autism, Failure to Thrive (FTT)
Riley is almost six years old.
At last check, she weighed a tiny little 37 pounds to her almost 4′ frame. Which puts her BMI once again well below the growth chart.
Then…
She stopped eating.
We don’t know why.
Or how to stop it.
Her beautiful long platinum locks got thinner and thinner. Weak. Stringy.
Her already skinny frame is getting skinnier.
Legs long enough to fit into size 6.
Waist tiny enough to fit into 4T’s.
She won’t eat.
Unless it’s pancakes.
Mac & Cheese.
Hot Dogs.
It has gotten to the point where a peanut butter & jelly sandwich that has been asked for is snubbed.
Food.
Unappealing.
Whether it’s the texture.
Or the taste.
We’ll be spending the money for an appointment with the ped.
We’re reaching alarming levels.
Her autism is rearing its head more, her behavior unpredictable.
I’ve cut her hair in an attempt to make it appear thicker. It’s cute, but I miss the beautiful long locks.
I’ve made allowances and fed her outside of what we eat (a habit I’m sickened to start…the rule has ALWAYS been eat what’s in front of you). We’ve been giving her boxes of her sister’s Boost to make sure she gets her vitamins, minerals, and extra calories.
We’re worried about what this is going to mean for her in the near future.
But she can’t go on like this.
Neither can we.
by Sarah | Jan 17, 2011 | All About Denver, Crap
Proving he’s more like me than maybe he’d like to admit – the boy hates being in limbo.
The unknown.
Unanswered questions.
Like a thousand pound weight they bear down on him.
Turning what was a well-behaved, maturing pre-teen into a sullen, moody, lying, ignoring his homework teenager.
Yes, I’m sure part of it can be attributed to the fact that he IS a teenager now (or will be in a week)…and there’s hormones and all sorts of craziness, and two sisters that garner much of his parents attention.
But it’s also largely the unknown.
He doesn’t fully understand Cystic Fibrosis.
And all of my explanations and answers can’t change that.
He’s scared.
He doesn’t know what it would mean for him.
He can’t figure it out without an answer.
If it comes back negative, relief will sweet through each and every one of us.
If it comes back positive…
It will not be easy.
Not that it was “Easy” for Angel – but she is growing up with CF. It is ‘normal’ for her.
Brandon will have to learn a new ‘normal’.
But he will learn. And be able to deal. And cope.
But that can’t happen without answers.
Getting out of limbo.
Limbo sucks.
(16 days to go…if the results are back in time for that appointment.)
by Sarah | Jan 15, 2011 | All About Me, All of Us
We are knee-deep in snow. I’m loving it.
2010 is GONE. I’m SO loving that.
I originally had a whole diatribe written out about what sucked in 2010, and how 2011 hasn’t started out great…but this post is supposed to be about hope. Starting it with nastiness and negativity isn’t conducive to the post.
So here is to the future. 2011 is going to rock…even if it kills me *G*
To that end, here are some things I’d like to see happen in 2011. Goals, not resolutions, because I can’t keep a resolution to save my life.
* Get a large team together for the Cystic Fibrosis walk this coming May. Help raise LOTS of money for this supremely worthy, and important to our family, cause. The team will be forming in February once we have a definite yay or nay on Brandon. After that walk is over, start asking at the hospital about what sort of volunteer work is available for the CF area. Once all kids are in school, I want to start getting more involved & giving back.
* Get back in shape. I started last year doing C25k and loved it – but fell off the wagon. This isn’t about weight loss – it’s about the fact that I feel like hell…and I really just want to feel good about myself and what I’m doing for my own health and happiness.
* Feed my family healthier. My husband has diabetes, his diagnosis was years ago and I changed very little about our diets. Bread, potatoes and pasta are huge staples in this house and that has to stop…Archie is already OLD (teasing, he’s 9 years older than me & I always pick on him for it)…I don’t need to shorten his life span by cooking him crap. Also, we could all stand to eat healthier. Riley could stand to start eating…PERIOD (another post for another day there).
* Get on a budget. Living hand to mouth isn’t good for us. It’s horrible for hubby’s depression and it’s horrible for emergency situations. I say this every year – this year Archie is on board. Living on a TIGHT budget is going to be tough. We’ll be strong, somehow.
* Complete at least 3 items from my 45X45 (i.e. Bucket) List. I’ve already taken the first step to getting one item knocked off…We’ll see what else I can’t wrangle this year. This goes back to what I said earlier – I want to feel good about myself. Doing some things for me is part of that.
* Get a decent haircut. In 34 years I’ve not succeeded at this. I loved having my hair really long, but I had have it shorn off last year in a very brutal and traumatic way (I know it sounds silly, but it WAS traumatic, still is). Right now I’d be happy to get a not-too-short style that suits my features. I’ve NEVER had this. I REALLY want it.
* Be more loyal to my blog(s) {yes I have more than one}. Be more true to myself WITHIN those blogs. I have started to do that here and have seen a definite & positive change in the past few months because of it.
* Build my community. In December I was able to witness first hand the power of community. My heart has been filled by this event, and I want to work harder to keep the communities I have and build on them. This means I can’t be afraid to use the phone to call people. I have to reach out, not just expect to be reached out to – because that doesn’t happen.
* Re-establish a deeper connection with my family. Including being honest with them about how I’m feeling about certain things. Be honest about events in the past. Make it a point to see them more regularly than “events”. Set up a regularly monthly lunch date w/ my mom and sister-in-law…don’t make it an event that only happens when my aunt is in town.
