by Sarah | Feb 10, 2011 | All About Me, Crap, Special Needs
Way back when this picture was taken I sure thought I was. (Picture credit goes to my mom who had the fancy camera way back then…in FILM *Gasp*)
Back, 11 years ago, when Brandon was only 2. When I only had the one. When my co-parent was my own parents. When the biggest problem I dealt with was chronic BM issues (yeah, he’ll kill me if he ever reads this). When he was cute and adorable and obedient and kind and polite.
When life was “easy”.
Now there are three.
There is school. Homework. Teachers. Doctors. Specialists. Special Medicines. Bills. Cleaning. THREE kids. Doctors. THREE kids. Quirks. Hospitals. Marriage. Home repairs. Car maintenance. Cleaning. THREE kids.
Oh, did I repeat myself once or twice? Yeah. I know.
I don’t want to use the term “bad mother”…because, you know…it’s such a debate trigger.
Sometimes, though. Sometimes I look at myself and I see that I’m not good at this.
I don’t have patience.
I don’t have answers.
I don’t do the things that you’re supposed to. I love to read to myself, but get bored reading to my kids (shameful, I know).
I don’t have patience.
I don’t check homework every day after school.
I always miss deadlines for snack week, permission slips, all those things.
I don’t have patience.
I don’t give my kids daily baths. Or every couple of days. (But in my defense, my baths were 1x/week)
I use the TV as a babysitter.
I’m online too much (I’m trying to do better…some days I do better than others).
I don’t have patience.
…..
Are we detecting a common theme?
Sometimes I wonder what part of my brain actually thought growing up that I would grow into this ‘perfect’ mom. I saw myself doing it all. Crafts, dinner, cleaning…the perfect little household.
My ‘perfect’ has redefined itself into something that feels far from perfect for me.
It’s a process.
I’m working on redefining myself as a mom.
To snap less. To breathe and have patience. To do more cleaning. More cooking. Making sure I’m more involved in what my kids are doing in school.
I want to feel like I’m good at being a mom. Like I DESERVE the title. EVERY day. Not just now & then.
by Sarah | Feb 9, 2011 | Crap, Random
I’d call this Wordless Wednesday, but I don’t participate and really…me? No words? IMPOSSIBLE.
Now, before I get down to it, I have two quick notes to make.
1) In case you missed it, I have a writing blog. While I don’t normally direct traffic there, I wrote a post the other day that is just made of smiles. I want everyone to read it. So go there now and read TOUGH LOVE.
2) A very dear, very very good friend of mine has opened a blog. She’s just finding her footing, so she needs some love. Please stop on by her blog and leave her a comment. She has the best blog name ever: USING MY OUTSIDE VOICE.
I was making dinner for the family. Trying to create a wonderful meal for us all to sit down and eat.
Out of nowhere I was attacked. Senseless violence. The bacon built up a well of grease and out of nowhere hurled it at my face.
BURNS.
Ouch.
BACON IS EVIL.
*~*~*
*I can firmly attest that my husband will not agree with my statement.
**I can admit that while it is EVIL…it still tastes darn good…I totally ate the carcass of the bastard after it attacked me.
***EVIL
by Sarah | Feb 4, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
I’ve been fighting the funk.
For a long time.
A really long time.
Today.
Today I’m feeling a crackle of fire.
The spark started a couple weeks ago.
I was setting a daily schedule (that went by the wayside during the storm – restarting on Monday). Despite my inherent hatred of mornings – I was getting used to the 6AM pattern. Waking up, making breakfast & lunch for Archie and Riley. Sending them both off, doing a little of my personal morning routine. Sending off Brandon to school. Finishing my morning and getting started on my day with Angel. Getting chores actually completed.
This week has been off due to the inches of ice (we estimate there is 3 inches on the top of our truck).
But today there is a definite flaring of the fire that’s been smoldering. This isn’t forced. This is real. I’ve been writing (a LOT), I got good news on my manuscript, I’m getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow, and I have a few other things to look forward to in the near future.
