by Sarah | Apr 12, 2019 | 50 before 50, All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Bucket List, Gratitude, Oola, Pagan Me Happy, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
I have this friend that every time we talk, something profound comes out of it. Even if I tackle her with an inane conversation, or I just message to give her a boost or vice versa. Maybe it’s that she’s a shaman, or maybe it’s that sometimes I need to chatter my face off to find a message sometimes, who knows?
Over the course of several months she’d been having a rough time. Between living in the middle of a desert, the government shutdown affecting them, and missing Christmas, she was…stressed.
However, for the same amount of months she’d been talking about the biggest message she’d been receiving in all of her studies, card readings, spirit messages…it was always SURRENDER.
We were discussing the difficulties she was having, the tension she felt, everything all in a nutshell. I was letting her vent, really….when I made the offhand comment:
It’s hard to surrender when you’re holding your breath.
We both kind of stopped right there. It was a big “Whoa” moment for us as we read and re-read the words I’d just typed.
Apparently as much as she needed to hear them, I did as well…because I realized that I’d been doing the same thing, for MONTHS. With the hope and anticipation and this sense of NEEDING to go home to Florida, I’d built up so many levels of tension in all of it. Some days I couldn’t breathe for all of it.
BREATHE.
Do you know how important it is to breathe? Not just for the fact that it keeps you alive…I’m not talking about that breath, really. I’m talking about holding our soul’s breath.
Waiting…
Anticipation…
Fear…
Doubt…
Excitement…
It holds our souls captive. It locks them in a cage and hides them away from what could well be the next miracle around the corner.
BREATHE.
Right now.
Stop. Whatever it is you’re doing, stop.
Release the tension you’re carrying in your shoulders, your jaw, your neck, your heart.
Breathe out long and slow in release.
Explore what’s causing that tension.
Where are you going? What are you doing? What’s the biggest anxiety in your brain?
Surrender it.
Turn it over to whatever God, Goddess, Nothingness you wish. Give it over to the universe.
Nope. It’s not easy.
It’ll come back to haunt you. To put those knots back in your shoulders.
BREATHE.
To hold your brain hostage.
BREATHE.
To nag at your sense of peace.
BREATHE.
But when it does, you have a weapon.
You let it go.
You breathe.
You release.
You surrender.
Stop holding your breath.
by Sarah | Mar 25, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Pagan Me Happy, Redefining Perfect
Along with my monthly spirit animal, I’ve decided to start researching different Goddesses every month, and to be fair I may throw in a random God or two as the spirit moves me. Back in December when I was doing my 21 Day Ceremony challenge, the Goddess Morrighan made a very distinct visit to me during one of the ceremonies. Thus, I’ve decided that my first monthly study would be on this complicated Goddess.
Morrighan, sometimes called Morrigan, Morrigu, or Macha is a Celtic Goddess.
Often symbolized by a raven, and a shapeshifter, she has appeared in many forms. As a woman with a bird head, a raven, or as a woman either with a raven, or a murder of crows. In some stories she’s also appeared as a cow and a wolf.
In my research I’ve found so many conflicting reports about her history, that I dare not dive too deep into it because I don’t want to get it wrong. So instead I’ll give my impressions of what I’ve learned.
First off, despite my husbands initial reactions when I mentioned her in December, Morrighan is not Morgan le Fay (some studies say she is, but it is not a fact and my instinct says no…so I’m leaning that way).
I was never off-put or disturbed by the call of Morrighan to study her and work her into my practice in some way. Though I’ve read that people fear such a call, because she is so often linked to war and battle, I viewed her more as I’ve been urged to look at Kali. For though she is representative of war and battle, she also symbolizes sovereignty and rightful kingship.
I’ve spent the past week studying on Morrighan’s messages and what they mean to me, specifically in the now. Here’s how I’m taking in her message this month:
- Step into your power. Do not be afraid of what battles you may face, whether internal or external.
- You are the rightful heir to your true self. Own it.
- Adaptability may be necessary to achieve your goals, and that’s okay. There can be power in shapeshifting when it’s for the right purpose.
- Sometimes things have to die in order for you to make it where you’re meant to be. Mourn the dead, but do not let them drag you down with them.
- Morrighan is clearly in command without being threatening. You can be in your power without being angry.
