by Sarah | Jan 14, 2011 | Fatherhood Fridays
I always feel lousy this time of year. And it is almost always depression, sinking its sharp teeth in me, and shaking me like a dog with a new toy. Even if I didn’t have the armload of mental issues that I do, this is always a tough time of year. The pressures of the holidays, the pressures at work, everything just becomes more intense in the winter.
I do love the winter, the hush that falls with the first snow early in the morning (I often go outside early just to experience this); bundling up my girls in scarves, hats, and coats; the refreshing chill in the morning. I don’t really care for the angry motorists who don’t scrape their windshields; the cars that blow up on their owners (personally speaking); the nasty brown slush that gets left behind; wet socks from all of the snow tramped in the house; and the claustrophobic feeling that occurs after hearing your kids tear around the inside of a very small house for weeks on end.
It does give me time to catch up on movie watching, of which I am and addict. It drives Sadie and the kids nuts because I like movies with blood, guns, action, guns shooting, gore, guns shooting people, kung fu, sci-fi, boobies, war epics, and scary flicks. Sadie usually puts on headphones and averts her eyes, as the sound of bone crunching mayhem makes her nauseous. Not me, the louder the better. Most of you readers are women as well, and will sympathize with my wife’s plight. Other have husbands who don’t watch such stuff, and I feel bad that they don’t know what they are missing. For example; in the new Rambo movie, blood doesn’t run, it explodes. I know, cool, right? I actually like some dramatic movies, but I can’t watch rom-coms/chick flicks. Sadie always wants me to write movie reviews, but I think most women would be bored to read about my take on “Troy”. If anyone were interested, let me know and I’ll try it.
I have a few things that I want to do this year, but I don’t want to call them resolutions. I hate new year resolutions, they never get resolved. But I would like to improve myself this year. Here are a few things I want to try:
- Exercise often and eat healthier. I can do this, but I haven’t been able to sustain very well. Right now, my overall health is horrible. I need to get a new ipod/mp3 player with an armband holder and I’ll be set.
- Play with the girls more often. I’m guilty of not sharing enough with them, and I want to fix it.
- Play, spend time with, try to understand the boy better and spend more time with him. Right now my patience is very short with him, and I feel a little(not a lot) bad about that.
- Groom and maintain my yard better. It looked great for several years, but the last two years it has looked like crap. A nicely filled out and trimmed yard makes me very happy and peaceful.
- Have a better all around attitude, especially at work. I’m a naturally negative person, and it’s tough to be smiley. But I can do it.
- Be better to my wife. I’m a very difficult person, owing a lot to my ocd habits, and she gets the brunt of it. She deserves better, and I should be capable of doing better for her. I love her.
That’s a few of the things I want to do. Maybe I can share more later. Wish me luck, I’m off to wok on ‘em. We’re due for a good year.
**********
When I approached Archie about writing this week, he didn’t know what to write. He felt “uncomfortable” writing aobut something outside of the kids. After a little explanation that this blog is about Redefining Perfect in every way, including our own lives…I managed to wrangle a post out of him. For those that don’t know, because I generally only mention it in passing on this blog – Archie has severe depression & anxiety disorders…as well as we believe that he actually is the genetic blueprint for Riley * her autism.
That being said, I always love having Archie post on my blog, and I hope you’ll all show him some love. He deserves it most of the time 😉
by Sarah | Jan 12, 2011 | All About Kennedy, Cystic Fibrosis, Hospital
The hospital is only a memory.
The PICC line is gone, only a few scabs and red skin serve to remind us it was there.
A box of leftover saline syringes lingers in the kitchen.
Two more appointments in the coming month loom ahead.
But…
We are in ‘the clear’ as much as we can be.
Angel has resumed her regularly scheduled programming.
With a little bit more joy than before.
A few more crazy antics added to her repertoire.
The songs she makes up, I listen to the words now. She’s smart & clever & playful.
She responds to Dora, Diego, and Team Umizoomi with enthusiasm and joy. She sucks in all knowledge she can like a sponge, seeping off her her sisters growing roster of knowledge.
Her love for her Daddy has expanded and grown since the hospital, with random expressive “I love you’s” popping out so much more often than before. While she still gets mad at him, she snuggles with him more.
The light that has always been our most joyful, smiling baby has grown brighter.
Or maybe we are just taking in that light with greater gratitude than before.