It feels good to be in a good place again.
I’m not out of the woods, but the sun is shining through the trees. That is definitely good.
****
P.S. I signed up for NaBloPoMo again in February. They have a theme “character”, but I probably won’t follow it too close. I am severely disappointed in the lack of posts (period, not to mention their quality) in December and January and wanted to challenge myself right back into the game. Wish me luck 😀
by Sarah | Feb 1, 2011 | All of Us, Crap
Peals of laughter echo through 1000 square feet.
Little feet pound across floors, shuddering through the house.
The sound of vehicles driving by is rare, but still happens.
Despite the sheet of ice covering our street.
Our trees.
Our yard.
We are safe. We have power (for now).
They say last night was not the worst. Tonight will be more.
Our trees have lost limbs.
Walking across our yard sounds like walking across a frozen lake.
It’s beautiful.
Dangerous.
I worry about my husband who went out in the ice to work because they wouldn’t close.
We will snuggle together against the cold. Hope that our power lines hold out.
We will make it through the silence.
I’d prefer the snow. Feet of snow is manageable.
Inches of ice is worrying.
I hope all in Indy stay safe. Warm. Keep their power.
Including us.
by Sarah | Jan 26, 2011 | All About Family, All About Marriage, Crap
(Clean) Laundry piling up.
School issues arising.
The husband in the depths of darkness (another post for another day).
And Angel running around w/ my bra on her head.
At least Riley has started eating again.
*Might or my not be typed by my nose as I was in a straight jacket on my way to the looney bin.
**Okay, not really. But could you blame me?
***I’m pretending I’m not insanely jealous of my friends heading to Blissdom
****Is it February yet?
by Sarah | Jan 19, 2011 | All About Me, Crap
“The best way to get over being sick is to act like you’re healthy. Take a shower. Get out of your PJ’s.”
It was a “magical” cure my Mom told me to take every time I was on the ‘verge’ of getting better from a cold or a flu.
It did help.
At one of the online hangouts I go to there’s a running joke. “Look Normal!” is the call. One person has a picture of a (normally) stunning actress faking a smile so comically it looks photoshopped into a Jim Carrey/The Mask-ish twist of her features (it isn’t, I’ve seen the scene the screen capture came from).
That…is what I feel like now. I’m crying out “Look normal!” I’m pushing myself into taking care of house and home, husband, kids. Getting into life-breathing activities like reading, writing, food.
But it’s a mask.
I don’t feel okay.
Archie has picked up on this…and in his current state of mind…he thinks it’s his fault or I’m mad at him. I’m not a shiny, happy person right now.
I don’t know how to get back to that.
In the past few months life has been hard, my sense of reality has been turned on its head…but we’re all here. We’re together, happy, nothing catastrophic is happening right this minute.
So I should be happy.
But I’m struggling to return to “normal.”
I went through a bout like this a couple of years ago. I tried getting some anti-depressants from the doctor.
Let’s just say the treatment was worse than the problem.
Out of the handful of antidepressants I’ve tried (for different reasons, over the course of many years)…I haven’t reacted well to any of them. From tremors to NOT sleeping (literally. I didn’t sleep for 1 whole week once – it wasn’t pretty)…drugs & I do not mix.
So, I’m afraid to try again. Terrified, actually. I didn’t like not sleeping, and I didn’t like the way my brain felt on them.
Plus.
I’ve seen depression.
I see it on an almost daily basis. I support it. I live with it. I’ve seen what it is like to NEED medications.
That isn’t me.
I’m just in a funk.
A lousy funk that I haven’t been able to fake my way out of.
Remember that good cry I said I’d never had?
I think I need it now.
Otherwise things might get ugly.
Way back when this picture was taken I sure thought I was. (Picture credit goes to my mom who had the fancy camera way back then…in FILM *Gasp*)