I am happy to honor Morrighan and her teachings. I feel like she’s going to be with me for a long time as I’m working out redefining myself. I will learn from and honor others, but I think Morrighan is more than my goddess of the month. I think she’s here for the long haul, and I am happy to embrace and honor her as well as I’m able.
by Sarah | Mar 23, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Crafty Me, Oola, Redefining Perfect, Yarnspiration
I may have mentioned once or twice before that I have some crafting ADHD. In the past year, my yarn-bending has come out full force (along with my pendant making, but that’s another post).
To keep tabs on myself because I’ve had several projects that are YEARS old now (seriously, like 7 years).
We all have those projects.
You know the ones….
They take forever.
You love them.
You hate them.
You wish they’d be done already.
Well, shit, you completely messed up and have to start all the way over again…
This one cardigan is mine.
It’s an exceedingly complex circle sweater that I’m knitting.
To make matters more special, it’s got tons of teeny, tiny cable stitches throughout the whole thing…and the whole thing is pretty much reversible so…
It’s insanely difficult. It was even more so when I first started it as a noob knitter.
I started this sucker YEARS ago. Like 2013.
I worked the entire sleeve and started on the body only to realize I was making the WRONG SIZE.
I’m pretty sure I cried as I started again two years ago…from scratch. I worked the new sleeve directly from the old sleeve, literally using the same yarn as I pulled it free of the sleeve to stitch the new one. I did that two years ago.
I worked on it steadily for a few months until I’d hit the exact same point I’d been at when I’d REstarted it months before.
Then dropped it. Went onto other projects. Easier projects. Crochet projects. Anything but this.
Relegated to a drawer it sat there for a long time.
Then a couple of months ago, I sold everything. Okay, not EVERYTHING, but about 95% of my yarn, even if they had projects attached to them. In bulk.
All gone.
That left me with precisely 3 projects to work on. 2 knitting, 1 crochet.
So, this sweater has been getting attention.
A lot of it.
Which has led to this.
<—
I’m not quite halfway done with it. Probably 40%…but it’s made a huge leap forward. I’ve got about 180 rows until I can start doing the insanely long rows of the back. I’m kind of surprised at how fast it’s been going now that I’ve really dedicated to just a couple of projects.
It’s still not as fast as many yarn weavers…but I’m still very pleased at how it’s coming along. There’s been a few gaffs along the way, but they lend to the character of the outfit. Who knows, I may finish this before my kids graduate high school at this point. I wasn’t sure that would ever happen. It has already been six years, after all. 😉
by Sarah | Mar 18, 2019 | All About Denver, All About Erik, All About Family, All About Home, All About Kennedy, All About Me, All About Molly, All About Ripley, All of Us, Blogging Life, Disney, Disney Mom, Florida Dreaming, Oola, Redefining Perfect, Universal, Universal Studios Mom
*disclaimer* I am writing this over a week before publication. All information is subject to change. I’ll try to update if that happens, but I’m working a LOT, so it’s not 100%
It’s been a month of a whole lot and a whole lot of nothing.
Erik and I both got no’s from our interviews last month. However, they were exceptionally positive no’s as both of the managers liked us and wanted to hire but there were key things preventing it from happening. Both of us were asked if they could keep our resume, and keep in touch in hopes they could find the right fit.
So while nothing happened with those, they had positive feedback and left some hope that they could eventually work out.
I have had another interview in the interim. It went pretty well, but I have not yet heard back.
I’m not worried, though. Every time I think about the move and us getting to Florida I keep hearing “June. June. June.” Every single time.
So, I’m thinking June may be our month.
In the mean time we are starting the long road of packing up 16 years of our lives. I started on my office last week in some time off from work. Packed up all but a few books, with one last large stack to go to half price. I threw away three bags of trash in the process of cleaning out my office. It’s not done yet, but it’s close in there.
The girls took a cue from me, apparently, and cleaned/packed much of their room. I heard a rumor that several bags of trash went out during the process there as well.
No, we don’t have jobs yet. That means we certainly don’t have a house yet…but once things happen, they’ll happen fast and the more we prepare ahead, the less we’ll be pressured at that time. Well, that’s the theory at least. 😉
It’s weird living in a house of boxes…but it’s also nice to be just chucking so much excess we’d built up over the years.
