by Sarah | Dec 15, 2010 | All About Me, Holidays
I have a really bad habit.
I believe I’m Super Woman. I can do EVERYTHING.
Then when it all fails, or life gets in the way (like I forget it has a tendency to do), I crash hard, hate myself a while and wallow in ick.
Two months ago I was ready.
For Christmas.
I’d started to pre-set everything for Christmas. Most of the shopping was done. I’d pre-made cookie (batter) so that baking wouldn’t take any time.
I was sooo good to go.
So I took on a few (dozen) extra projects.
Then life fell apart.
Everyone in the house got sick (including ME twice – and I don’t get sick), had disastrous doctor’s appointments, or decided to stop eating. Our car died. The eldest’s grades went from straight A’s to WTF? Chaos erupted and everything fell apart.
I was still determined to do it all.
Then this morning ONE.LAST.THING. happened. I snapped. Burst into tears on my poor Archie (who was just trying to leave for work and made the mistake of asking if I was okay). I realized I’m exhausted. I’ve been staying up until 3AM every day trying to get it done, and waking up at 5AM to continue getting it all done. It was too much.
So I’ve decided to focus on my family. The other stuff will work out and get done in time.
Now is supposed to be the time for peace. I don’t know what’s going to happen next week, so I’m going to get MY family’s stuff done this weekend…and if nothing comes out of the doctor appointments I will have lots of free time to relax and enjoy the holiday. If we end up with a hospital admission, everything is done and I have no need to panic.
One of these days I’ll learn to leave behind my Super Woman syndrome…I hope it’s sooner rather than later. I don’t want to feel like I have today again for a long time.
by Sarah | Dec 13, 2010 | All About Denver, All About Kennedy, Crap, Cystic Fibrosis
Sometimes it’s easy to ignore it all. To push aside the stress, the fear, the worry.
“The appointment is a month away,” you tell yourself. You think there’s no point in stressing now.
After all there’s not a damn thing you can do.
And things go smooth. You almost forget.
Then the moment happens.
Out of the blue you remember what you tried to forget. A reminder phone call for an appointment. A simple glance at the calendar.
And all the fear and stress you’ve shoved aside checks you into the boards rougher than any hockey player.
***
One week from today there are two big doctor’s appointments. Both on the same day. Both with the same doctor.
**
Angel will have her functions checked again. If she doesn’t bring her numbers up, our Christmas may be spent in the hospital. We will also be discussing having a full genotype run on her to determine her exact CF gene combo (as the original bloodwork did not turn up her genomes in the ‘standard’ for CF).
**
Brandon is also meeting the pulmonologist for the first time. He will have another sweat chloride test run (if Angel’s evolution is any indication 2+ tests = diagnosis). He will have blood work run (possibly a genotype for him as well). The doc will discuss his history and determine what other testing he needs.
**
I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I try to focus instead on keeping insanely busy for the holidays.
Then it hits.
One week from this minute I may have 2 CF kids instead of 1.
Or not.
I may be trying to figure out if the genotypes will be covered by insurance and if not, how to afford them.
There’s a lot of unknowns. I hate unknowns.
I don’t know how to help a grown child that’s always been healthy come to grips with a CF diagnosis.
Angel, well, she’s growing up with it…it’s already normal for her. Brandon grew up without major issues.
I don’t want to jump the gun…
But I can’t erase the fear.
by Sarah | Dec 8, 2010 | All About Me
Except on days that end in Y.
Ugly. Stupid. Shut up. Jerk. (B)Witch. Lazy.
We never judge.
Except when it’s our ‘perfect’ sensibilities that have been offended.
We would NEVER assume.
Except when we are facing something we believe to be a slight against us.
****
In recent weeks I’ve begun to face a hard fact about myself.
I claim to be the one always looking on the bright side. Finding the silver lining.
In some ways that might be true.
But in many others, it’s not. In many other ways I’m ugly. I’m bitter. I’m thrusting grudges that should have been released years ago off on innocent bystanders. I’m assuming looks mean one thing when they might have meant something else.
I assume that someone is a (B)Witch that instantly disliked me and felt herself better. That I was once again ‘not good enough’ for the ‘cool’ crowd.
Only to realize months or years later that I may have inadvertently hurt that person without fully thinking about what I said before I prattled on needlessly about a ‘funny’ story that wasn’t so funny to them.
I’ve judged others around me, been nasty and snarky when it’s likely I didn’t know them at all.
After years of being so ‘good’ with my speech around my eldest (‘We never say shut up’, bad language was never used)…my daughters use phrases like “What the hell?” and “Dammit” frequently.
****
When did I get so ugly and jaded? Just because the past few years have been hard, difficult for us? Because we have so many struggles?
That doesn’t give me a right to turn a blind eye to others struggles. To ignore the fact that they have difficulty too. To assume based on my own painful past that others are judging me…when my assumption of their judgement is a judgement in itself.
***
I want to be better.
I need to be better for my girls.
I don’t want them to feel ugly like I do.
I want them to be more beautiful than I could ever be. They’ve already got a great head start on me…
****
A partial continuation of my I Am Real post. More coming soon, I hope.
by Sarah | Dec 7, 2010 | All About Me, Photography
I stole my hubby’s SD card out of his phone so that I could goof off w/ my Droid’s camera apps (which I sort of had been dying to do). So I took a few goofy shots while playing with the retro cam…
Totally Goofy
*I look as sick as I felt at the time I took this photo (say hello to strep), but I still really like it for some strange reason.