* Work on my photography with more diligence. Make it a point to go out on photo-walks at least once a month. Once a week once the weather gets warmer. Take my little one with me if I have to during the week while school’s in. Take my eldest when I can, and nourish his love of photography that is building. Finish my book on my camera and cross fingers for a lens that I’ve been eyeing.
* CLEAN MY HOUSE. The dream is to kick out my kids for a week. Shove everything out of the house and only bring back in the necessaries. Both Archie & I dream of doing a mass cleaning like this. Our house is just disgustingly full of clutter. It doesn’t help that it is SO TINY.
* WRITE MORE. Okay, not more than I did last year – I got insane w/ the writing & had no sleep or house cleaning because of it. That’s bad…but I haven’t written in 3 months and I hate that.
* READ MORE. I need to settle in and enjoy reading again. I want to read some classics, and some guilty pleasure newer novels. The more I read, the better writer I can become.
* FIND BALANCE. This…wow, this one is big. I’m bad at this. When I do something I do it big and everything else falls away…and suffers because of it. I struggle to pull away from the computer just to do housework. Part of this goal is definitely backing away from the computer to focus on other things more. In order to do this I have to stay up when hubby leaves for work. I have to schedule my days for a change, and get things done. Once I get the mass cleaning of the house done – I don’t want it to get like this again. I will need to be diligent.
* BE HAPPY. I know this year is going to bring me more and bigger challenges. For all the challenges 2010 brought me, I made it through…but I didn’t always make it through HAPPY. Even now I’m still grousing about it. I have always been one to try to find the silver lining, but lately I’ve been content to wallow. I don’t want to wallow this year. Whatever the struggle, I know we can face it. Just like we faced every struggle of 2010.
by Sarah | Jan 14, 2011 | Fatherhood Fridays
I always feel lousy this time of year. And it is almost always depression, sinking its sharp teeth in me, and shaking me like a dog with a new toy. Even if I didn’t have the armload of mental issues that I do, this is always a tough time of year. The pressures of the holidays, the pressures at work, everything just becomes more intense in the winter.
I do love the winter, the hush that falls with the first snow early in the morning (I often go outside early just to experience this); bundling up my girls in scarves, hats, and coats; the refreshing chill in the morning. I don’t really care for the angry motorists who don’t scrape their windshields; the cars that blow up on their owners (personally speaking); the nasty brown slush that gets left behind; wet socks from all of the snow tramped in the house; and the claustrophobic feeling that occurs after hearing your kids tear around the inside of a very small house for weeks on end.
It does give me time to catch up on movie watching, of which I am and addict. It drives Sadie and the kids nuts because I like movies with blood, guns, action, guns shooting, gore, guns shooting people, kung fu, sci-fi, boobies, war epics, and scary flicks. Sadie usually puts on headphones and averts her eyes, as the sound of bone crunching mayhem makes her nauseous. Not me, the louder the better. Most of you readers are women as well, and will sympathize with my wife’s plight. Other have husbands who don’t watch such stuff, and I feel bad that they don’t know what they are missing. For example; in the new Rambo movie, blood doesn’t run, it explodes. I know, cool, right? I actually like some dramatic movies, but I can’t watch rom-coms/chick flicks. Sadie always wants me to write movie reviews, but I think most women would be bored to read about my take on “Troy”. If anyone were interested, let me know and I’ll try it.
I have a few things that I want to do this year, but I don’t want to call them resolutions. I hate new year resolutions, they never get resolved. But I would like to improve myself this year. Here are a few things I want to try:
- Exercise often and eat healthier. I can do this, but I haven’t been able to sustain very well. Right now, my overall health is horrible. I need to get a new ipod/mp3 player with an armband holder and I’ll be set.
- Play with the girls more often. I’m guilty of not sharing enough with them, and I want to fix it.
- Play, spend time with, try to understand the boy better and spend more time with him. Right now my patience is very short with him, and I feel a little(not a lot) bad about that.
- Groom and maintain my yard better. It looked great for several years, but the last two years it has looked like crap. A nicely filled out and trimmed yard makes me very happy and peaceful.
- Have a better all around attitude, especially at work. I’m a naturally negative person, and it’s tough to be smiley. But I can do it.
- Be better to my wife. I’m a very difficult person, owing a lot to my ocd habits, and she gets the brunt of it. She deserves better, and I should be capable of doing better for her. I love her.
That’s a few of the things I want to do. Maybe I can share more later. Wish me luck, I’m off to wok on ‘em. We’re due for a good year.
**********
When I approached Archie about writing this week, he didn’t know what to write. He felt “uncomfortable” writing aobut something outside of the kids. After a little explanation that this blog is about Redefining Perfect in every way, including our own lives…I managed to wrangle a post out of him. For those that don’t know, because I generally only mention it in passing on this blog – Archie has severe depression & anxiety disorders…as well as we believe that he actually is the genetic blueprint for Riley * her autism.
That being said, I always love having Archie post on my blog, and I hope you’ll all show him some love. He deserves it most of the time 😉
Time sometimes flies like a bird, sometimes crawls like a snail; but man is happiest when he does not even notice whether it passes swiftly or slowly.
And so Brandon made me a parent. With his perfectly round head and surprise appendage that made him decidedly NOT a girl, & made me wonder how in hell I was going to raise a boy.
Our family grew. It changed.
He dreams big.