Appreciating and savoring it more deeply.
She is our light.
She always has been.
Nothing can extinguish her.
She’s indomitable.
She’s….our shining Angel.
by Sarah | Jan 11, 2011 | Random
Finally, I am mostly free of the creeping crud. I can talk in my normal voice again, I’m only coughing occasionally. I got housework done today!!
Whoever thought I’d see the day that I was HAPPY I’d managed to do housework? There is just something inherently wrong with that statement.
I’m glad to get back to the blog, although I feel like I need some oil for my blogging joints. Amazing how being away for just a few days makes that first few posts so difficult to follow through on.
I’m working on a few posts about my dreams/goals for 2011 – but I dare not call them resolutions (I can’t keep one of those to save my life). I’m working on posts about the kids (all three)…where they are now what they’re struggling with, or we’re struggling with.
But I’m also working on projects outside the blog so I’m distracted and trying to refocus (part of the whole goals thing).
So in the meantime, before this becomes an entire post of nothing, here’s just a few random tidbits:
* Our Christmas tree is still up. My plans to take it down last week were thwarted and thus, it remains.
* Three years later I’m finally being a good wife. I’ve ordered some books about diabetes & recipes. We’ll be making meal plans from those. I’ve also sort of crafted a bento box for him until I can afford a real one. He’s in heaven having his food compartmentalized (did we mention we thing Riley got her autism from him 😉 )
* I’ve always quietly snickered and/or rolled my eyes at the raves of the Snuggie in the twitterverse…but, um…I HAVE ONE. Yup, and I LOVE IT.
* We were BLESSED with many many clothes for the girls for Christmas. Their dressers are full again and I am so grateful.
* We had a beautiful white Christmas here in Indy…and now it is snowing again. I am one happy Buffalo-born gal.
* My oldest is turning 13 in 2 weeks. I’m feeling OLD.
* I saw (most of) Wicked back in December. It was good, but I couldn’t enjoy myself…and I didn’t see the end because I wanted to get back to the hospital…but then I had to go back and…well, that’s a story for another day. Maybe I will have a chance to see it again one day.
* Given the choice of a computer, an iPod, or a DSLR camera (a low-cost model) for his belated present – Brandon is leaning toward the camera….that’s my boy 😉
* Did you know that it’s much easier to see the bright side and be pleasant when you aren’t sick? No, really…IT IS!!
That’s it for now. Hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of things here in no time. I’m pushing through the last of the ick, and trying to write (much more than blog posts). I’m also finishing up a design for a new blog…not mine, but a good friends’. I’m very excited for it…I’ll be sure to give you the URL when it’s done!!
by Sarah | Jan 5, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
Oh, I am very weary, Though tears no longer flow; My eyes are tired of weeping, My heart is sick of woe.
~Ann Bronte
There have been plenty of posts for me to write in recent days. Recaps of 2010. Dreams of 2011. The kids are back in school. Life is returning to our level of normal. All PICC lines are gone, casts…
But my fingers haven’t typed a letter.
I’ve been sick. Sick as a dog for the third time in 2 months.
And to be honest, 2010 sort of sucked. We had some highs, to be sure. Some wonderful notes…but we had a few pressing lows, and some that haven’t even been dispelled yet. Areas where we linger in the hellish limbo of unanswered questions.
I lost my grandmother this year. My spunky, vibrant, bossy, stubborn grandma was taken within a week of a cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, cruelly ripped from our lives.
My Angel faced her first real level of illness at the same time. Her first severe round of massively strong antibiotics to defeat an infection that is beyond unique to CF patients. And then she was admitted to the hospital six months later for the first time. We had isolation, PICC lines, IV antibiotics…so many new and frightening evidences of her illness.
We heard the ‘official’ word “Autism” with both relief and tears. Riley faced kindergarten and challenges within herself…and gave us more challenges than we were sure we could manage.
Brandon broke finger in the beginning of summer, his wrist at Halloween. He got straight A’s…and then became faced with a possible CF diagnosis for himself as well.
For the last two months of 2010 there was someone injured or sick at all times. There was no break, no respite. I, who by law as a mom am NEVER allowed to get sick, as I said above I’ve gotten sick 3 times in the past 2 months. Right now it’s so bad, I’ve been laid up since Saturday. I haven’t been able to talk for a week. It sucks big time.