It’s in the eyes
*I love that in this pic my eyes look almost as big as Angel’s (they aren’t, but they look it :D).
Silly ME
*I loved this one enough to make it my new site photo & twitter avatar.
**** Head on over to check out who else is flipping out:
by Sarah | Dec 6, 2010 | All About Me
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
If I’m to be cmpletely honest, I don’t think I did, or do, this enough. It’s something I need to work on.
But occasionally the wonder snuck in and took hold despite my lack of cultivation.
My kids are a wonderful source of wonder. All three of them manage to either give me a new way to look at something, or cause that sense of wonder themselves. From the way they look at the world – to the way they surprise me with their capabilities and actions.
Beyond that, I’m reaching the point where my camera has started to become such a part of me, that it helps me look at the world in a different way. Even when I don’t have it with me, I find myself looking for shots, and seeing everything in a different light.
My favorite time of year for having a sense of wonder, though…is right now. The holidays. The first snowfall, the way the tree looks lit up, the decorations, the sense of pure joy in every part of the season. It’s definitely a wondrous time of year – and I hope next year I can learn to carry it with me much longer.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
I let go of the only person I had to let go of. We lost my gramma this year. Suddenly, without much warning, she went to be with grampa.
We miss her still. Our loss is still affecting us.
Letting go is never easy. Whether the loss happens quick and unexpected – or over a period of time.
This loss has been even more difficult for me, it seems. I’ve lived away from Buffalo for so long, and I’m still not there. It’s like nothing in my every day changed…so when it hits again, it’s like a fresh wound.
So maybe I fool myself to say I’ve let go…
Just like with my grampa, I may never truly let go.
December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
This one is easy. The last thing I made was a pair of gloves. It’s the thing I’m making right now. It’s something I’ll be making for another week or so. Of course, I’ll also be making cookies (in fact, literally I’ll be baking some today)…and pettiskirts and dresses.
I always need more time to make things – another 10 hours in the day would be GREAT so that I could get some of these things done that I absolutely must.
Sometimes having Crafter’s ADD is a bad, bad thing…
by Sarah | Dec 3, 2010 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Kennedy, All About Molly, Fatherhood Fridays
The holidays are always hard on me. I wasn’t the happiest or sunniest child, and that has carried over to adulthood. It always felt as if they snuck up and hit me in the back of the head, but then didn’t run away but stayed to continue doing it until February or March. There is some SAD to it, mixed with my own general depression/anxiety/obsessive-compulsive traits. Having kids has made it a lot better and I enjoy our Christmases together. As a parent, one of my biggest struggles has been to be upbeat and excited about the holidays throughout the year. Each year, I persevere, yet feel as if I leave too much for my wife to do. Sometimes it’s the way duties are separated in the household, each having mostly consistent roles and chores to be done. But nothing is ever written in stone.
Sadie is a SAHM, so most of the household duties fall to her; like dishes, laundry, cleaning, & cooking. I will occasionally do some of those, but never cooking(I’m a horrible cook). I usually take care of maintenance on the house & cars, do yard work, and of course, go to work daily to support all of us.
But when it comes to administering to the kids needs, physically and emotionally, both of us handle it together. Sadie is a bit more of a nurturer than I, but there are certain situations that I am better suited to address. And as for Sadie and myself, we have mostly balanced each other out well over the years. When I am struggling, she is able to keep from bottoming out. And when she is stressed past the limit, I am able to help her back to even ground.
What is hard about this year, and we try not to focus on the negative, is that our kids are having struggles with things we can’t help them with. We’re both still shell-shocked about Brandon’s preliminary diagnosis of CF, the reality is settling on us slowly, heavily. It was just so out of the blue, we thought to have him tested, but knew that nothing would come of it. I blame myself, but most parents do when something goes wrong for their kids. I know Sadie blames herself too, just a natural reaction. He is still getting high grades, wants to continue sports in the spring, and loves Boy Scout campouts. We think he is happy, or at least as happy as a twelve year old can express.
Angel having complications with her CF is not unexpected, but still is unsettling. How her function can go up and down so fast is scary, and makes us wonder if we’re not watching her close enough. Now she may have strep, although I don’t know the full ramifications of this yet. She gives us no symptoms or complaints until she is already well into sickness. However, she still has the brightest smiles and chatters about everything constantly. She can be read like an open book, but a book that you enjoy so much, you never want to put it down.
Riley is,…..well….we love Riley. As Sadie has posted, she has advanced and regressed at the same time. Riley is a whirlwind at home; usually blond hair flying behind her, fighting with and screaming at her sister, and talking so fast you can’t make anything out. In school, the reports are all saying that she is remaining on task better and learning LOTS of things. Infrequently at home, Riley withdraws into herself and just seems to vacate her body. This is usually when she is peaceful at home(not often). But she is slowly coming around to talking with us(REAL CONVERSATION MATERIAL). And she can be so loving sometimes, that her issues fade into the background.
I’m not saying that we have any more to deal with than any other parent. I’m just saying it’s tough, tough to be everything all the time. I have more respect now for my parents than I ever did before. Being a parent of children of special needs children is a hard job, but I have a feeling it won’t be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. That will be when they grow up and leave their mother and me.
I guess all I am really saying is love your kids. Love their strengths. Love their weaknesses. Love them as much as you can. Special needs or not, we are the lucky ones. Our children are alive and fighting, and we are in there fighting even harder along with them.
Enjoy your holidays!
I have a really bad habit.