So no major news yet…but it’s coming. In the mean time we are keeping the faith, keeping our hopes up, and keeping busy.
by Sarah | Mar 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Pour Your Heart Out, Redefining Perfect
*~*
A few weeks ago I posted about my ability to hold a grudge.
One phrase has stuck in my head since I wrote that surprisingly cathartic post:
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
In my attempts to get into that Oola state, I was more focused on “this is toxic, cut it out” than HOW I was taking action. By writing it down, my brain latched onto it in a way I didn’t expect.
Then something wonderous happened.
I filled a few grudges with helium.
Initially I likened it to an epiphany…but I don’t think it was. It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was that phrase working its way through my mind. Helping me to process some of the feelings I’d been holding onto so tight.
I realized that I’d chopped at that toxic relationship and received nothing in return. Nobody bothered to miss me…
But then…I never thought about if my actions…or inaction, as it were…might have hurt them just as much.
I saw only my side. My pain. My anger. My suffering.
I caught glimpses of happiness in their life and I was bitter that my departure had no effect on that happiness.
The moment I saw what I’d done, how I’d acted and reacted, that grudge expanded with helium. It went from being a dense boulder to a much lighter load.
I’m not saying it’s gone, floated away in the breeze.
It’s still there, but it’s bobbing along with me as I work my way through the rest of my feelings with less pain and anger.
I’m able to say “I miss you” without any malice or bitterness.
I can mean the words.
I can truly miss someone, and not want to re-enter the relationship.
In some cases, maybe I do want to build on the relationship again. In some cases, I have.
I don’t have to.
And that is oddly freeing to know.
I’m feeling much lighter now with fewer boulders, and more balloons.
One day I know a few of them will float away completely. I may not even realize they’ve gone until they’re well out of sight.
And that is just fine.
Because I’ve gone from a brutal axing, to a departure of love.
by Sarah | Feb 14, 2019 | All About Me, All of Us, Blogging Life, Oola, Personal, Redefining Perfect
I am the queen of holding grudges.
No, really. It’s kind of sad, actually.
I still hold a grudge toward a former best friend from middle school that pretty much destroyed every hope I had of having friends by spreading a ridiculous rumor to make herself more popular. It worked, and I definitely still get a visceral reaction to the memory of her. I know this because the other day we had a patient with the same name (clearly wasn’t her because she’s from Buffalo, I haven’t lived there in almost 30 years now).
There are a couple other grudges that I’ve held onto for a long time…but I won’t go into details.
We’ll just say…
QUEEN OF GRUDGES.
My faith, unlike some others, doesn’t have a specific “rule” about forgiveness. It’s not a commandment or anything.
However, if you look at the Wiccan Rede (An’ it harm none, do what thou will), or the Rule of Three (Whatever energy you put out comes back to you; threefold)…those grudges can affect both principles. Holding grudges might not harm them, but it harms me. It’s only causing myself pain. Holding grudges, gives that negativity, that harshness, its own room, its own space to grow and build and turn back onto myself.
I think my biggest issue is that most of my grudges aren’t so much out of anger, but out of deep-seated pains.
If I take a hard look at what I’m holding onto and letting block me from others…
It’s because of the pain I was caused. How deeply I was hurt.
Instead of healing that pain, I’m holding onto the grudges, letting myself separate from the pain by declaring anger and using that grudge like a shield.
It’s not the way I want to live my life any longer. I want to find the joy. I want to live an Oola life. And while cutting out toxicity is necessary to attain some level of Oola…
Sometimes I think I’m doing that wrong.
I’m letting go with pain, sorrow, loss, and sometimes anger.
I’m not forgiving the actions or the people as I release them.
I’m hacking with an ax instead of releasing them with the lightness of a balloon.
I don’t want to make room for pain any longer.
I want to make room for joy.
I need to find the space to forgive.
I need to gather all of my grudges and fill them with helium…
And release them with love.
I have this friend that every time we talk, something profound comes out of it. Even if I tackle her with an inane conversation, or I just message to give her a boost or vice versa. Maybe it’s that she’s a shaman, or maybe it’s that sometimes I need to chatter my face off to find a message sometimes, who knows?