My husband has been struggling against his depression with as much strength as he can muster. The end of the year between his birthday and the holidays are always soooo hard on him, and the added stress of constant illness…I fear he’s ready for a massive break.
I’m tired of crying – but then again, I still don’t think I’ve shed a tear.
I’m exhausted from the constant beat down. I’ve taken maybe 5 pictures in 2011 because I’ve been sick for all of it…and the picture above is one of them. I had to find the beauty somewhere…and I did in the gorgeous flowery pattern of frost on our truck’s windshield.
And I’ve found it in my Riley’s beautiful way of taking care of her sick Momma (which she has taken to calling me over Mommy). In Angel’s snuggling with her Daddy, sad because we can’t dare to let her snuggle with me.
Once I am better I can take the reins and find the silver lining again. I can free up my husband to release his restraints and rid himself of some of the burden’s beating against his fragile wall of strength. I can recover my house from the clutter of Christmas. I can make sure each of my children know I love them, and I’m not just the grumpy witch on the couch that semi-yells at them to be quiet w/ her non-existent voice (seriously, it’s SAD how I sound).
But right now…
I’m not there.
I only hope tonight is the night I am able to SLEEP. To get past the worst.
Because I don’t like being here.
I want to be there.
Where I had my sh*t together. I was “ready” to face whatever.
Right now I can’t even face myself. (seriously, be glad there’s no self-portrait here today. *shudders* It would give you nightmares)
by Sarah | Jan 2, 2011 | Photography, Weekly Winners
All taken w/ Canon Rebel XTi or my Droid.
All of my absolute favorite pictures from 2010. Luckily I only got really photo crazy in the past couple of months or this would be far more insanely long than it already is.
Lines to the Past
Rapid Wings
I See You
Whistful
Water Falls
One
Wishes of Love
Stairway to Heaven
Teamwork
>
Forgotten
Rolling
Pointe
Drops
Lines
Moon Flare
Reflections
Shrouded Beauty
Up a Tree
Perfect Sunrise
In Your Eye
Tricksy Treating
Taking Flight
Close
Green Dragon
The Eye Has It
True Love Heart
See more of my favorite photos over at my flickr account.
That’s all for this week. Head on over to Lotus‘ digs to see more!!
by Sarah | Dec 31, 2010 | All of Us, Community, Cystic Fibrosis, Hospital
In ll of my years online Archie has been frustrated. He wanted me to get “real” friends. People that I could see face to face, call on the phone (even though I have issues using the phone). That were flesh and blood before me, not who-knows-where across the internet.
Archie hates when I tell this, because he says he does know that the people are “real”…they just aren’t close physically. He knows how deep my friendship with Jess is, after all she’s the first one he called after my surgery, and on other occasions. He would just prefer that my ‘best’ friend live across the street (face it, wouldn’t we all like that).
ANYWAY. I’m getting off track on the point of this post. We were admitted, I tweeted about it and left it at that.
Within an hour, I had a message from the beautiful Emily. It said simply, “What do you need? Tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen.”
I have often talked about the Indianapolis Blogging Community and how wonderful it is. The parties in recent months have enhanced that fact.
But I had no idea what the sense of community in both the bloggers and in my own neighborhood would mean.
Casey came to the hospital loaded down with goodies that Emily had organized. A pillow pet was in there for Angel, as well as snacks from Casey & Emily, and Katy (her delectable goodies are pictured above) and Sarah and MrsBlonde.
So much that Archie and I just stared in awe & wonder at the gifts we’d been given. The support offered. Snacks, full meal dishes that only needed to be popped into the oven, among other things for which we’ll be eternally grateful.
To add to the amazing things these women pulled together for us, I came home to find our driveway cleared of snow thanks to neighbors, a small package in the mail from Michelle (another Indy Blogger), and neighbors that gathered mail and also put together small presents for our little one.
Archie and I have been so touched by the support and caring in our established (and newly established) communities, we are still moved to tears by it. I don’t think we could have made it through these past couple of weeks without these wonderful people that have touched our lives and our hearts.
IT had been many years since I have been established in such wonderful communities.
My heart is full with our blessings, even through the darkness that we’ve been moving through.
****
~Tomorrow comes the post about another lifesaver we had, rather by coincidence. It’s a post I’d been planning on writing with far more humor and tongue in cheek – but now it will be much more.
